Australians are getting fatter, drunker, and unhealthier. Still, like my mum always said, it’s what’s inside that counts. If this continues, Australians will be dying off younger and younger. Which not only helps with the “aging population” problem, but also the OVERpopulation problem. Australians are getting fatter, drunker, and unhealthier. Well, that’s what happens when […]
Month: May 2009
NASA is sending seven astronauts on its most dangerous ever shuttle mission to upgrade the Hubble Space Telescope. And shuttle missions are deadly enough when they don’t have to do anything. NASA says this is a very dangerous shuttle mission. As opposed to the nice safe missions that occasionally explode. NASA says the shuttle mission […]
Gold Coast man has rescued a kangaroo caught in a surf-rip. Lucky he caught him, or the kanga was rooted. The roo was just wanting to hang six. He would’ve rescued it straight away, but he had to go home to get his surfboard, his video camera, and the contact number for Today Tonight. Of […]
A networking and dating web site has been set up for people who have IQs in the top 15% of the population. Well, duh. / Anyone could’ve thought of that. Because your best bet for a wild and passionate love-affair is hooking up with a bunch of people who can play Scrabble in their heads. […]
A US expert on alcohol abuse says that alcohol can trick young drinkers into associating experiences like vomiting and car accidents with pleasure. But then pissed teens are ridiculously easy to fool. / Wow, pissed teenagers are even more gullible than I thought. / And very canny alcohol can even convince them to buy bridges […]
Al Qaida is trying to appeal to Western youth with a rap song. It’s easy – just change “hoes” to “virgins”, “gat” to “rocket launcher”, and “bling” to “all-conquering nation of Islam”, and it pretty much writes itself. (turntable) Jikki-jikki-jikki-jikki-jihad! It’s da BOMB! (Although not in the sense of being good, more in the sense […]
Retired history teacher Geoff Ostling has pledged to donate his entire tattooed skin as a work of art. It’ll be perfect for a tattooseum. That’s right, tattooseum. I just made that up. They’ll take the skin off him once they club him to death on the ice floes. It’s just their way. The gallery has […]
Tues, May 19 The Pussycat Dolls begin their Australian tour tomorrow. Doncha wish they wouldn’t. / I couldn’t give a BEEP! The Pussycat Dolls begin their Australian tour tomorrow. Followed by the tour of The Raging Feminists. The Pussycat Dolls begin their Australian tour tomorrow, and, under attack for using sexist innuendo, change their name […]
Federal Police Commissioner Mick Keelty has told a national security conference that the economic crisis might overtake terrorism as the main threat to Australia. The cops have particularly got their eye on a mysterious man by the name of Econo bank Laden… / They really want to get their hands on Osama That Money. Federal […]
Hooray – it’s Budget time! Just when we were getting used to the government throwing money at us, they’re going to try to claw it all back. The government desperately needs to generate new sources of revenue. Pimping out Swannie just ain’t working. At least there’s a positive side to living in a global recession […]