Lick Bond’s Icy Pole (GNW 15/6/09: monologue)

In Britain, an icy pole has been released in the shape of James Bond star Daniel Craig’s torso. Evil villains can at last give 007 a proper licking.

“So, Mr Bond, you are helpless. Even if I decide not to bite off your head, you will still melt while out of the freezer. You will never escape this small wooden stick!”

The frozen snack is featured in re-releases of the Bond classics, “For Your Ice Only”, “You Only Live Ice”, and “Ice-ense to Kill”. / “You Only Lick Ice”, and “Ice-ense to Kill”.

It’s the icy pole of choice for supervillains everywhere. They especially like biting off his head.

Supervillains around the world are now devising cunning new high-tech ways to dispose of the delicious snack.

It’s quite a large icecream. But if evil masterminds can’t finish it all in one go, they can always finish it off next time, NEXT TIME!!

But villains should beware if they think they’ve got Bond captured on that small wooden stick. Leave him out of the freezer, and before they know it, he’ll have just melted away to freedom!

And who HASN’T wanted to munch on a frozen legless body? I know I have.

It comes in 3 flavours – frozen martini, gunsmoke, and the taste of adventure. / and octopussy.

The icy-pole comes in blueberry, pomegranate and cranberry flavours. Coz 007 isn’t a vanilla sort of guy. / They were the poshest flavours they could think of. / Combined, they make a surprisingly yucky martini. / What about gin and olive? / Just like the real Daniel Craig.

Daniel Craig has been a major sex symbol since his first turn as Bond in Casino Royale. So clearly it was about time he was turned into an icy-pole.

The target market is women, who apparently have expressed keen interest in licking Daniel Craig’s icy pole.

He’s definitely far sexier than Bubble’o’Bill. / the Paddle Pop Lion.

It’s the perfect snack for when you crave a frozen secret agent.

Unfortunately, as soon as you unwrap the Daniel Criag icypole, he melts. Looks like he’s just too hot.

It’s kind of weird – it gets you hot, then cools you down. It’s icy bi-polar.

It’s a perfect likeness of the scene when Bond is frozen in carbonite. Wait, that’s not him… oh no, now the bad guys are going to get some ideas!

The icy pole is only available for the UK’s National Ice-Cream week, but fortunately the moulds can still be used to make dildos. / but never fear ladies – the Daniel Craig moulds can still be used to make …other things. (wink wink)

I just wonder what he’s doing with his hands. Looks like icy pole Craig likes his stick.

The icy pole features the Bond-actor from the waist up. Though Craig himself says he’d prefer it if you licked his other half.

Of course if this was Jessica Alba it would be called sexist. And delicious!

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