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Emissions fading (GNW 8/6/09: monologue)

The Government’s Emissions Trading Scheme is headed for defeat in the Senate as Malcolm Turnbull asks that we see what the rest of the world does before we commit. Will it burn, or will it drown? It sure will be fun to find out!

The Government’s Emissions Trading Scheme is headed for defeat in the Senate as Malcolm Turnbull asks that we see what the rest of the world does before we commit. He’s like that kid who won’t say anything until the rest of the class have given their answers. / He’s a sucker for peer-pressure. / He just wants to do, y’know, whatever everyone else is doing. / He thinks that, if he does what all the other kids are doing, maybe they’ll like him.

If only the Government, Coalition and the Greens could agree on the details of the Emissions Trading Scheme. What we need is some sort of Conditions Trading Scheme.

Malcolm Turnbull has deferred support for the government’s scheme, despite big splits in his own party and the total opposition of the Nationals. He could really do with a Coalitions Trading Scheme.

Is Turnbull a master tactician, a politician on a mission, or a mere rhetorician? See, the addition of conditions on emissions has caused attrition to the Coalition’s position, if not demolition. The opposition’s submission will have to transition in recognition of its position omission. By definition.

Turnbull doesn’t want to pass legislation until Copenhagen has reached an agreement. Rudd doesn’t want to reach an agreement at Copenhagen until legislation is passed. And Bob Brown just thinks, whatever order we do things in, we’re all doomed.

Turnbull doesn’t want to pass legislation until Copenhagen has reached an agreement. Rudd doesn’t want to reach an agreement at Copenhagen until legislation is passed. And Copenhagen wants to know where the other Stooge is. / wants to know who’s on first. / wants to get them both by the hair and slam their heads together.

Turnbull doesn’t want to pass legislation until Copenhagen has reached an agreement. Rudd doesn’t want to reach an agreement at Copenhagen until legislation is passed. And the environment just wants to get them both by the hair and slam their little heads together. / And Bob Brown just wants to get them both by the hair and slam their little heads together.

Wilson Tuckey has said he would never vote for an emissions trading scheme, no matter what it was. Sounds like an educated opinion to me…

Nationals leader Warren Truss said that the scheme places “Australian industry at a disadvantage in every sector”. The world’s endangered animals, destroyed ecosystems and displaced peoples have responded “oh, no, you’re right, sorry about the inconvenience, we’ll just go back to DYING then shall we.”

The delay on the Emissions Trading Scheme vote could result in a double dissolution – one of Parliament, and one of the coastline. / of coastal towns.

The delay on the Emissions Trading Scheme vote could result in a double dissolution. Of course, most of us are pretty disillusioned with the whole thing already.

Parts of the Coalition are hoping that if the vote on the Trading Scheme is delayed sufficiently, many of the most vocal global warming lobby groups will be drowned. / will have gone extinct.

The National Party are just hoping that a delay will see reason prevail and the voices of the doomsayers will be drowned out. Which should be true if they live on the coast.

The Coalition wants to wait to see what the U.S. does. Who knows who they might invade?

The Coalition wants to wait to see what the U.S. does. After all, that worked so well with Afghanistan, Iraq, and economic deregulation…

Bob the Greenie – Can we fix it?
Bob the Greenie – hopefully, but not with the current emissions trading scheme proposal, which is weak, ineffective, and panders to business interest over the welbeing of the planet.

The Greens want to scrap the ETS and start again on a more sound ecological foundation, while the other parties argue over the details of the current one. It’s like a bunch of people standing in the rain arguing about which handkerchief to use to stay dry, and ignoring the dude suggesting they buy an umbrella.

All this Coalition infighting over emissions trading makes them appear pissweak and ineffective – much like the ETS itself.

On one hand the Greens think the scheme is too light on polluters. On the other, the Coalition and Steve Fielding think it’s too harsh, too soon. And Nick Xenophon also thinks it’s too soon, but would still like it sooner than the others. But at least all the Labor members kowtow to Rudd. / If there was any danger of a Labor MP expressing an independent opinion, it could be a real shambles!

The Coalition and Family First both want to delay the vote on the Emissions Trading Scheme till next year. But Nick Xenophon is happy to vote for it to avoid a double dissolution election. After all, he’s only been in the Senate a bit over a year and he’d hate to get voted out before he worked out where the tearoom was.

Of course getting the Coalition to agree on climate change is like asking Christians and Atheists to agree on the timing and location of the second coming. / on the amount of the Jesus rebate. / on levels of “God-botherer tax”.

Of course, it doesn’t really matter what happens with the ETS vote, as it does jack diddly shit for the environment anyway.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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