Local Gitmo (GNW 22/6/09: What’s the Story?)

The council of Hardin, a small town in Montana, has unanimously agreed to volunteer the town prison as the new Guantanamo Bay. Well, if you think about it, it’s actually probably the best way of ensuring that you DON’T fall victim to terrorist attack.

It’s for their own security. You might notice there haven’t been any terrorist attacks at Gitmo lately.

Becoming a Guantanamo is a sure way of keeping terrorism away. Not only would they be afraid of being caught, they’d also mostly be blowing up their allies. / it’d also be mostly friendly fire.

And even if some terrorists did escape, where would they escape to? As if they could hide out undetected in The Rocky Mountains!

They just want to suspend habeas corpus and the rule of law, and maybe get in a little torture. / and if they’re lucky, perform the occasional mauling-by-dogs.

The town council say they can do illegal detention and torture as well as anyone.

The town, with a population of 3,400, was relying on a new state-of-the-art prison to drag it out of its economic slump, but a Montana governor decided not to use it. So I’m sure he’ll be right behind this plan. / So the council will have to hope for a new governor, like, say, Fidel Castro.

The town, with a population of 3,400, was relying on a new state-of-the-art prison to drag it out of its economic slump, but it turned out they needed to actually USE it.

It certainly would solve the problem for President Obama. He was thinking he’d have to invade and illegally occupy somewhere. And he couldn’t decide which PART of Texas.

Because what the world really needs is another Gitmo.

At least this way people can be mercilessly tortured to death on good honest American soil.

Unfortunately, the place gets so cold during wintertime, the prisoners are going to have to be iceboarded. / frostboarded.

This way, the prisoners won’t try to escape. In Guantanamo, escape means luscious tropical beaches. In Montana, escape just means cold empty plains in the heart of the Great Satan.

This way, the prisoners won’t try to escape. In Guantanamo, escape means luscious tropical beaches and hot Caribbean women. In Montana, escape just means frozen plains and obese pasty inbred hicks.

The real problem with putting the detainees in a prison, is that then the American military might have to charge them with some sort of crime. / might have to find some sort of actual legal reason for keeping them there.

Many of the locals are against bringing Guantanamo Bay to Montana. They think all the extra sun will fade the curtains. / They don’t want the place overrun with Cubans.

Finally, someone in big bad America is tough enough to lock the scary terrorists away in ultra-high-security virtually-inescapable prisons. The rest of them should just grow a pair.

Although in the northern winters of Montana, a naked pyramid can do some permanent damage. / can leave permanent scars.

The town council said they have long looked forward to rebuilding the town on the back of torturing Arab scum.

Obama’s hoping the town’s move is the first stage to a torture-led economic recovery. / an imprisonment-driven economic recovery.

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