Cruise-Controlling Australia (GNW 15/6/09: monologue)

Tom Cruise is embarking on a recruitment drive for Australian Scientologists while spending four months in Melbourne. Doesn’t he know? In this country, we’d rather have a lamb roast.

But when Tom is mentally manipulating people into joining Scientology, it’s not called “brainwashing”. It’s called “Cruise Control”.

Cruise is hoping to dispel myths that Scientology is a cult, by gathering people together and brainwashing them en masse.

Cruise insists Scientology is not a cult – it’s more like a bizarre sci-fi pseudo-religious sect that you sacrifice your life to.

Cruise insists that Scientology shouldn’t be referred to as a “cult”. The correct term is “body-thetan-eradicating brainwave-auditing pseudo-scientific secretive insular litigious lifestyle choice”.

Cruise insists Scientology is not a cult – it’s everyone else who’s hooked into the dangerous cult of unScientology.

Kate Ceberano’s thrilled. She’s sick of doing all the legwork.

Victoria outlawed Scientology for six years in the 1960s after a QC branded it evil. How misguided – it’s the Galactic Confederacy of Xenu that’s evil!

Scientology was banned in Victoria in the 1960s after a QC in charge of an enquiry concluded, “Scientology is evil; its techniques evil… and its adherents sadly deluded and often mentally ill.” Cruise will refute these claims clearly from his Bouncing Couch of Galactic Justice.

Scientology was banned in Victoria in the 60s. Which of course means it’s subsequently been legalised. We wouldn’t want to miss out on a visit from TomKat!

But it’s not going to work in Australia. If we want to see self-important idiots spouting bullshit, we’ve already got Clare the bogan!

Poor foolish man. He thinks his celebrity status will make us flock to his beloved Scientology, but really, while he’s saying “Xenu”, all we’re hearing is “GOOOOSE!”

Because if there’s one guy who can prove that it’s not a religion of crazies, it’s the original couch-jumper.

He’s going to try to persuade people that a religion of alien-worshipping celebrities is actually totally sane, by leaping on a couch and appealing to Xenu.

He’s going to try to prove that, as far as alien-worshipping mind-control cults go, Scientology is definitely the sanest.

Only problem is that it could mean any lunatic could get access to Tom Cruise. Actually, that’s the idea.

Aussies are perfect for Scientology. It’s like Christianity with celebrities!

Cruise will be in Melbourne for four months while Katie Holmes shoots her latest film, Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark. Let that be a warning to any other cities that want to attract production of Katie Holmes movies.

He’s taking the opportunity to have one last crack at converting Nicole.

I must say it’ll be good to have Tom here by himself, without the moderating influence of, say, Oprah.

Of course Tom gets a bad rap for being a bit unhinged at times, when really, it’s all the negative body thetans doing the face-pulling and couch-jumping.

He’s got to do something with his time when he’s in Australia. Otherwise he might have to watch Katie act.

He’s going to have troubles promoting Scientology in this country. The only aliens here are Austr-aliens.

He’s sure Melbourne will embrace the stories of body-hugging space-creatures. Everyone says it’s crawling with Austr-aliens.

In return, Xenu is now doing a tour promoting “Valkyrie”.

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