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Employees’ sex lives is our business (GNW 8/6/09: Dishing the Dirt)

A German firm has commissioned reports on the sex lives of prospective employees. Probably fair enough for a brothel.

German firm Deutsche Telekom has been producing reports on the private lives of prospective employees. Hey, when you run the phone system, who wouldn’t have a bit of a listen.

German firm Deutsche Telekom has been producing reports on the private lives of prospective employees. But they claim the research isn’t job-related – they’re just saving up the information for the end-of-year office-party.

German firm Deutsche Telekom has been producing reports on the private lives of prospective employees. But they swear the information will not affect anyone’s job, and will strictly be used for personal blackmail. / and will be only ever revealed in excited whispers in the tea room. / and will be only ever revealed on the most discreet and personal websites.

But the firm claims they require detailed knowledge of their employee’s sexual habits. That’s what keeps them so firm.

The large firm insists that if they didn’t have such detailed knowledge of their employees’ sexual habits, they’d be a large flaccid.

It’s a great idea to get your potential employees checked by intelligence agencies. You never know when one of them might be a spy, a drug-dealer, or just up for a bit of desk-top action.

The company says it does not commission reports into the private lives of job candidates. Once it’s been put up on the internet, it’s hardly private.

One prospective employee was dubbed a “very experienced and imaginative sexual partner”, “known by her friends as a female predator with a seriously elevated sex-drive” who “preferred older men”. Has to be said, it was a fantastic job interview.

One prospective employee was dubbed a “very experienced and imaginative sexual partner”, “known by her friends as a female predator with a seriously elevated sex-drive” who “preferred older men”. But in this case, the knowledge actually gave her an advantage, and she’s since been given the head job. / asked to perform the head job.

The firm said it did not routinely commission reports on the private lives of applicants. Just the ones it fancied.

Another candidate was known as a “heavy drinker”, and another as a “corrupt rat”. So both were deemed perfect for human resources. / But it’s hard to sack the CEOs. / But you can’t really sack the bosses…

The company says it does not commission reports into the private lives of their job candidates. They’re just really lucky guessers.

The company says it does not commission reports into the private lives of their employees. Once an applicant is given a position, their gossip file is destroyed.

Documents on prospective employees include information about their sex lives, drinking and corruption. The firm said it wasn’t spying, it was just browsing Twitter.

One prospective employee was described as a “corrupt rat”. He’d obviously hidden the corruption from authorities, but there’s no escaping the ear of the phone company.

One prospective employee was described as a “corrupt rat”. Apparently, he’d been spying on employees!

One prospective employee was described as a “corrupt rat”. They’re considering him for CEO.

The company has previously admitted spying on journalists and board members, and going through the bank records of 100,000 workers. So they figure if you’re applying for a job you probably WANT to be spied on.

The company has previously admitted spying on journalists and board members, and going through the bank records of 100,000 workers. If they’re one thing, it’s thorough. / Clearly, as a telephone company, they’re in the wrong business.

The German firm admitted they’d been involved with privacy breeches, though they call them lederhosen.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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