Cincinnati Superheroes (GNW 25/5/09: monologue)

The streets of Cincinnati are being patrolled by an Allegiance of Heroes, costumed vigilantes who carry handcuffs, pepper spray and tasers. Since they don’t actually have any superpowers.

The streets of Cincinnati are being patrolled by an Allegiance of Heroes, costumed vigilantes who carry handcuffs, pepper spray and tasers. Unlike the supervillains, who carry flick-knives, AKs, and don’t mind breaking the law.

Unfortunately, real life supervillains aren’t as scared of capes and wrestling masks as they once were.

Of course, you can only properly rid the streets of crime when your mum’s remembered to wash your cape.

After all, nothing’s more embarrassing than trying to fight crime dressed as a civilian.

It’s the laughable dressups that really put fear into the criminal mind.

Unfortunately, many of their arch-nemeses actually have genuine superpowers, like being able to stay awake for days at a time, not needing any food, and being crunked to the eyeballs on crack. / ice. / amphetamines.

Unfortunately, they are little match for Ice-Addict, Meth-Man, and Crack-Gangsta.

They don’t actually have any superpowers. They’re more like standardheroes.

Of course, the superheroes do have weaknesses – like being easy to stab. / like being easy to beat the shit out of. / like not having any superpowers.

They’re the perfect people to deal with real-life costumed supervillains – or as we know them, the Bandidos. (And it’s a win for society, no matter which side triumphs!)

But they don’t just look stupid – they’re also ineffective!

This, of course, is the problem with modern police uniforms – no cape. / you know criminals would just give themselves up if the cops were wearing capes and wrestling masks.

The Allegiance all wear black hoods, which is perfect for thwarting crime, hanging people, or robbing banks.

The Allegiance’s leader, Shadow Hare, did dislocate his shoulder when trying to save a woman who was being attacked. If only he had shoulder-relocating powers!

He did dislocate his shoulder when trying to save a woman who was being attacked. Yeah, they never put that in the comics do they? They conveniently airbrushed out the times Batman sprained his ankle, Spiderman hit his thumb with a hammer and Aquaman got his nuts caught in his zip.

The Allegiance is lead by a hero called Shadow Hare. Because there’s nothing that strikes fear into the criminal mind more than the shadows of bunnies. / than poorly-lit rabbits.

He calls himself Shadow Hare, because whenever he meets a real criminal he hides in the shadows like a scared bunny.

He calls himself Shadow Hare, though I prefer the name Bully Magnet.

And I bet being beaten up by a bully feels better in costume.

You’d better not mess with Shadow Hare. His mum will come after you.

Shadow Hare, Shadow Hare,
Looks a twat but doesn’t care,
If you’re bold, he’s bolder
Dislocates, his shoulder
Look out! There limps Shadow Hare.

This guy would never have gotten media coverage if it wasn’t for his mild-mannered journalist alter-ego.

Just like Shadow Hare, there are real-life superheroes in every city in the world that sells comic books.

Citizen’s arrests are legal in Cincinnati, so Shadow Hare can take down criminals. Though when he takes in his first criminal, he runs a real risk of having his secret identity exposed.

Shadow Hare’s also hooked up with Aclyptico in Pennsylvania, Wall Creeper in Colorado and Master Legend in Florida. Though because none of them can actually fly they have to use the Internet.

He’s met other crime fighters from around the world through The World Superhero Registry, which is just like the Hall of Justice except that it’s a badly designed website full of losers.

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