Bleak Budget (GNW 11/5/09: monologue)

Hooray – it’s Budget time! Just when we were getting used to the government throwing money at us, they’re going to try to claw it all back.

The government desperately needs to generate new sources of revenue. Pimping out Swannie just ain’t working.

At least there’s a positive side to living in a global recession – watching the politicians sweat.

We all expect tomorrow’s budget to be brutal, but I think Rudd’s “let em all starve” policy is maybe a bit too harsh.

But it’s not going to be all bad news – the government is also using tomorrow night to launch its new government-run chain of retirement homes, “Soylent Green”.

Swan says this is “the most challenging environment in living memory within which the federal budget is being framed”. See, that’s pollie-speak for “we’re totally screwed”. / “we’re broke, and you’re screwed.”

The govt. has been warning for weeks it’s going to be a brutal budget in terms of cost-cutting. In fact, it’s going to be so brutal, they’ll be doing the cost-cutting with an industrial-strength bone-saw. Mind the flying gristle!

For the first time in a decade, we’re facing a budget that will take significant things away. Although look around you – it’s not like there’s that much left to take. / we don’t really have all that much left for them to take!

For the first time in a decade, we’re facing a budget that will take significant things away. OK, just so long as you don’t take my new stimulus plasma! / Like our money, jobs, and sense of well-being.

“Bleak” is the current financial buzzword. Ah. So comforting. It’s got all the sharp stabby aspects of “beak”, all the moist paranoia of “leak”, and the vomitous regurgitaty feel of “bleaaaauuuuurggh”. PERFECT!

The Australian economy will shrink faster than the global average this year. By Christmas time, it’ll be smaller than little Timmy’s yuletide sock. / it will be able to fit on top of your Christmas twig.

Of course the Opposition is asking how the Government could have frittered away the years of boom surpluses. Though admittedly it’s mostly through matching the Coalition’s election tax cut promises.

The economic crisis means we’re facing years of deficits and hundreds of billions of dollars in debt. But gee, the footy sure looks good on my new plasma.

Massive budget deficits, hundreds of billions of dollars of debt… it’s almost enough to make one misty-eyed for Howard, Costello and the joy of creating unsustainable growth. / and the joy of rampant capitalism running amok without regard for consequences!

The government’s desperate for ideas for things to cut. Quick – another summit, pronto!

Rudd’s razor is sharp indeed. He promises the next summit will have room for no more than 800.

The government wants to deliver a third stimulus package. Anyone earning under 50 grand a year can have fifty cents to spend in whichever way they want!

Rudd and Swan work the economic crisis like they work in the bedroom. Just when you’re feeling good after they’ve tickled you with their stimulus packages, they roll you over and fuck you in the arse. / and ram it up your poopchute.

The crisis has even affected our PM. To survive, he’s actually having to eat his own earwax. (The other white meat.)

Luckily, though everyone keeps telling us how bleak things are and unemployment is zooming towards double digits, we still have enough to give each Federal MP an extra $90 per week electorate allowance, which they can choose to spend, or save, or roll around in. / or stimulate themselves with.

The single aged pension will be increased, as it was found to be insufficient to live on. Still, waiting until now managed to thin out some of the oldies, so there’s actually more money to spread around. Win win!

The single aged pension will be increased, as it was found to be insufficient to live on. Just ask the unemployed, if you can find one still able to speak.

The single aged pension will be increased, as it was found to be insufficient to live on. They’d love to increase the dole as well, but, well, there’s just so many more people claiming it these days.

Unfortunately for new mums, paid maternity leave is still off the agenda. We need that money to pay your parents’ pensions.

Unfortunately for new mums, paid maternity leave is still off the agenda. The last thing we can afford now is more mouths to feed.

Unfortunately for new mums, paid maternity leave is still off the agenda. But they’re thinking of lowering the legal working age to 18 months!

Unfortunately they haven’t decided to cut the super-expensive useless waste of time that’s the Internet filter.

There’ll be an across-the-board tax hike on alcohol, if only to keep Ruddy away from strip clubs.

There’ll be an across-the-board tax hike on alcohol. Because if there’s one thing they can rely on in this economic crisis, it’s people willing to pay ANYTHING to block out the pain.

The government will be targeting high-income earners. Unfair! Those corporate CEOs and hedge-fund managers have never needed cash more! / Oh great, where are the banks going to get money from now? / Come on Kevin – they’re going to find it hard enough as it is to pay the tax on their massive undeserved bonuses.

The government will be targeting high-income earners, despite the fact that they will get the bulk of the tax cuts. But I tell you what, Swan will be announcing them with his most serious, disapproving face.

The government suggests high-income earners will be targeted. Sure, they’ll be getting the big tax cuts, but there’ll be a steep increase in the levy on sporting superboxes. / steep rise in quail’s egg soufflé on a bed of caviar tax.

The government’s also thinking of slashing the first home-buyers’ grant. Because it’s the closest thing we have to a sub-prime crisis to blame. / Because let’s face it, people who couldn’t afford to buy their homes are the cause of this crisis, and they should be punished.

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