Uteless Politicians (GNW 29/6/09: What’s the Story?)

And the big news? Utegate! Although anyone who knows anything about utes knows that the correct term is “tailgate”.

Although now that the ute’s turned out to be a bit irrelevant the media are renaming it Godwin-Grech-Grant-gate. Great. (Or rather, great-gate.)

Will someone please shut the gate on this ridiculous suffix “gate”? Unless the scandal actually involves a gate! / If a scandal involves an actual gate, you’ve got nowhere to go. / Would Shakespeare’s “Julius Caeser” really have been improved if the murder conspiracy was called “Ides-of-March-gate”?

Basically the story is that the Liberals didn’t have a copy of an email the recipient said he didn’t have that didn’t come from a car dealer who failed to get assistance from a scheme that hasn’t been rorted. The only thing that’s missing is something actually happening!

Looks like someone in Treasury might have set-up the Coalition insider mole Godwin Grech. That’ll teach the untrustworthy Treasury official to trust Treasury officials.

The opposition has been screaming for Rudd & Swan to resign. The government has been screaming for Turnbull to resign. I know – how about EVERYBODY resigns and we start again with adults?

Personally, I love this story. It’s so good to see our politicians doing something utesful.

The more we find out, the less anything turns out to be what it appears to be! Soon we’re going to find out that Kevin Rudd is actually just Peter Costello in a wig and glasses!

The whole thing’s an intriguing web of mystery. You know it’s going to turn out the fake email was written by Colonel Mustard in the library, with a candelabra.

The whole thing’s like a bad mystery novel. You know it’s going to turn out that the fake email was written by the butler.

No-one could find the email, so it must have been fake. Because it’s really complicated to press “delete”.

The Opposition were demanding Rudd and Swan resign – because they might’ve helped a car dealer apply for a legitimate government program which didn’t end up helping him. And then the Government demanded Turnbull’s resignation – for not sufficiently checking his sources. Wow – Peter Costello really lowered the bar when he resigned for being a smug coward. / And Joe Hockey should resign because he’s quite fat! / And what about Peter Garrett – he’s far too bald for Parliament!

The Coalition are hoping that next time the Prime Minister ACTUALLY fails to corrupt the system. Then maybe he’ll resign like a good boy.

Look, he may be a multimillionaire, but how was Rudd going to win over the Aussie battlers if he passed up a chance to scum a free second-hand ute?

The real question here is why would a multimillionaire want to scum a free second-hand ute? And of course the answer is “once a Queenslander, always a Queenslander”.

And what makes the whole matter worse is that apparently the ute was full of refugees, throwing their children off and watching them bouncing down the street as they zoomed away.

Next time Gordon Grech gets an email, maybe he’ll try replying to it. Then the supposed sender might notice that they never sent it.

If the email from Rudd’s office really is fake, whoever concocted it is lucky Grech didn’t feel like replying to emails that day, or their clever ruse would’ve blown wide apart!

Apparently, a follow-up email in which Rudd offered to enlarge Mr Grech’s penis by 400%, make him rock hard all night, and deposit a billion Nigerian dollars into his bank account, also turned out to be fake.

This story has everything a good political scandal needs! Corruption! Leaks! Forgery! Utes!

I’m not sure why this is worth the resignations of all our most senior politicians. Don’t we already take it as a given that they’re corrupt, greedy liars?

The Coalition were appalled at the thought that Rudd and Swan may have helped out the struggling car dealer. They firmly believe that corruption of the system should only be for those who don’t need it.

No wonder there have been over half a million people out on the streets demanding that the Prime Minister explain the OzCar scandal! Or was that the Iraq War? (I always get them mixed up.)

Turnbull was stunned that the email was fake. It looked as convincing as the evidence of Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction… oh. / This is just like that email from Saddam talking about his WMD.

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