Al Qaida In The House (GNW 18/5/09: Strange But True)

Al Qaida is trying to appeal to Western youth with a rap song. It’s easy – just change “hoes” to “virgins”, “gat” to “rocket launcher”, and “bling” to “all-conquering nation of Islam”, and it pretty much writes itself.

(turntable) Jikki-jikki-jikki-jikki-jihad!

It’s da BOMB! (Although not in the sense of being good, more in the sense of being explosive material capable of causing immense damage.)

They also have their own special kind of breakdancing. It’s like krumping, but with more explosives.

Like many rap stars, the group is hoping to get Justin Timberlake in to lay down a few choruses. Not only will this give them a chance at crossover success, but it will also give them the chance to behead him. We all win!

Of course, to create a proper rap video they had to include some gyrating hoes – but they’re all wearing burkhas.

Until now, “hip-hop” was something jihadists only did to navigate their way through minefields. / was something jihadists only did after having one of their legs blown off in a minefield.

Not only does the video include some explosive rapping, but some explosive Iraqing too.

The video is said to be especially targeting young Somalis. Of course, there’s not so much “bling” in Somalia. But if they join al Qaida, there’s quite a lot of “bang”.

Al Qaida: putting the bang-bang in your bling-bling.

He raps over some wicked breaks, of the necks of the imperialist infidels.

The rapper, Abu Mansoor al-Amriki, known to al-Qaida as “The American”, is trying to recruit other westerners to the jihadist cause. Frankly he’s sick of hanging out with all these A-rabs.

That’s right kids! Join the jihadi cause in Somalia and you too could live in extreme poverty and release third-rate rap over the web.

The technique isn’t working that well. After all, you can rap just as well with American forces, and they have better drum machines. / production values.

Al-Amriki has produced the rap to recruit westerners, and so that he feels hard.

Osama’s just shaking his head. This is what happens when you recruit Americans. / He prefers power ballads.

Ha! This ploy might have worked against Dubya, but Obama can rap his arse off! / can flow like a mofo!

But do they really think they can outrap Obama? He’s like Chuck D, 2Pac and Vanilla Ice all rolled into one!

The US government has called for the rappers to cease, and to listen to what the President has to say. Or, as Barack succinctly put it: “STOP! Obamatime.”

Sure, they’ve got guns, bombs, and an army of thousands, but al Qaida has found the perfect way to get at the new US administration – a rap battle. Because once Obama shows he can’t freestyle, the world will be bin Laden’s! MOOHAHAHAHAHAA!

That’s Obama’s dirty little secret: he might rule the free world, but he can’t freeSTYLE.

And if the rap doesn’t work, Osama is going to challenge Obama to a breakdancing comp. BOOYAH!

Sure, fundamentalist Islamic terrorists might not be so great on the mike, but you should see them breakdance! / krump!

To further popularise themselves with urban youth, al Qaida’s also trading in their tanks for Hummers, swapping their beards for bling, and instead of getting 72 virgins, they get 72 big booty bitches.

Al Qaida’s leader has actually gone so far as to change his name to Osama Bling Laden. / Osama Dat Booty. / O 2tha Bizzl. / Osama “Puff” Laden. / Puff Laddy. / Notorious OBL. / O O Cool B. / Osama Dogg Doggy.

Of course, fundamentalist Islamic rap can’t mention sex, drugs, alcohol, women, swearing, or anything blasphemous. So that pretty much just leaves the grunting. / just leaves “Uh. Uh. Yeah. Uh. Uh. Word up.”

Hey, look how far rap has gotten black people in America.

Yeah! Who needs suicide bombers and rocket launchers when you’ve got the power of the beat, dawg?

He’s down with the Western imperialist dawgs.

To further popularise themselves with urban youth, al Qaida’s also trading in their rocket launchers for gats, swapping their beards for grills, and replacing their strict Islamic fundamentalism with superficial materialism! Lucky for them, they can still keep their repressive sexism and love of beards.

Well, if you’re going to be a public enemy, might as well try to be Chuck D.

Al Qaida were really just jealous that there was already a Public Enemy – and if ya can’t beat em…

al-Amriki refers to all roadside bombings as drive-bys.

Al-Qaida’s in da house! Or da cave, anyway.

To further impress urban youth, al Qaida are forming their own Pussycat Dolls. They’re called the “Pious-camel Dolls”.

To further impress urban youth, al Qaida are kidnapping the Pussycat Dolls, and beheading them. Woohoo!

I knew Somalia had pirates and terrorists, but no-one told me they had rappers! Invade!

So that’s what the Somali pirates are after – BLING!

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