Papal Ads (GNW 15/6/09: Strange But True)

Vatican Radio is going to run commercials for the first time in its 78-year history. They would have done it sooner, but approval from the boss takes bloody ages to come through.

Previously the only jingles allowed were of rosary beads. / were on the popular “Rosary Bead Hour”.

“Radio P.O.P.E – ALL Latin, ALL the time!” / ALL Guilt, ALL the time!”

They’ll run ads for the Vatican itself: “If anyone can, the Vati-can!”

Never before has the station allowed jingles on air. And let me tell you, “Go Harvey Norman” sounds pretty different sung by the entire Bavarian Choir.

The first ads will be from Italian energy giant Enel. God remembers when he was the only energy giant in the Vatican. / I thought the only energy giant the Vatican would support would be God.

The first ads will be from Italian energy giant Enel. I can’t believe the Pope is supporting Enel – he always says sex is only for procreation! (Oh, EEEnel. My mistake.)

Not only will the station preach the word of God, but the word of Coke! / of Godfreys! / of Maccas, Mazda and the Holy Coke.

Alcohol companies will only be allowed to advertise if they refer to their products as being the “blood of Christ”.

The ads will have to be ideologically sound. Each must include at least one reference to unverifiable supernatural phenomena.

They’ll also run classified ads. “Bishop seeks altar boy for bell-ringing, cross-bearing and deep, penetrating companionship.” / and blow jobs.”

The radio station has a wide-ranging playlist. Unsurprising, they’ve got very Catholic tastes.

I can hear it now: “One lucky caller in our ‘Drive-time Confessions Talkback Bonanza’ will win a free blessing from the Pope and a ticket to Mass – just after these messages!”

Although, they don’t call them “ads” – they prefer to call them “scriptures”.

Advertisers are jumping at the chance – if the listeners can buy Christianity, they’ll buy ANYTHING!

The ads will be interspersed between papal messages. Although there’s quite a contrast between “Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ” and “CARPETS! RUGS! PERSIANS! OUT THEY GOOOOOOO!”

Ads for holy water, robes, and rosaries are OK. Ads for brothels, condoms and gimp masks, probably not.

So ads for ribbed Rough Riders probably won’t get an airing.

Only approved companies will be allowed to advertise on the papal station. Crazy John will not be allowed, but Baptist John will be okay. Oh, and Crazy Judas will be allowed too. After all, 30 pieces of silver is INSANE VALUE!

Spots on Vatican Radio seem quite cheap, although they do require your soul as deposit.

Of course you’ve got to work out what your product is called in Latin.

The great thing is that anyone can hear Vatican Radio. And if you can’t, you aren’t praying hard enough.

It turns out the Bible is one big infomercial for God.

Now Catholics will be required to observe Good Friday, Easter Sunday, and No-Repeat Tuesday.

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