Economy in Terrorble Shape (GNW 11/5/09: monologue)

Federal Police Commissioner Mick Keelty has told a national security conference that the economic crisis might overtake terrorism as the main threat to Australia. The cops have particularly got their eye on a mysterious man by the name of Econo bank Laden… / They really want to get their hands on Osama That Money.

Federal Police Commissioner Mick Keelty has told a national security conference that the economic crisis might overtake terrorism as the main threat to Australia. Although the explosions will be a lot cheaper.

Federal Police Commissioner Mick Keelty has told a national security conference that the economic crisis might overtake terrorism as the main threat to Australia. Seeing as how the economic crisis is actually real and all. / is actually a genuine threat.

After all, terrorists may have destroyed the World Trade Centre, but this crisis has actually hit world trade!

Intelligence suggests we should brace ourselves for repeat of the infamous “Bali Withdrawals”. / “Bali Bonds”. / “Bali Brokerage”.

He’s right – imagine how bad the “Bali Bombings” would’ve been if they’d instead been the “Bali Stock Crashes”! / “Bali Profit Losses”! / “Bali Economic Downturns”!

Although terrorism can also be bad for the economy. The thousands of dead often ease up on their spending. / Dead people don’t shop.

The Global Financial Crisis is forcing everyone to cut costs. For the next September 11 al-Qaeda are planning to hijack paper planes.

The Global Financial Crisis is forcing everyone to cut costs. Al Qaida are now having to hijack trams. And it’s much harder to fly one of them into a building.

Because it’s tough to commit another September 11 when all the flights are cancelled. / when you can’t afford the plane tickets.

But of course it’s a bigger problem than terrorism. After all, al Qaida’s got plenty of money.

Yeah, people going on demonstrations and strikes is much more dangerous than people blowing themselves up. After all, a bomb just goes off once, but these strikes can go for days!

Protesting is much scarier than terrorism. There’s all that shouting, and marching, and sometimes even placards! Terrifying!

He’s right. I’d much rather be blown to pieces than have to listen to chants that rhyme with “hey hey ho ho”. They shit me to tears.

Since the financial crisis is a bigger problem than terrorism, perhaps we should get al Qaeda to run things. They seem to have been quite successful lately.

Of course terrorism’s been much less of a problem since we lost the war on terror.

The Federal Police are looking at focusing on community crime and dissent caused by the economic crisis rather than terrorism, as it’s much easier.

The Federal Police are focusing on crime caused by the economic crisis rather than fighting terrorism, as they’re much less likely to be blown up.

Police commissioner Mick Keelty told a national security conference that the police may have to prioritise demonstrations, strikes and riots over terrorism, as it gave them a better chance to crack some skulls.

Studies show an increased risk of demonstrations and riots. Because 10% of the population won’t have anything better to do.

Keelty says studies show an increased risk of strikes. Fortunately there ought to be plenty of scab labour about.

Keelty says studies show an increased risk of strikes. Which still seems safer to me than an increased risk of airstrikes. / As long as they’re not airstrikes…

Keelty says studies show an increased risk of strikes. If only terrorists tried to get their demands met by stopping work… / If only al Qaida tried to get their demands met by stopping work…

Kevin Rudd says that the government is already having a lot of success dealing with terrorists via cash handouts.

The Federal Police are looking at conducting coherence surveys to determine the “hot spots” for terrorism, crime and dissent in the community. Though for any spot hotter than boiling, it may be too late.

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