Good Next Week (GNW 29/6/09: closing)

Tuesday, June 30
The inquiry into the 2007 federal election is due to report: Canberra. Turns out The Libs actually won, and Costello should be the PM! Chose the wrong time to retire, eh.

Tomorrow, the inquiry into the 2007 federal election is due to report in Canberra – apparently, not only did John Howard actually win, but there IS NO KEVIN RUDD!

The inquiry into a Tasmanian AFL franchise is due to report in Melbourne tomorrow. The team is going to be known as the Tassie Maps.

In Melbourne tomorrow, the inquiry into a Tasmanian AFL franchise is due to report. If they end up having a team, apparently it will be called the “Tasmanian Motherlovers”.

In Melbourne tomorrow, the inquiry into a Tasmanian AFL franchise is due to report. They’ll conclude it’s an excellent idea in theory, but the AFL just thinks it’s too cold down there.

In Brisbane, Federal Cabinet Meets The Public – run! / that event is strictly BYO swine flu.

In Brisbane, the Federal Cabinet Meets The Public – and we’ll finally get to see what’s inside.

Tomorrow, it’s a special day in Brisbane: Federal Cabinet Meets The Public. Or as they call it up there, “Dickheads Sweating in Suits” Day.

Tomorrow, the government will hold public consultation on the Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme in Brisbane. They chose Brisbane because it’s already much like a post-climate-change world – hot, desolate, and full of mutants.

The inventor of Google Maps will give the 2009 Innovation Lecture in Brisbane. If he can work out how to get there. / Or wherever it is he ends up.

The inventor of Google Maps will give the 2009 Innovation Lecture in Brisbane. It’s the only lecture visible from space!

The Bureau of Statistics will release the social trends figures. Hessian is the new black!

The Bureau of Statistics will release the social trends figures tomorrow, exclusively on Twitter. / as a Tweet.

The Bureau of Statistics will show the latest economic indicators, but will turn them off again once they’ve changed lanes.

The Bureau of Statistics will release the latest economic indicators, so at least everyone will get notice before the economy turns left or right. / changes lanes. / merges into traffic. / pulls a hook turn. / chucks a ‘U’wie.

Wednesday, July 01
Canada National Day is on July 1st – they just have to get in before the Yanks do.

On Wednesday, Work Choices will finally end, being replaced with something called “Fair Work” laws, or as the Prime Minister originally named them, the “Fair Work of the Sauce Bottle” laws.

Wednesday spells the end of Work Choices! Except, of course, most of it.

On Wednesday, the chief of News Ltd. will be at the National Press Club, so expect tough questions from half the room and absolute suck jobs from the rest.

The Bureau of Statistics will release the latest retail figures, revealing that the economy is currently being propped up by sales of Tamiflu.

Pamela Anderson will turn 42 – or more precisely, 42-double-D.

Pamela Anderson will turn 42, and her breasts turn 16!

On Wednesday, the movie “Ice Age 3” will be released, shortly before the real thing hits.

“Ice Age 3” will be released on Wednesday. Looks like the global warming sceptics were right.

Thursday, July 02

Thursday’s opening of an exhibition called “Exposed! The Story Of Swimwear” will get off to a shaky start when all the photographs of nudists will turn out to have been overexposed…

Friday, July 03
Friday is the UK’s annual Goodwood Festival of Speed – will this year’s winner be oak or pine?

Friday’s “Goodwood Festival of Speed” in the UK will be busted by the cops.

Friday’s “Goodwood Festival of Speed” in the UK will be followed by the “Goodspeed Festival of Wood”, the “Speedwood Festival of Good”, and the “Goodspoon Festival of Weed”. Clearly, too much Goodwood Speed…

Friday’s “Goodwood Festival of Speed” in the UK will celebrate the wonderful erections created through amphetamines. / And on Friday, the UK will celebrate amphetamines-based erections, with the “Goodwood Festival of Speed”.

Tom Cruise will turn 47, which is 465 in thetan years.

Tom Cruise will turn 47, so long as you only include his Earthly incarnation.

Saturday, July 04
Saturday is American Independence Day – Yanks versus aliens!

Le Tour de France commence, si vous donnez une merde.

Sunday, July 05
July the 5th is Venezuela Independence Day. That Hugo Chavez – always trying to go one better than America.

Saturday is the Gold Coast Marathon – 42 kilometres of beer!

Sunday marks 20 years since the debut of “Seinfeld” – get outta here!

On Sunday it’ll be 20 years since the debut of “Seinfeld”. They’re renaming Newman “Oldman”.

Monday, July 06
George Dubya Bush will turn 63, and his birthday party will be a bit smaller now he’s lost the fair-weather Presidential friends.

George Dubya Bush will turn 63, and, once again, he’s inviting Osama…

George Dubya Bush will turn 63. But he’s still got a mental age of 11.

Geoffrey Rush will turn 58. Less of a Rush now, more of an Amble. / a Hobble.

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