Jacko Deado (GNW 29/6/09: monologue)

Michael Jackson is dead. At least, he’s returned to his homeworld.

I don’t believe it! Michael Jackson was alive?

Poor Farrah Fawcett. Her death was swept off the front page pretty damn quickly.

Let that be a lesson – the place to focus your plastic surgery is your heart.

Of course we say he died on Thursday, but that was just the last little bit that wasn’t already hacked, bleached or, at the very least, creatively dead.

There were no suspicious circumstances. Macauley Culkin made sure of that. / was extremely cautious.

Ultimately it was how Jackson would have wanted to go. Young.

So he always remained the boy who never grew up, thanks to the miracle of myocardial infarction.

When plastic surgery and skin-bleaching fail, you can always attain eternal youth through myocardial infarction.

Of course, he’s not really dead. I’ve seen “Thriller”.

His face may have been white but it didn’t stop his heart turning black.

But rest assured, he’s up there in Heaven, with the last 20 years of his career.

I guess his carefully-tended children’s farm will just have to let all the children go.

His children are a mess of emotions. They’ll miss their dad, but at least they’ll get to take off the damn masks.

So the complete Beatles catalogue will now be owned by three masked children. But I’m sure they’ll use it responsibly. / From now on people may only be allowed to listen to “Yellow Submarine” and “Octopus’ Garden”.

Jackson’s health has been under question ever since he dropped Blood on the Dancefloor.

Jackson’s death has been mourned by colleagues, fans and comedians.

Well, it’s a unique way of avoiding paying off your debts…

Like with all music stars, his death will ironically produce a massive surge in people buying his albums – now that he’s not desperate for the money.

It could have been worse. He might’ve survived.

Finally – the Beatles are FREE!

CNN commemorated the man’s death 20 minutes after the story broke, by playing “Thriller”. Which may be the first time anyone’s death has been honoured by showing them as a dancing zombie.

Fans have renamed the pop sensation’s ranch ‘Eventuallyland’.

Really, it didn’t matter if he was black or white. And now we’ll never know.

But there’s always a bright side. Now, at least Macaulay Culkin can sleep at night. / Now at least Satan can learn how to moonwalk.

Ah, death. The smoothest criminal of them all.

He died of a heart attack. Looks like he couldn’t rock with us ALL night after all.

But he’ll always be remembered in our hearts. As a child-molesting freak.

I really feel for his children. But at least now the insane old pederast is dead. / Well, someone’s got to.

It is a true tragedy. Who will we make paedophile jokes about now?

It’s good news for Gary Glitter – at long last he can be the number one celebrity paedophile!

Michael Jackson – Black or White, he was a Thriller, seemingly Invincible, able to Heal the World – but the Blood on the Dancefloor was too Dangerous – he just couldn’t Beat It. And now… he’s HIStory. He’s Out of My Life. Sorry, that was Bad, Billie Jean.

Leave a Reply