God sets Minimum Wage (The Glass House 9/11/05)

(Some of these gags have been resurrected from the dead…)

The head of the Government’s new Fair Pay Commission, Ian Harper, says that the minimum wage will be set by “God’s will”. The next minimum wage increase will be two bushels of grain and a plague of frogs.

The head of the Government’s new Fair Pay Commission, Ian Harper, says that the minimum wage will be set by “God’s will”. The new minimum wage will be six pieces of silver.

The government is also introducing “FaithChoices”, where you can worship the Christian god, or go to Hell.

Harper asked delegates at a Christian conference to pray for him and his fellow commissioners as well. Yeah, pray that your house doesn’t get burnt down by the ACTU…

God was pleased to be appointed head of Industrial Relations. “I’m so over Religion. That Fred Nile guy is a real douche.”

Maybe it is the word of God. I mean, if we do get a fair workplace relations bill out of the Federal Government, it’ll be an absolute miracle.

Maybe it is the word of God. It’ll be a miracle if any of us have a job next year.

Ian Harper’s been praying to help create new workplace laws. Now, you have to pray that you’ll keep your job…

Satanic Ministers are outraged. They’ve been sacrificing virgin after virgin for these workplace reforms, and get no recognition at all.

Surely you remember Christ’s famous “Blessed are the employers with less than 100 employees, for they shall sack freely”. It’s my favourite part of the White Paper on the Mount.

Harper describes himself as a “Christian economist”. After all, Christ was well known to be on the side of small business. When he turned over the tables of the money-changers, it was just to encourage them to accept EFTPOS.

He’s been reading the “King Johnny” version of the Bible, featuring “Peter’s Epistle to the Industrial Relations Commission”.

New reforms are based on Christian teachings. From now on, employees who don’t pull their weight can be stoned to death, and maternity leave and holiday pay have been replaced with plagues of locusts and rains of blood.

It’s worrying; the Bible isn’t rich on employment opportunities. You can be a fisherman, an apostle, a carpenter, a legionnaire, or the Son of God; and most of those positions are already filled.

It might be going to John Howard’s head. Apparently last week he took seven loaves and two fishes and miraculously ended up with into five loaves and a battered flake – that’s “the miracle of economic rationalism”.

Christians and employment have always gone together, ever since they were gainfully employed feeding the lions.

Anyway, the meek shall inherit the earth. They don’t need jobs too.

As part of the reforms, two of the disciples have been sacked, and the “blood of Christ” has been replaced with the much cheaper “snot of Christ”.

God is pissed off – he already cops the rap for natural disasters, now he’s being blamed for economic ones too!

God’s pissed off. “It was much better when they had an Industrial Relations Commission. I mean, how should I know what a wharfie should be paid?”

God’s had to put on more staff to cope with all the extra work. And he’s had to ask George Bush to handle security on his own for a while.

The new legislation includes Ten Commandments of Industrial Relations, including “Thou Shalt Not Strike”, “Thou Shalt Not Unionise”, and “Thou Shalt Not Lodge An Unfair Dismissals Claim”.

The guy’s a “Christian economist”. That’s a bit like being a “Christian scientist” – meaning, “not a scientist at all”.

Leave a Reply