Tues, May 12
Tomorrow, of course, is the Budget! Apparently the world economy is stuck in a rut, and nothing will budget.
Tomorrow is also International Nurses Day! Sick! / That’s totally sick! / Sick mate!
Tomorrow is International Nurses Day, hope they enjoy a lovely day before doing double-time to cope with the influx of budget casualties. / swine flu casualties.
The Bureau of Statistics will release the latest housing finance figures. Apparently the figures are 4, 5, and 11.
The Bureau of Statistics will release the latest housing finance figures, if they can find any.
The N.A.B. will release the latest business confidence survey. This year, it’s being released as a postage stamp. / fridge magnet.
The N.A.B. will release the latest business confidence survey. It will be a very thin document, but extremely tall. (mime unfolding document and looking dowwnn.)
The N.A.B. will release the latest business confidence survey. It’s only got one question – “do you know if there’s any room on the star arks?”
Wed, May 13
Wednesday’s Federal Budget Breakfast in Canberra will be stale cornflakes and what’s left of the milk.
Wednesday’s Federal Budget Breakfast will consist of half a slice of toast and coffee – very black.
Wednesday’s Federal Budget Breakfast in Canberra will be held in the nearest BP. I hear they’ve got a trucker’s breakfast special!
Wayne Swan will talk up the Budget at the National Press Club, or at least the cardboard box that they’ve got in its place.
Wayne Swan will try to sell the Budget at the National Press Club on Wednesday, by giving all members of the press their own special stimulus package he refers to as “a bribe”.
Wayne Swan will talk up the Budget at the National Press Club on Wednesday – at the moment, perhaps the toughest job in the world.
Wayne Swan will talk up the Budget at the National Press Club on Wednesday. It’ll be like trying to polish a trough brimming with fresh elephant diarrhoea.
The 2009 Cannes Film Festival will be screening the world’s greatest movies about cans. Should be riveting. / There’s a great one starring Johnny Depp as a tin of Chicken and Corn Chowder.
The Cannes Film Festival will be huge this year when it turns out that most of Hollywood has already fled to the south of France.
Wednesday’s Aria Chart Awards will be available for download.
Wednesday’s Aria Chart Awards will be dominated by Andre Rieu and other albums appealing to grandmas who can’t download.
Wednesday’s Aria Chart Awards in Sydney will go to the Pie Graph.
The Brisbane Broncos rugby league team will hold their annual general meeting, or as they prefer to call it, “the wordy scrum”. / “the talky scrum”. / “management scrum”. / “the nancyboy fancy-pants waste of fucken time”.
Thurs, May 14
Thursday is Israel Independence Day, when Jews celebrate their independence, on this day in 2160.
Thursday sees Israel’s Independence Day – not as good as the American version, but these remakes never as good as the originals.
The Senate Select Committee on Climate Policy will release its report, and, true to its name, will be extremely careful about which evidence it has selected to examine. / will be very selective indeed.
The Senate Select Committee on Climate Policy will release its report, into the atmosphere, causing temperatures to raise another degree.
There’ll be a hearing into the gender pay gap in Canberra. It will be launched by Therese Rein…
And if anyone wants to go to Thursday’s Heart Foundation conference in Brisbane, aorta.
The Happiness & Its Causes conference will be held in Sydney. So at least that’ll help rule some out.
The “Happiness & Its Causes” conference in Sydney will be cancelled when everyone opts to go to the “How to Survive Depression” one instead.
The “Happiness & Its Causes” conference in Sydney will confirm that the global financial crisis is not one of them.
The “Happiness & Its Causes” conference in Sydney will turn out to be optimistically irrelevant in the current economic climate.
The “Happiness & Its Causes” conference will take place in Sydney – all the cocaine and blowjobs you could ask for!
It’ll be 25 years since the $1 coin was introduced. Back when the Queen’s head looked HOT!
Thursday will be 25 years since the $1 coin was introduced – and, to mark the occasion, every Australian will be left with one after the budget.
Thursday will be 25 years since the $1 coin was introduced. And, even though for much of that quarter of a century it’s been little more than an annoying piece of obsolete shrapnel weighing down your pocket, suddenly, 25 years later, it’s worth something again. Because it’s all we have.
Thursday will be 25 years since the $1 coin was introduced – and, one day, Timmy, if you work really hard, you may get to hold one.
Fri, May 15
Friday’s “Walk Safely To School Day” will come to a bad end when it coincides with “Kiddies Are Worth 200 Points” day.
Friday’s Walk Safely To School Day will be a huge success when paedophiles and abductors agree to take the day off out of respect.
Walk Safely To School Day unfortunately coincides with Cannibal Day, resulting in several fatalities, but a very tasty pie.
Sat, May 16
Western Australia will go to the polls on daylight saving. (zombie) JOIN US…. JOOOOOIN UUUUUUUSSSSS…
And the Asthma Foundation’s Bubble Ball on Saturday will be so much fun, everyone will collapse on the floor wheezing.
Sun, May 17
Schizophrenia Awareness Week starts on Sunday – or does it?
Next week is Schizophrenia Awareness Week – who says two heads are better than one?
And Sunday’s “National Rural Health conference” in Cairns will announce that rural health is baaaaaad.
Sunday’s Million Paws Walk won’t be so successful when the dogs are torn between the commands “walk” and “paws”.
