Drug-helmet! (GNW 6/7/09: monologue)

An American doctor has invented a device to ease the trauma of sedating children for operations. The “PediSedate” is a helmet connected to a GameBoy or portable CD player that the child can be entertained by while a mouthpiece administers nitrous oxide gas. Of course, it’s not much help to the kids who are scared of being strapped to drug-helmets.

Of course if you can’t afford PediSedate, you can just give them a Gameboy and a regular anaesthetic mask. Oh, hang on, that IS PediSedate.

The PediSedate is the perfect tool for doctors, dentists and paedophiles.

Ah, Pedisedate. It’s the tool of choice for paedophiles!

They called it PediSedate in recognition of their chief audience.

Ooh, ooh – do they make it in adult size?

And of course, it has other uses. You know, sometimes I used to get a bit scared before a show – but not any more!

It’s times like this that I’m so glad I’m no larger than a child. / I have a child-sized head.

Also perfect if you’re having difficulty convincing cream to whip.

The technique is revolutionary – the first time serious anaesthetic technique has been combined with cheap flimsy plastic!

The helmet carefully monitors the child’s respiration, oxygenation, and top scores.

The helmet carefully measures the child’s response. If they’re continuing to complete levels, it ups the dose. / it presumes they aren’t unconscious.

The inventors say it’s great because it allows anaesthetic to be administered by less skilled personnel. All you need is the helmet, and the desire to render children unconscious.

At last children can be sedated pleasantly, without trauma or trained professionals.

It’s Rohypnol for the iPod generation!

It’s about time child abuse was made fun for the child too.

Finally, we can get our kids addicted to gaming and drugs at the same time!

They’re also working on an adult version, to put the fun back into date rape.

It’s like a Wii that makes you go WEEEEE!

Of course, we do risk creating a generation of kids that are not only addicted to gaming and drugs, but are obsessed with getting their teeth drilled.

Sure beats the old days when you had to try to distract your kid from their excruciating surgery with a nip of sherry and Donkey Kong.

Poorer hospitals will have to continue trying to distract kids with a Gameboy while they remove their brain tumours. / giving kids a jigsaw to distract them while they amputate their leg.

The helmet measures the child’s respiration, oxygenation, and top scores – so doctors can track how well the brain surgery is going.

Of course it’s unlikely to be usable by the general public, as access to nitrous oxide is strictly only available to medical practitioners and cream-whippers.

There are fears that parents may use the helmet to calm their children, but as nitrous oxide is only available in large quantities in medical facilities, the fear is probably unfounded – parents would have to use pesticide.

Great – the kids get a special toy dispenser of nitrous oxide, while us parents have to keep relying on alcohol, codeine, pseudoephedrine, pot, speed and cocaine.

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