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Spam destroys world (GNW 4/5/09: Strange But True)

It’s annoying, it’s unwanted, and new research says that internet spam is bad for the environment! Although surely not that much worse than every Twitter comment. / Facebook status update.

But seriously – is an unwanted “Pleasure Her All Night Long” really much worse than an unwanted “Fred is about to make a coffee”?

Apparently it’s not just the spam that’s bad for the environment. Nature just can’t handle that many giant erections. / that many lotto winners.

2.4 million homes could be powered by the energy expended on spam. And what’s more, they could be powered all night long to really satisfy her!

We could be powering over 2 million homes with all the energy that goes into spam mail. Wow – just think how much spam they could send!

Spam accounts for a ridiculously large carbon footprint! We need to launch some sort of environmental campaign – then we can blast it out to all the email addresses we can find!

So if I understand this correctly, the greenest way to power your home is to hook the mains up to your spam filter.

Of course there wouldn’t be nearly so much spam if people didn’t keep trying to flog us green products. / enviro-shit.

The transmission, processing and filtering of spam email each year uses enough energy to power 2.4 million homes. So there you go. Even more reason to roast spammers slowly on a spit while jabbing them in the eyes with knitting needles. / with extended penises.

Like we needed an excuse to string spammers up with wire and electrocute their genitals.

All this spam is taking up valuable energy that ought to be redirected in to electrocuting spammers!

The transmission, processing and filtering of spam email each year uses enough energy to power 2.4 million homes. But if we connected all those homes to the web, they could create enough spam to power 3 BILLION homes. And the energy crisis could be resolved!

Sure, it’s annoying to get all the unwanted spam – but you should check out the size of my penis! (It reaches THE MOON!)

So one day, when our children will look at us and ask why all the animals died, we’ll be able to say “penis enhancement”. / “so daddy could stay rock-hard for mummy.”

To save energy, spammers are now going to have to deliver all their spam in person.

Of course there are also secondary environmental effects of spam, like the population increase from all the Viagra and penile enhancements.

If only we could harness the power of people trashing their spam. Or, as it was known before computers, “masturbating”.

From now on, all spam will be powered by a new form of green power called “spamergy”. Just a funny word, really. “Spamergy”. Heh.

62 trillion spam emails are sent every day! So I guess I should stop complaining about the couple of dozen I get. / And it’s really slowing down my iPhone.

62 trillion spam emails are sent every day! And I get them ALL. / But why do I have to get them ALL???

Though it’s still more energy-efficient than delivering 62 trillion pamphlets a day.

Sure, it wastes a lot of energy, but at least now everyone’s got genuine Rolexes and enormous cocks.

I can’t believe spam is getting all this bad press. It’s such a versatile and convenient spiced luncheon meat!

Research shows that WEIGHT LOSS SOLUTION spam mail CHEAP AND AFFORDABLE VIAGRA takes as much SATISFY HER ALL NIGHT LONG energy as DOUBLE THE ENLARGEMENT 2.4 million YOU’RE A WINNER houses. But at least it doesn’t GENUINE ROLEX hinder our communication.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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