Formal Lust (GNW 25/5/09: What’s the Story?)

A 17-year-old at an Ohio Christian school faces suspension for going to his girlfriend’s formal. In fact it wasn’t going to the formal so much as the fact that he had a girlfriend.

A 17-year-old at an Ohio Christian school faces suspension for going to his girlfriend’s formal. And fair enough – you know what high school formals are like! All that standing around awkwardly at opposite ends of the hall, staring at your feet and fiddling with your collar is SATAN’S WORK!

He was suspended because he was in danger of doing “lustful” things, like holding hands, dancing or experiencing some form of pleasure.

The school forbids dancing, rock music and hand-holding, but Tyler Frost says despite that he’s going to cut loose – footloose.

Madness. What kind of 17 year old boy would even DREAM of doing lustful things?

But the school doesn’t realise – he’s 17! He’s doing lustful things every chance he can get! / He’s even doing lustful things while he’s asleep!

Of course, suspending him isn’t going to help. School’s the only thing preventing him doing lustful things ALL THE TIME.

His school thought going to his girlfriend’s formal might tempt him to do “ungodly things”. Of course, God wanted Adam to root someone made of his own ribs, so maybe God’s not the expert on normal sexual behaviour.

The boy’s school bans dancing, rock music and hand holding.
Lucky they didn’t ban quickies behind the shelter shed, or he’d be in big trouble.

He swears he didn’t do anything ungodly with her. After all, the whole time, she was moaning “Oh God, Oh God”.

The boy’s school bans dancing and rock music. After all, they also ban hand holding, so playing songs like “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” would be the equivalent of hardcore porn.

The boy says that, if they were serious, they wouldn’t ban dancing, rock music and holding hands, they’d ban rooting.

He claims they were actually just studying, trying to re-enact biblical passages for homework. He was playing Moses, and her thighs were playing the Red Sea.

Of course prior to attending the prom, he hadn’t danced or held hands with his girlfriend. They went straight to fellatio. / cunnilingus. / the dirty sanchez.

Of course prior to attending the prom, he hadn’t danced or held hands with his girlfriend. But they had had a lovely time just standing six metres apart looking at each other.

The school has an anti-rock music policy, but it’s not the rock music that’s the trouble – it’s the slowdancing! YOU’RE DANCING CHEEK TO CHEEK WITH SATAN! / “Lady In Red”? RED LIKE THE FIRES OF HELL!!!!!

The furore made Frost even more determined to attend the prom, especially since he felt it made him One Degree of Kevin Bacon.

Frost’s grandmother, who teaches at his school, was praying for him to skip the prom. Though that’s probably badgering the wrong guy.

Frost’s school principal says that he should be aspiring to become more like Christ, who never once went to the Findlay High prom.

Frost’s school principal says that he should be aspiring to become more like Christ, who expelled any disciple who danced.

The school principal says that the kid should be aspiring to become more like Christ. Instead of going to formals, he should be being whipped by Romans. / being banged up on a cross.

After all, did you see any dancing at the Last Supper?

Of course Jesus did serve wine at the Last Supper. So he can go to the prom, but only as service staff.

With all this hoohah over the formal, he’s just glad he didn’t tell the school about the anal gangbang.

It makes sense. Unless all good Christians stay chaste and sober, how are they going to have another virgin birth?

“Thou shalt not disco.” It’s one of the commandments. Pretty sure.

But did Christ really preach against rock music? After all, music in Jesus’ time was mostly played on rocks.

Christ was totally anti-rock. Although, that was because it blocked the way out of his tomb.

Christ was totally anti-rock. He’s much more of a free-jazz kinda cat.

The school has a strict anti-rock music policy, although it’s unclear where they stand on breakbeat, dubstep and death metal.

If he drinks alcohol he’ll be expelled, as most likely will the contents of his stomach.

The school’s thinking about expelling him. Because, really, nothing sets a kid on the straight and narrow like being kicked out of school.

Tyler’s family has said they’ll sue the school if he’s suspended. And if that fails, they’ll sue themselves for sending him there.

If he attends the prom, he’ll be forbidden from attending his own graduation. Which would be a shame, as it’s bound to be a strictly policed, sober frownfest. / as he was really looking forward to formally giving the school the flick.

The Principal says that if Frost attends the prom, he’ll be exposed to women dressed in the modern fashion, and he knows if HE saw that, he’d be uncontrollably wanking like a baboon.

The Principal says that if Frost attends the prom, he’ll be exposed to 17-year old girls dressed in low-cut dresses, with pert youthful bosoms, firm ripe buttocks, and tight unplundered – ooh, I think I’ve just been ungodly in my trousers.

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