Good Next Week (GNW 1/6/09: closing)

Tuesday, June 02
Tomorrow is Italy’s National Day! It’s being held in Rome, so is extremely easy to get to – just follow any road…

Tomorrow Italy’s “National Day” will be celebrated, like it is every year, by everyone putting on a blue singlet and stubbies, eating some vegemite on toast, and dropping that silly accent for 24 hours.

This week brings national days for Italy and Sweden. Celebrate both with a stirring rendition of “Mama mia”.

Wednesday, June 03
On Wednesday, Melbourne will host a rugby league match between N.S.W. and Qld. Oh yeah, the Victorians will flock to that. / Because if there’s three things Melburnians are interested in, it’s New South Wales, Queensland and rugby league.

N.S.W. and Queensland will face off in Game 1 of the Rugby League State of Origin. Though to a rugby player, “state of origin” can mean a gang-bang.

Brisbane hosts the Australian Water Summit. You might have noticed all the water visiting town recently.

The Australian Water Summit in Brisbane will conclude that some bits haven’t got enough, and some bits have got too much.

The Australian Water Summit in Brisbane will conclude that water’s okay, but they prefer beer.

The Australian Water Summit will be a disaster when all the water runs down into the valley.

Brisbane will host the Australian Water Summit, although, being the summit, all the water will just flow downhill. It’s called SCIENCE. / gravity.

Brisbane hosts the Australian Water Summit, and decides it’d be better to have an Australian Water Dam. / it’d be better to have less summits and more water.

Brisbane hosts the Australian Water Summit. Though any water wanting to get in at the last moment, please note it has been oversubscribed. / all the dams are full.

The finalists for the Prime Minister’s “Environmentalist Of The Year” will be announced. I’m expecting BHP, Rio Tinto and Gunns. / I bet it’s Peter Garrett again.

The finalists for the Prime Minister’s “Environmentalist Of The Year” will be announced. Who will win out of Kevin, Swannie, and Garrett? Ooh the excitement!

The finalists for the Prime Minister’s “Environmentalist Of The Year” will be announced on Wednesday. Rudd’s hoping if he nominates every environmentalist in the country, they might shut up about his crappy carbon reduction scheme.

The finalists for the Prime Minister’s “Environmentalist Of The Year” will be announced as every householder who’s taken up green power, for their efforts to ease the pressure on polluting businesses.

The Bureau of Statistics will release the national account figures. It’s their time to shine! / It’s their favourite time of year! / Gotta do something with ‘em, I suppose.

The release of the national account figures will show a big increase in hand-wringing, furrowed brows and very serious tones of voice.

On Wednesday Newcastle will be hit by Pink’s “Funhouse”. As well as her other parts. / Of course, the rest of her will be there as well. / As well as her funbags.

Pink will bring her Funhouse tour to Newcastle. Though “funhouse” is really just a euphemism for her pink.

Pink’s “Funhouse” tour will hit Newcastle. I didn’t know she was touring with The Stooges.

Thursday, June 04
20th anniversary of Tiananmen Square massacre – tanks for the memories! / it’s an excellent opportunity to give tanks.

Thursday sees the 20th anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre. The Chinese Government will celebrate by running over a single pinata with a tank.

Thursday is the 20th anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre. To commemorate, please bake a single cupcake, place it alone on the table for all to see, then quickly take it away and, behind closed doors, slowly torture it to death.

Angelina Jolie will turn 34. She’s asked to be given some more of those lovely little gollywogs she loves so much. / cute little gollywogs she’s collecting.

On Thursday, the Bureau of Statistics will release the international trade figures. So long as our import spending has plunged more than other countries’, we should be looking good!

“Terminator: Salvation” will be released, telling the story of the robots who saved their careers by becoming Californian Governors.

On Thursday, yet another Terminator film will be released. You know, I’m starting to take the side of the robots here. HUMANS MUST BE STOPPED!

“Terminator: Salvation” will be released, ironically meaning that the series has not been terminated, and that there is no salvation after all.

On Thursday the list of the 100 richest celebrities will be announced – and, in this economic climate, will be decided by tossing a coin.

The announcement of the 100 richest celebrities list will sadly only make them richer.

An exhibition called “Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination” will open in Melbourne. Not only will it showcase exactly how lightsabers could never actually work, the Millenium Falcon could never really take off, and R2D2 was really a midget in a suit, but it will also reveal exactly how many people it took to work Sir Alec Guinness.

In Melbourne, an exhibition called “Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination” will open. Though they’re still working out which one lightsabers are.

Friday, June 05
Friday’s World Environment Day is expected to be hot and smelly. / cancelled due to smog. / cancelled due to lack of actual environment.

Friday’s World Environment Day will go badly when everyone realises the environment doesn’t actually give a shit.

On Friday, Denmark’s National Day will be enjoyed so much, no one will have any memory of it at all.

Friday’s 2009 Adelaide Cabaret Festival will prove once and for all that bogans can wear top hats too.

Friday’s 2009 Adelaide Cabaret Festival will be one top hat away from being an ordinary bogan stripshow.

Friday is the opening of the 2009 Adelaide Cabaret Festival, which will be celebrated with some fine Barossa Cabaret Sauvignon.

On Friday, the Tasmanian awards for environmental excellence will be announced – sponsored by Gunns! / – and the winner will be Gunns! Oh, not of any awards, just in practice.

Melbourne’s Good Food & Wine Show should suffice if you’re looking for an adequate time.

The Good Food & Wine Show in Melbourne will go so well, they’ll decide to eat it all year round!

The Good Food & Wine Show in Melbourne will be absolutely tolerable!

The Good Food & Wine Show in Melbourne will be… good. But not THAT good.

Saturday, June 06
Celebrations for Sweden National Day can be celebrated by following a few simple diagrams with the use of an Allen key.

Saturday’s Hair Expo Australia will have a lot of trouble with scalpers… / will unfortunately have a lot of their tickets sold by scalpers. / will be so expensive that many punters will refuse toupee.

It’s a complete sell-out for Saturday’s Hair Expo, though tickets are being scalped, if you’re willing toupee such hair-raising prices. / hair-riffic prices. Some fol-k’ll. (follicle.)

Saturday’s Hair Expo in Sydney is bound to be dread-ful…

On Saturday, Beer Week will be launched in Fremantle, before they decide “stuff it”, and rename it Beer Year.

Saturday is the start of Western Australian Beer Week, and the week after is “Sorry Boss, I’ve Come Down With A Nasty Flu” Week.

Sunday, June 07
Sunday’s Australian Dance Awards are a bit redundant aren’t they? So You Think You Can Dance has spoken, just accept it.

Sunday is the Tony Awards – I can’t wait! Will the big winner be Tony Bennett, Tony Danza or Tony Blair? / Toni Pearen? / Toni Collette?

Monday, June 08
Monday’s Queen’s Birthday public holiday is the perfect day for the Perth Royal Beer Show. It’s the one day of the year when Lizzie lets her hair down and chugs a slab.

Monday is the Perth Royal Beer Show; bet you’ve never seen the Queen so pissed.

Next Monday, it’ll be 60 years since George Orwell’s “1984” was published. And if you haven’t read it yet, don’t bother – ignorance is strength.

And the International Animated Film Festival will be held in Annecy, France – your one-stop-shop for cryptic claymation that says (high-pitched nonsense noises) “bidlddldlidlidlledlidleldlidlel”.

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