And the big news? (GNW 18/5/09: monologue)

Australians are getting fatter, drunker, and unhealthier. Still, like my mum always said, it’s what’s inside that counts.

If this continues, Australians will be dying off younger and younger. Which not only helps with the “aging population” problem, but also the OVERpopulation problem.

Australians are getting fatter, drunker, and unhealthier. Well, that’s what happens when you give Australians big wads of cash and take away their jobs.

Australians are getting fatter and drunker. Could be worse – we could be starving and sober!

Yet we think we’re healthy! We think we’re all Paul Hogan, but we’re really Big Kev. And he’s DEAD.

We think we’re a nation of bronzed life-savers, when we’re really the beached whales.

But like the old saying goes, you’re only as healthy as you feel. And the Australian Bureau of Statistics want you to feel like SHIT.

The thing is, we’re not the healthy country or the dietarily-appropriate country – we’re the LUCKY country. We’ll be right…

Less than half of all adults eat a healthy amount of fruit and vegetables. But we’re in a record drought – we can’t GROW enough fruit and vegetables.

We’re just not eating enough fruit. We reckon she’ll be apples, but it’s all going to go pear-shaped.

Australians: increasingly unhealthy and in denial about it! Oi Oi Oi!

Apparently, Australians are in denial about their increasing unhealthiness. I think that’s bullshit! / But I don’t think that’s true. / I deny it.

Aussies are in denial about the extent of their health issues. Who needs to eat well when you can just go to the beach and bronze yourself to a cancerous crisp!

62% of Australians are overweight. That’s right, I’m talking about YOU, fatty boombah! Yeah, you, with the semi-trailer-sized arse – desperately trying to change the channel with your pudgy swollen fingers before your deep-fried heart belches half a donut and bursts your cholesterol-fuelled arteries! Nah, just kidding, I love all you corpulent porkers!

68% of men and 55% of women are overweight or obese. Looks like Jenny Craig has a rapidly growing market.

68% of men and 55% of women are overweight or obese. When Aussies get it on, it’s like someone slapping walruses together. / slapping dinghies together.

Australian obesity rates are growing as fast as Australians. / as our waistlines.

11% of Australians suffer mental or behavioural problems. At high risk are people who look and feel healthy until the Bureau of Statistics keeps telling them they’re overweight.

11% of Australians suffer mental problems. We’re not only fat, sick, and drunk, we’re crazy too!

No wonder there’s been such a panic about swine flu. We’re all porkers!

They not only think they’re in good shape, they actually think “love handles” is a compliment.

Of course it’s all a question of how you define “overweight”. And they’ve been employing some mighty thin people at the Anorexic Bureau of Statistics.

52% of Australians have poor eyesight. Which explains the popularity of television. “Oh look – bright colours! Flashing lights! It’s so pretty!”

52% of Australians have poor eyesight. It’s a good thing I’m here to read the newspapers for you.

***

More than 150 people a day are dobbing in their neighbours, colleagues & mates to the Tax Office. Of course, most of that 150 are people from the Tax Office.

More than 150 people a day are dobbing in their neighbours, colleagues & mates to the Tax Office. And with mates like those, who needs tax inspectors?

Over 55,000 tip-offs about tax evasion were made in the past financial year netting the A.T.O. more than $100 million. If only the rest of us started backstabbing a few dodgy friends we could get the budget back into surplus!

Over 55,000 tip-offs about tax evasion were made in the past financial year. That means there are 55,000 people out there who are bloody UNAUSTRALIAN.

The mass backstabbing has netted the A.T.O. more than $100 million. Bad for mateship and the Australian way of life, but quite good for the economy.

The A.T.O. has reaped about $100 million from 55,000 tax evasion tip-offs. Which just goes to show how bad they are at catching tax evaders themselves.

According to one senior accountant, the vast number of people evading tax is not the only concern. Adrian Raftery said, “When your mates are starting to dob you in to the taxman, then you know we’re losing part of our Aussie culture.” At least we think that’s what he said, over the sound of the shredder.

So all the others may greedily destroying our society, but at least they’ve got mates they can trust.

Even our top accountants are saying it’s unAustralian to dob in your mates to the taxman. Then again, I would’ve thought grabbing someones paypacket and ripping half of it out to give to the Government isn’t that dinki di either. / and using it to pay for a war against Iraqi civilians isn’t that dinki di either.

Yeah, the Aussie culture – we come from convicts you know! If we’re not breaking the law we don’t know we’re alive!

Come on dibber-dobbers, don’t spoil our good Aussie fun! Weasling a couple of thou out of the tax office is the closest most of us come to living up to our ancestors’ ideals of stealing a loaf of bread to feed their family. / the closest most of us come to a good jumbuck rustling.

Of course tax evasion will be on the wane now that so many of us are unemployed. Thank goodness we have our tax evaded savings as a nest egg.

***

In Canberra, public servants have been ordered to stop putting nuts & jelly beans near the Prime Minister during cabinet meetings. They’re now kept out back with the red meat.

In Canberra, public servants have been ordered to stop putting nuts & jelly beans near the Prime Minister during cabinet meetings. Looks like the independents will have to sit up the back. / He just hates sitting near those independents. / Although, that’s not a very flattering name for the independents.

In the past, Rudd was often photographed with a bowl of each in front of him, but he’s now let it be known that he’s off the high-fat, high-sugar treats. Now, the only Vovos that he eats are ice-free.

In the past, Rudd was often photographed with a bowl of each in front of him, but he’s now let it be known that he’s off the high-fat, high-sugar treats. He’s munchin’ on jerky. / From now on, he’s strictly chewin baccy. (chew hawk spit)

In the past, Rudd was often photographed with a bowl of each in front of him, but he’s now let it be known that he’s off the high-fat, high-sugar treats. They just raise his temper about other dietary peculiarities.

The jelly beans & nuts are still available for other members of the Cabinet. In fact some of the nuts ARE members of the Cabinet.

The nuts & jelly beans are still available for other members of the Cabinet. He wants them to bloat up like defenceless blimps. / He’s hoping to give them all heart attacks – and then he will RULE UNQUESTIONED! MOOOOAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!

Kev is also believed to have told one takeaway shop that he doesn’t like eating lamb because it’s “too fatty”. It’ might be true, but then again, most people don’t go to the local takeaway shop for a health bar. / for bean curd. / for a handful of alfalfa.

Kev is also believed to have told one takeaway shop that he doesn’t like eating lamb because it’s “too fatty”. He prefers the waxy taste of inner-ear.

When he was elected, Rudd promised we could all have an iced vovo – and now look where he’s at! You’ve changed, Kevin, you’ve changed.

I thought we were electing a strip-club-attending, iced-vovo-eating economic conservative. But look who Kev’s turned out to be – a prudish socialist fad dieter!

If our Kev cuts anything else out of his diet, he’ll just be down to the earwax.

***

According to a survey by the Daily Telegraph, 47% of women & 44% of men have had a drunken sexual encounter they later regretted. Though only one said that it took place at Scores nightclub.

According to a survey by the Daily Telegraph, 47% of women & 44% of men have had a drunken sexual encounter they later regretted. Sex can really put a dampener on an alcoholic rampage.

According to a survey by the Daily Telegraph, 47% of women & 44% of men have had a drunken sexual encounter they later regretted. And they were just the ones who remembered! / A number of others have regretted sexual encounters where they weren’t drunk enough.

According to a survey by the Daily Telegraph, 47% of women & 44% of men have had a drunken sexual encounter they later regretted. Mmm. That extra 3% was all girl-on-girl action.

1 in 4 people admitted to having sent a naughty text message they later regretted. And, just to prove times really have changed, none of them were to Warnie.

1 in 4 people admitted to having sent a naughty text message they later regretted. Probably a good thing it was just text. / they didn’t include a video.

1 in 4 people admitted to having sent a naughty text message they later regretted. Usually when they didn’t get a naughty one back. / And the rest regretted not sending enough naughty text messages.

SMS technology has led us to write naughty messages we later regret. Though it’s probably still better than the old trick of faxing your genitals.

A third of the 2000 surveyed admitted to cheating on their partner. But it’s not that bad, chances are their partner was cheating too.

A third of the 2000 surveyed admitted to cheating on their partner. Another third changed the topic, while the remaining third insisted it wasn’t what we thought it was, and to just let them explain.

When it comes to how often a couple should have sex, a quarter think 3 times a week is ideal. No wonder the other three quarters spend so much time wanking. / watching porn.

When it comes to how often a couple should have sex, a quarter think 3 times a week is ideal. The other three quarters didn’t answer, and just kept masturbating.

When it comes to how often a couple should have sex, a quarter think 3 times a week is ideal. 3 times! Added up, that’s nearly a minute! / But that’s nearly a minute a week!

36% of men said they’d like to have more sex, compared to 29% of women. Not that those statistics bother rugby players. / the Broncos.

But the most common regrets were not having slept with Kylie or Hugh.

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