Government Cures Obesity (GNW 15/6/09: What’s the Story?)

A Parliamentary committee has recommended that obese Australians should be given free lap-band surgery to reduce their ongoing burden on the health system. Either that or a fatal injection.

Well, the Government keeps telling us we have to tighten our belt. (Or, indeed, gastric band.)

I guess when Ruddy tells us we’ve got to tighten our belts, he means it literally.

The Prime Minister was completely behind the scheme, until he was told it was actually free lap-BANDING, not lap-DANCING.

They suggest public funding of operations to combat obesity. Lap-band surgery would be preferred, but in these times of budget deficit we may have to make do with lip-sewing.

Wouldn’t it be better if the government funded liposuction? That way at least they’d end up with a surplus.

The operations cost $15,000. Surely it’s going to be cheaper to just overfeed the morbidly obese until they burst. That way, everyone’s happy!

Having been through the procedure, Mikey has told me he’s firmly against this proposal, unless they make funding retrospective.

Too bad if you’re fond of your fat. But I guess you can always take it home in a bag. / in a flabby-bag.

And those who are underweight should be force-fed like pâté geese. We’ll make everyone the same weight somehow.

Currently lap-band surgery is almost exclusively undertaken by those with private health insurance, though at least that makes for a quality, marbled fat. Opening it up to public patients is no fun for the surgeons – who wants to handle a big blob of Maccas lard? / it’s like cleaning out a french fry vat.

Or, of course, people could eat well and do a bit of exercise. Nah, that’s crazy talk.

The government wants to combat the “unproductive” elements of obesity, which including absenteeism and unemployment. In a related scheme, they will be encouraging alcoholics to take their grog to work, and instructing junkies to shoot up in the office.

And smokers should get free fags.

Our government would much rather we all foot the bill for some fat Aussies’ weight-loss surgery than see those poor chunky diddums get sick and die from their own stupid lifestyle choices. It’s just not fair! When I make stupid lifestyle choices, no-one offers to pay for MY operations, fix the A-frame, clean up all the whipped cream or extricate the gerbils, do they!

Of course, if we all just let the idiot barge-arses drop off the perch, not only do we save all that money, but we each get a bit more room too.

Surely it’s a better option just to make all healthy food really really cheap, and tax the living buggery out of all the unhealthy food? That way, you know someone who is morbidly obese is at least livin’ it up.

The parliamentary committee says all Australians should regularly have their height and weight measured, so the Government can monitor the nation’s obesity rates, as well as rates of dwarfism.

The study also found that obesity was the last bastion of discrimination. Now come on, people, be fair to the poor lard-arses and fatty boombahs.

The study found that obesity was one of the last bastions of discrimination. So now, we just need to do something about those freaky redheads.

The study also found that obesity was the last bastion of discrimination. So it’s about time we outlawed it.

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