Bikies Hysteria (Good News Week 20/4/09: What’s the Story?)

Bikies! They’re everywhere! It’s Al Qaeda on Harleys!

Osama’s disappointed that everyone’s focussed on bikie gangs these days. Before he pulls another September 11, he’s buying a Harley.

But all this demonisation ignores the fact that most bikies are perfectly lovely people. It’s only their leaders that we have to be shitscared of.

Four bikies, in full gear, even talked their way into the Prime Minister’s residence in Canberra. Because bikies are known for their seductive use of language. / Because a gang of bikies can offer some very persuasive arguments.

Four bikies got access to the Lodge as maintenance workers after offering up apparently legitimate documentation to police on duty, and the promise of a knuckle-dusting they wouldn’t forget.

Four bikies, in full gear, even talked their way into the Prime Minister’s residence in Canberra. But apparently that was just Mr Rudd looking for alternative ways to stimulate the economy.

They were just selling him a stimulus package. / selling him a large bag of powdered amphetamines, or as they call it, a “stimulus package”. / selling him a stimulants package. / selling him a package which was sure to stimulate…

It turns out two of the bikies let into the Lodge were full members of the Rebels motorbike gang. The trouble was, John and Janette just don’t LOOK like trouble.

Well the Lodge certainly did need some maintenance work – those Harleys left all sorts of stains on the carpet.

It still isn’t clear whether any maintenance was requested or carried out and no clear answers on what the four men were really up to in the Lodge. Probably just a bit of minor detailing on the architraves.

Bikies make excellent maintenance workers. You should see the job they can do rearranging your face.

Suspiciously, the Lodge may not have needed maintenance work at all. Though it sure did afterwards.

Rudd later got the bikies back to fix up everything they broke the first time.

It was worrying enough that the bikies got access to the Lodge, but what really annoyed Kevin is that they took the last of the Iced Vovos. / they wouldn’t let him ride on the Harleys. / wouldn’t dink him round to Swannie’s place.

Mr Rudd was just looking for some tips on how to boost the economy – apparently, there’s a lot of money to be made in drug-running and extortion!

Despite being dressed in full bikie gear, they still managed to carry out all the maintenance that was requested – none.

It turns out they were just big fans of Mr Rudd, and wanted his autograph.

It turns out they were just four kinky leathermen looking for a bit of Ruddy-lovin’.

A source for the Canberra bikie club the Rebels said that given his club members’ involvement in heavy unskilled labour – plumbing, stainless steel work, towing – it’s quite possible the bikies were on a legitimate job. Kevin probably just wanted his government car towed through his office. He’s the Prime Minister, he’s allowed to.

A source for the Canberra bikie club the Rebels said that given his club members’ involvement in heavy unskilled labour – plumbing, stainless steel work, towing – it’s quite possible the bikies were on a legitimate job. And it’s quite possible that the bags of white powder in their pockets were Wizz Fizz, too.

The major bikie gangs themselves are planning a new code, which will forbid violence. From now on, all disputes are to be settled by a game of tiddlywinks. / Kerplunk. / ludo. / Mortal Kombat.

The major bikie gangs themselves are planning a new code, which will forbid violence. It will also forbid beards, tattoos, and Harley Davidsons.

Military facilities have raised their security level over fears that bikies might steal weapons. We’re just lucky they’re not intending to use them for violence.

Military facilities have raised their security level over fears that bikies might steal weapons. Although surely the Comancheros would be perfect for fighting the Axis of Evil.

Security at military bases is now at level “safe base charlie”. Which, coincidentally, is the name of what the bikies are selling by the gram.

Military facilities have raised their security level over fears that bikies might steal weapons. Unfortunately, many bikies are in the army…

Military facilities have raised their security level over fears that bikies might steal weapons. Weapons should only be used in times of war, and apparently gang-war doesn’t count. / turf-war doesn’t count. / drug-wars don’t count. / gang-wars, turf-wars and drug-wars just don’t count.

Military facilities have raised their security level over fears that bikies might steal weapons. After all, the only people allowed to use them are people in uniform, fighting wars. Oh, and the uniform has to be khaki, not black and denim, and the war can’t be about turf or gang rivalry. Unless it’s the Axis of Evil. Um.

Apparently bikies have stolen several rocket launchers already. Now THAT’s going to be a drive-by! / Looks like the next gang shoot-out is going to look like the Gaza Strip!

The worst thing about modern-day bikies is that they never give you a dink to the milk bar.

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