Everybody mustn’t get Stoned (GNW 29/6/09: monologue)

Iran’s parliament is planning on scrapping stoning and hand-amputation, as they’ve now found far more successful ways of oppressing their population. / as semi-automatic weapons seem to work just as well.

No stonings? No amputations? They’re taking the fun out of fundamentalism!

From now on, anyone caught stoning anyone will have their hand cut off. And vice-versa.

Currently, adultery is still punishable by stoning. Iranians are very cautious about getting their rocks off. / In Iran, getting your rocks off is taken quite literally.

Iran really has become much more progressive now that they’ve brutally crushed the rise of the progressives. / had all the progressives brutally crushed.

What a buncha party poopers. If you’re going to scrap stoning and amputation, you might as well scrap the beards, intolerence, and nuclear program.

Looks like the Axis of Evil has just lost a little bit of its evil. *sniff*

It’s taken a long time for them to scrap the barbaric practice of hand-amputation. But whenever it comes to a vote they never get a sufficient show of hands.

Scrapping hand-amputation finally passed a public vote when they put it to a show of stumps.

Chopping off hands and stoning is so barbaric. In an advanced modern culture, disputes are handled execution-style.

The Iranian government is still very anti-drugs, and being pelted with rocks will still be the preferred punishment for anyone caught getting stoned. / However, stoning will still be the preferred punishment for anyone caught getting stoned.

Hey, who needs stoning and amputation when you’ve got the bomb?

But without primitive barbaric punishments, Iran may as well have let the moderates win.

Not only are they getting rid of stoning, but they’re giving hand-amputation the chop.

Not only are they scrapping hand-amputation, but they’re also going to ban the brutal Iranian version of “rock paper scissors”.

Although you can still be shot for wearing green.

Because the last thing the election-rigging, protestor-shooting Iranian government would want to be is violent.

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