This Thing Shits All Over Wii (GNW 22/6/09: What’s the Story?)

Microsoft are developing a game console which can be played completely hands-free, which makes a change from the current brain-free models.

With the new device, you can interact with a young boy called Milo, without it being called “grooming”. / without attracting the attention of the authorities.

The controller, codenamed “Natal” can provide the realistic sensation of skateboarding, tae-kwan-do, or even playing a Wii!

With the new device, your natural body movements can allow you to splash water, try on new clothes, or play your favourite sport. Just like what we used to call “real life”.

But by far the most popular game is the one that perfectly simulates the experience of playing Galaga. / of using a Playstation 2.

It promises a more realistic interactive experience. Especially when you lose a game and punch it in the screen.

Microsoft says the console is a “total body experience”, which can sense your facial expressions, body movements and voice, respond on a one-to-one level, and slowly but surely drive you personally insane.

At last game designers can design games where your hands can be chopped off without affecting the game-play.

The built-in camera and microphone means the console responds to all your movements and voice commands, can connect with friends and family, and allows Microsoft to monitor everything you do. For your own sake.

Of course, to recognise you it needs a full body scan. But the makers of the device promise the scan has nothing to do with SkyNet’s plans of world domination. Nothing at all.

Best of all, it completely negates the need for real life!

And the advanced model is the only console that can land you in hospital!

The console can react directly to what it “sees” or “hears”. For instance, if you bring home a Nintendo or Playstation, it will refuse to play with you. / it will sulk.

Of course, it makes you look like an absolute tool if you’re playing Pac Man. (dumb snapping jaws, arms down by sides, running in squares) / The only problem is, it’s really hard to play Pong on it. (act like whole body is a tennis racket)

It promises a more realistic interactive experience. Except of course, in the case of car racing, it’s actually more realistic to be holding a steering wheel.

Great. Now your TV can tell when you’re picking your nose. / Now you can’t even pick your nose in front of the telly. / Now I have to dress up just to watch a bit of telly.

Great. Now your TV watches YOU.

A lot of people are suspicious, saying they’ve seen this kind of thing before. They say the whole thing stinks a bit like Wii.

But what do you throw at the screen when you lose?

Unfortunately now if you swear at the game, it gets hurt feelings.

It’s like virtual reality without the stupid headgear. Which is really going to piss off manufacturers of stupid headgear.

Best of all, it can completely simulate the experience of itself, without it even being there. Spooky.

True to its name, “Natal” has a game providing all the pain and anguish of childbirth, but with entirely virtual children!

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