Cyanide Implant (GNW 15/6/09: So You Think You Can Mime)

The German Patent Office is refusing to patent a Saudi invention of a GPS transceiver that could be implanted under the skin, allowing people to be tracked, and, in the advanced model, killed remotely. It’s like a take-away Auschwitz.

Fantastic! Finally, a future where we can all be one computer malfunction away from a grisly death!

Ah, those Saudis. Always with humanity’s best interests at heart.

The Germans are refusing to patent the deadly chip. How times have changed.

But governments are refusing to patent the deadly chip. Pah – what could they possibly have against new convenient killing-technology? The old methods are all so time-consuming, messy, and tied up with bureaucratic mumbo jumbo about “rights” and “justice”.

Looks like our worst nightmare is someone else’s sweet sweet dream.

It’d be great in warfare too, if you could somehow convince the enemy to get them all implanted. / The hard part is convincing the enemy to get them all implanted.

The technology will come in particularly handy on the inevitable day when robots get smarter than us and combine it with their morality-free, calculating cruelty to destroy us one-by-one. / to eradicate all humans.

The cyanide implanting technology is unlikely to be accepted by governments, but it’s bound to create a curly new case for Miss Marple.

But why not allow the technology? It’s clearly for the good of the world. If only Hitler had’ve had access to technology like this he would’ve been able to kill himself much more simply. / by remote control. (And of course, that’s ALL he would’ve done with it.)

But surely a device that allows governments to quickly and cleanly eliminate all potential threats could never be used for evil.

The government has said they’ll allow the killer chip technology, but only if people promise not to use it for evil. No crossing fingers! / Cross your heart and hope to die. Which of course, with the new technology, is easily arranged.

Frankly, unless we DO allow technologies like this, how are we going to ruthlessly destroy suspected threats without arrest or trial? / without needing to gather “evidence” and lay “charges”.

It won’t be granted a patent in Germany because it transgresses good morals and will result in too many secret service retrenchments.

If authorities deemed the wearer had become a public threat, they could remotely release a dose of deadly cyanide into their system, which acts as a very effective warning.

The technology allows the government to track people of interest, and if they become a public threat, execute them, without that whole cumbersome “arrest, trial, death sentence” thing. / that whole “justice” fiddle faddle.

The Saudi inventor says that the GPS chip could be used to track and kill terrorists and dissidents. Which from the Saudi perspective is US.

The chip could be used to track foreigners overstaying their visas, and of course conveniently kill them. Now that would be a Pacific solution. / a Pacific Solution…a FINAL Pacific Solution.

At last deadly cyanide can be delivered personally, rather than using a blunt instrument like the Holocaust.

Fantastic that cyanide can be delivered to dangerous individuals. That Holocaust thing was so impersonal.

The Germans are turning down his application for patent. After all, this technology should be free for all!

The Germans are turning down his application for patent. After all, why should they have to pay this guy every time they want to implant someone with remote-controlled cyanide?

This guy’s patent application doesn’t stand a chance. I mean, who hasn’t thought of implanting people with remotely-triggered cyanide?

The Jeddah-based inventor says the device would be suited for tracking fugitives from justice, terrorists, illegal immigrants, criminals, political opponents, defectors, domestic help, and Saudi Arabians who don’t return home from pilgrimages. True. It’s also a good way of ensuring they don’t return home.

Finally, we can keep tabs on footballers. But we might have to arm-wrestle over who gets to flick the killswitch.

I think it’s a great idea. In fact, what I want to see is everyone in the world implanted with one of these chips, and then given the remote control to everyone else’s killchip… and then just stand back and see what happens!

Apparently the chip will be the perfect way to deal with domestic help too. In Saudi Arabia, your contract doesn’t get terminated – you do.

Now that chip on your shoulder could actually kill you.

It’d be a great weapon in the War on Terror. Finally give al-Qaeda something worth stealing. / For whichever side the Saudis are on.

Finally there’s a guaranteed lethal weapon downloadable to your iPhone.

Swiss tabloids have dubbed the technology a “killer chip”, though I’d prefer they reserved that term for psychotic french fries.

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