Vomity car crash a top night out (GNW 18/5/09: Blow Up Your Pants)

A US expert on alcohol abuse says that alcohol can trick young drinkers into associating experiences like vomiting and car accidents with pleasure. But then pissed teens are ridiculously easy to fool. / Wow, pissed teenagers are even more gullible than I thought. / And very canny alcohol can even convince them to buy bridges that aren’t for sale.

The brains of pissed teenagers are mistakenly associating their alcohol-induced behaviours with pleasure. Apparently, a drunken head job in the back of your mum’s car is meant to feel like SIN. / is meant to feel BAD.

A US expert on alcohol abuse says that alcohol can trick young drinkers into associating experiences like vomiting and car accidents with pleasure. But tell me – what part of chucking your guts up in a twisted piece of burning steel isn’t pleasurable?

When you think about it, a slab of beer is pretty canny.

A US expert on alcohol abuse says that alcohol can trick young drinkers into associating experiences like vomiting and car accidents with pleasure. Of course, compared to a world filled with financial collapse, pirates, wars, and plagues of pig-disease, vomiting and car crashes ARE pleasurable.

Of course, compared to a world ruined with financial collapse, pirates, wars, and plagues of pig-disease, a vomity car crash is a good night out.

Things like vomiting and car crashes are being associated in the drunken brain with pleasure. No wonder I’m so aroused by chundering hit-and-runs. / Everyone loves a hit-and-spew. / Explaining the modern-day appeal of the spew-and-run.

Things like vomiting and car crashes are being associated in the drunken brain with pleasure. Which explains the popularity of young hoons playing chucken.

Teenagers are being “tricked” into thinking that vomiting and fighting are normal. Like the rest of Australia. / Oh …aren’t they?

Teenagers are being “tricked” into thinking that vomiting and fighting are normal. But of course, for drunken teenagers, they ARE.

Apparently the frontal lobes of adolescents who drink heavily actually shrink, causing them to listen to terrible music, dress like imbeciles, and do really stupid things to their hair.

The frontal lobes of adolescents who drink heavily actually shrink. Apparently that’s the area of the brain responsible for planning, inhibition, and normal looking hair. / and good taste in music.

Apparently the frontal lobes of young people who drink heavily actually shrink, which explains why adolescents have such tiny heads.

Phf. Frontal lobes. Who needs em.

But surely if drinking’s so bad, vomiting is a positive experience – getting rid of all that alcohol. And with a car crash you could get a full blood transfusion!

Of course car crashes are almost as fun as drinking, and a much quicker way to get legless.

Alcohol can trick young drinkers into associating experiences like vomiting and car accidents with pleasure. And as a bonus, makes the pleasurable experiences much more likely. / In fact most teens only spew and smash for the buzz.

Fortunately, vomiting and car accidents become such pleasurable experiences that by comparison, drinking loses its appeal.

The dopamine released by the alcohol creates a pleasurable feeling that can become associated with vomiting, car accidents, or worst of all, a roadside kebab. / a midnight hot-dog. / Maccas.

Yep, lying in traction with spinal fractures can be one of those buzzes you just can’t beat. / is hard to beat.

And if you reckon a car crash is fun, you ought to feel the rush of spinal fracture! / quadriplegia! / shattered bones! / a steering wheel through your lungs! / taking out a whole family!

Of course, it’s not the car crash itself that’s the real high – it’s all the morphine while you’re lying in traction.

The report also showed that, the younger the drinker, the more entrenched their drinking would be. After all, practice makes perfect… / After all, it takes a long time to perfect the art. / Just like any other skill – gotta start ‘em young!

The report also showed that, the younger the drinker, the more entrenched their drinking would later be. And if you’re breathing at birth, sorry to say, but you’re going to be a breather for life.

Drinking makes you feel good? Preposterous! Next they’ll be telling us drugs get you high!

Teenagers are normalising behaviours like vomiting and fighting. But you should see the amazing vomit-fights they have!

Drinking is normalising behaviours like vomiting and fighting. And, even worse, drinking is normalising drinking.

Fortunately for underage drinkers, when they can’t get hold of any alcohol, at least they can have a top night out sticking their fingers down their throats. / sticking their fingers down their throats and writing off their car. / shattering several ribs.

Teenagers are normalising behaviours like vomiting and fighting. Which is totally inappropriate in a job interview. / Which drastically lower your chances of getting the job.

Teenagers are normalising behaviours like vomiting and fighting. Which has really helped popularise chuck-boxing.

A Monash University study has found that adolescents believed that health warnings against more than two drinks per day didn’t apply to them. They already know they shouldn’t be drinking at all.

“What’s that beer? You want me to spew and smash my car again? OK, beer, you know best!”

Similarly, smoking dope tricks you into thinking it’s pleasurable to sit on the couch and talk shit. / fill yourself to the eyebrows with old doughnuts. / tricks you into gorging yourself stupid on whatever out-of-date shit they’ve got at the nearest 7-11.

And hallucinogenic drugs can trick you into befriending the pink lizards. / into believing in God.

Ah, gone are the days of a quick game of whist or a dance down the discotheque – these days it’s all hoiking and head-ons.

These days when a teenager says “I really need to crash”, they’re not talking about sleeping. / having a quick lie-down…

Naughty alcohol! You’re grounded!

Ronald Reagan’s decision to raise America’s drinking age to 21 had reduced the number of alcohol-related fatalities. Except just across the borders, where it’s an absolute bloodbath.

The biggest deterrent for under-age drinking is parental influence. Particularly parents under-the-influence. / Once you’ve seen Mum on a bender, you don’t want to go there. / Once you’ve seen Mum blowing chunks in the backyard, you just don’t want to go there. / Once you’ve seen your folks going for it on the kitchen table, you just don’t want to go there.

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