Daredevil scrooges (GNW 6/7/09: monologue)

A British website has collected extreme money-saving tips from people they’re calling “daredevil scrooges”. That’s right, daredevil scrooges! They’re so tight they risk their lives through anal implosion!

Ah, daredevil scrooges. They’d be superheroes, if it wasn’t so damn expensive. / if capes weren’t so expensive. / if saving people wasn’t so damn costly.

Daredevil scrooges? Looks like the ghost of Christmas future will have his work cut out. / the Christmas ghosts are going to have to up their game.

One tip is to double your value by using a sewing machine to sew one teabag into two half-bags. And use less thread by cutting the half teabags in half. By the time you’ve taken this to its logical conclusion, you’ll have forgotten you were thirsty.

One tip is to double your value by using a sewing machine to sew one teabag into two half-bags. And then only use them when you have a visit from the Queen.

One tip is to double your value by using a sewing machine to sew one teabag into two half–bags. Or if you don’t want to use the thread, why not just use one leaf at a time? / Or hand-stitch your own teabags with one leaf apiece.

Unfortunately, while your tea-budget goes down, you end up spending a fortune on thread.

Of course, if you cut your teabags in half, that only halves the costs. If you want to ELIMINATE the cost, stop drinking tea.

Hah! Tea! What’s wrong with drinking lukewarm water?

And boiling the water costs a lot in heating and energy, so another tip – use cold water, and heat it up internally!

Of course, the human body is 37 degrees – so instead of wasting money on heating the water, you can use cold water and just warm the teabags in your armpits.

Of course, cutting your teabags in half only saves money to a certain extent. I prefer just to smash all my teacups – NO TEA FOR ANYONE!

Cutting your teabags in half is not only great for saving money, but also for petty kitchen vandalism.

According to the website, simply reusing your teabag is old hat. Which you can use to save money on hats. / Especially if you’re reusing your teabag as an old hat.

Trouble is, after all that stitching, you really need another cuppa.

Another tip was to get free lemonade at a café by ordering water with lemon and adding sugar. And to make it fizzy, simply fart in it!

Why not avoid paying for lemonade by ordering water with lemon and adding sugar? Or make your own Coke by crapping in it! / Or make your own Coke by mixing water, lemon, sugar and kola beans from your own Brazilian plantation!

Another tip is to save on washing costs by trampling on your underwear in the shower. Alternatively, throw yourself in the washing machine.

Another tip is to save on washing costs by trampling on your underwear in the shower. Because really, if you’ve got no money, you might as well stink like badly-washed undies.

Shower with your underwear to save on washing costs. Or leave yourself and your underwear unwashed and let everyone smell your frugality!

Another tip is to save on washing costs by trampling on your underwear in the shower. How extravagant! REAL scrooges save money by not buying underwear, not washing their clothes, and not showering!

Or combine all three tips: make your own tea by dangling your dirty undies in a cup of shower water, and simply adding sugar!

And a great way to save on food costs is to starve yourself to death!

Or for the ultimate in penny-pinching, why not make your own money? All it takes is paper, texta, and the willingness to spend ten years in prison!

Come on, if these people stopped being so tight, maybe the economy wouldn’t be in such bad shape!

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