Swine flu parties (GNW 25/5/09: Strange But True)

American mothers are considering holding swine flu parties to infect their children with a mild strain of the virus before a more virulent strain emerges. Their kids are keen – after all, the parties last for weeks!

American mothers are considering holding swine flu parties to infect their children with a mild strain of the virus before a more virulent strain emerges. The kids literally party til they drop.

Flu specialist Dr Anne Moscona had been called by a woman’s magazine about holding swine flu parties. She described the idea as “totally nuts”, although in fact it’s more like pork scratchings.

Swine flu parties: the most fun you can have while being infected with a deadly virus!

Party games include Virulent Chairs, Pass the Infection and Clear Away the Corpses.

Games include “What’s the symptom, Mr Wolf”, “Pin The Facemask On The Patsy” and “Cough on the Parcel”. / “Infect the Parcel”. / “Pin the Blame on the Pig”, and “Pass the Virus”.

Every child gets to take home a slice of viral cake. / cake iced with smallpox. / cake, with smallpox icing! / cake covered with hundreds and thousands and pustules.

The parties have delicious food like pig jelly and hairy-bread.

Every child gets to take home a bag of mixed ailments. / a body bag of lollies!

The parties are BYO – swine only. / BYO beer and swine.

To further the likelihood of catching the swine-flu, some of these parties even use a dead pig as a pinata!

Though if you want to get a decent protective dose, best choose a party host who’s near death.

U.S. flu experts have strongly advised against holding swine flu parties. Pah. Well, there go my plans for the weekend.

Although swine-flu parties might actually be okay, officials warn that the same does not go for swine-rooting parties.

However, pig-swapping parties are still perfectly okay.

Some parents believe catching diseases is safer and more effective than using vaccines. All that controlled medical testing and proven effectiveness really gets in the way. / Plus you get all the benefits of the painful symptoms! / Plus you get to torture your children with the symptoms!

Flu specialist Dr Moscona said that she was shocked people were really planning to innoculate themselves the natural way. She insists that they at least wear lab coats and hold clipboards.

Flu specialist Dr Moscona said that she was disappointed people were really planning to innoculate themselves without doctors – she’d been looking forward to making a shitload of money.

She calls it “vigilante vaccination” and says people are “taking immunity into their own hands”. In fact, she would be a lot happier if people just had their natural powers of immunity ripped out and replaced with a big pile of pills.

Sure, it’s more natural and cheaper, but there’s no money to be made by big pharmaceutical companies! It’s just not right.

She’s shocked. It’s almost as bad as eating healthily and exercising! (shudder)

She says that anyone who is planning on dealing with swine flu in a natural way is sick. And to cure their sickness, she’s offering a huge pile of synthetic over-priced artificially-coloured insufficiently-tested miracle pills!

Flu specialist Dr Moscona said that she was shocked people were really planning to innoculate themselves without doctors or injections. She’d always thought she was important.

Dr Moscona said that she was shocked people were really planning to have swine-flu parties. “We were going to make millions from selling drugs and vaccinations!” she said. “These people make me sick.”

Chickenpox parties are particularly popular. Although now that so much of the population is immunised, it’s damn hard to find chickenpox to catch.

Chickenpox parties are particularly popular. Although clearly if there’s that much chickenpox around, the immunisation just isn’t working.

Also there hasn’t been a single case of someone at these chickenpox parties catching the mind-control nanobots.

Though they’re not as fun as leprosy parties – they’re the only ones where pinning the tail on the donkey is so realistic.

While other parents are just injecting their kids with AIDS. You know, to be on the safe side.

Many vaccines are created from dead versions of the virus, and some parents feel they’d rather risk dead versions of their children.

Many vaccines are created from dead versions of the virus, and some parents feel that’s just morbid.

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