The Guantanamo Diet (The Glass House 9/11/05)

Donald Rumsfeld said Guantanamo Bay hunger strikers are “going on a diet”. And sewing their lips together is just a bit of needlepoint.

Donald Rumsfeld said Guantanamo Bay hunger strikers are “going on a diet”. The really keen dieters sew their lips together!

Rumsfeld elaborated that prisoners who attempted to hang themselves were just “bungy jumping”.

“And there are a number of people who scream and bleed for a little while, as well as some folk who like to take a rest from breathing.”

“Some of these people decide to wear electrodes on their genitals, and go around naked, being beaten with sticks. I guess it’s just the fashion over there.”

“It’s all part of the freedom diet that they’re on. Too much freedom makes you fat.”

I’m not surprised they’re going on diets. You wanna look your fittest for your naked pyramid photos!

It’s a very successful diet too. One inmate lost over 30 kilos – even more once he’d died!

As well as the innovated “no food” diet, many inmates also go on “no-sleep” and “no-comfort” diets. It’s a harsh dietary regime, low in protein and health, but high in electrodes and scars.

They’re not on a hunger strike, they’re on a diet! And they’re not being tortured, they’re being exercised! Yeah, that’s it – it’s a Fitness Camp! It’s not a beating after all – it’s a massage! That human pyramid isn’t humiliation – it’s gymnastics! And that bag on your head – it’s to protect you from sunburn! Guantanemo Bay – the holiday that could last a lifetime!

But if the detainees really want to lose weight, I don’t know why they don’t just utilise the methods on offer like sleep depravation and water torture!

The water diet is very popular down at Guantanamo too – you take it one drip at a time.

Why would you go on a hunger strike, when there’s so many kinds of food to choose from? There’s pork balls, bacon balls, pork spare ribs, bacon-and-pork balls, roast pork, and prosciutto-wrapped ham!

After all, the inmates are very image-conscious… they’ve been wearing hipster-style rags, Gucci headsacks, and constantly request the latest designer electrodes.

The UN has been denied access to the Camp recently, but it’s for the prisoners’ sake; they wouldn’t want to be seen with unsightly flab.

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