Octo-Mel (GNW 9/11/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

November 16th, 2009

Mel Gibson’s new fiancée has given birth to his eighth child, which Gibson has already said makes him “Octo-Mel”. Yes, Octo-Mel, spreading his childish tentacles out into the world to capture Jews!

He ended up with a baby girl. So this one’s not the messiah – maybe next time.

He really wanted to father the Messiah – but he’ll settle for Antichrist.

It’s either a reference to octuplet-mother Octomum, or to Spiderman’s nemesis Dr Octopus, and I’m certainly hoping the latter. Stomping through the city, lasering Jews… / It would certainly make his next drink-driving offence entertaining. / And if you’ve ever been drunk in charge of mechanical-tentacles you’d know why he’d be keen.

Appropriately, Octo-Mel has eight children, so he can hold one in each tentacle.

Mel’s career’s obviously been going so badly that he hopes he can get his own Octomum-style reality series.

Mel understandably feels like Octomum. She was almost as reviled as him.

Gibson is engaged to Russian singer Oksana Grigorieva. So he says the new baby is only a pseudo-bastard.

Gibson is engaged to the mother, Russian singer Oksana Grigorieva. But he says God isn’t as hung up on married parents as everyone else reckons.

He said “I guess that makes me Octo-Mel”. See, he’s no less of a talentless dickhead sober.

Mel Gibson has fathered a bouncing baby girl. She’s young enough to be his daughter, just like her mother.

He’s certain the baby is his – it’s a foul-mouthed drunken anti-semite.

They called the girl ‘Lucia’, after the mysterious horned stranger who helped Mel fund ‘The Passion of the Christ’.

Gibson was a little surprised to see Oksana give birth to a girl. He was on such a bender, he wasn’t even sure they’d had sex.

Lucia was born a few weeks premature, but that’s because the doctors were all Jews.

He may be Octo-Mel now, but if he has any more kids he’ll have to become Mel Squidson.

He only looks like he has four limbs, but the other four are already flailing about in Heaven, hunting for Jews that got there by accident.

Mel’s proven that building your own church and releasing a three-hour Passion in Aramaic doesn’t stop you fathering a heathen bastard.

Mel realises that having a child out of wedlock with a divorce still unfinalised is not all that holy. Let’s just hope he doesn’t make another Aramaic film as penance. / But then he can always build more churches.

Eight children! Mel’s just proving what he’s always believed – that he is the almighty father.

Oil stops burning (GNW 9/11/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

November 16th, 2009

The oil leak and fireball at the West Atlas drill rig has been stopped, 10 weeks after it started in the Timor Sea. But government sources say it’ll require some more permanent work before we can settle Sri Lankan refugees there.

The government wasn’t that pleased that the fire was stopped, as it took away the “roasting alive” option for the refugees on the Oceanic Viking.

Firefighters have been working around the clock. Luckily, there was plenty of midnight oil to burn.

Pah. 10 weeks… that’s nothing in geologic terms!

It’s an environmental disaster. Where are we going to get the oil from now?

But it has completely solved the Timor Sea’s peak oil problem.

Sweet light crude oil has been pouring out of the rig since August. It’s nearly time to add the garlic!

Sweet light crude oil has been pouring out of the rig since August, and, now the fire’s out, it’s time to add the mushrooms.

They just couldn’t seem to put out the fire. That fireblanket just wasn’t working.

There was no way to put out the fire. After all, where were they going to get water out there?

They’ve plugged the pipeline with 3 and a half thousand barrels of mud. Things have never been so good for mud-barrel-retailers! / stockists of mud-barrels. / “Mud Barrels R Us”. / “High-Density Mud Barrels R Us”.

The owners of the rig pumped 3400 barrels of high-density mud into the broken pipeline. Which was an absolute boon for the company who’d been sitting on 3400 barrels of high-density mud. / It was a record sale for the high-density mud company.

The pipeline was plugged with 3400 barrels of high-density mud. Unfortunately now they’ve got nothing left to plug the leak in the mud pipeline.

They would have stopped the leak sooner, but it took ages to get all that high-density mud into barrels.

They would have stopped the leak sooner, but it’s not as easy as you’d think to lay your hand on three and a half thousand barrels of high-density mud.

Whenever I have a problem, I just cover it with 3 and a half thousand barrels of mud. Don’t you?

And if mud didn’t work, they were going to try using compost.

They’re continuing to pump mud and brine into the pipeline. Gotta do something with all that mud and brine, huh.

They’re just lucky the oil-riggers didn’t like the cook’s “Mud in Brine Surprise”.

With 10 weeks’ worth of sweet light oil now spilt into the sea, we just need to pour some batter in and we’ll have years’ worth of food for stranded refugees.

On the downside, it’s an environmental disaster. But on the upside, those nachos should be done by now. / their baked potatoes will be ready for SURE.

Spokesmen say that the amount of oil that has leaked out is really a drop in the ocean. A toxic, deadly, pollution-causing drop in the sad, sad ocean.

Obamaversary (GNW 9/11/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

November 16th, 2009

It’s a year since the election of Barack Obama. What a disappointment – America voted for change, and yet he’s still there!

Well, he was elected on a platform of “Hope”. And the moment you do something, it crushes the hope right out of it.

Well, he was elected on a platform of “Hope”. As for actual changes, well, we can still hope.

He’s fulfilled all his promises. In one single year, he’s managed to consistently and uncompromisingly not be George W Bush.

It’s been a year, and he’s STILL the USA’s first black president.

Well he came to office promising change, and that’s all that’s left in the Treasury.

There has been a global financial crisis on. So it’s understandable that all Obama’s been able to deliver is small change.

He promised change, and that’s why, the moment he was elected, he changed. / he changed into a banker-bailing, warmongering pro-spying, anti-press-freedom reptile.

Sure, he hasn’t achieved much. But there’s only so much you can do when you’re a figurehead puppet being manipulated from behind the scenes by oil billionaires, powerful religious nuts, and secret cabals of pure evil.

It’s been a year full of accomplishments. For starters, he’s managed to win the Nobel Peace Prize! Actually, that’s about it.

Sure, there’s been little to no change in Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Middle-East peace, the financial crisis, unemployment, healthcare or climate change. But give him a few more awards and he’ll really be motivated to look into trying very hard to consider thinking about fixing something.

Sure, there’s been little to no change in Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Middle-East peace, the financial crisis, unemployment, healthcare or climate change. But his kids do have that nice new puppy.

Sure, there’s been little to no progress on Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Middle-East peace, the financial crisis, unemployment, healthcare or climate change. But the point is, do we have change we can believe in? Yes we do!

Sure, by all practical measures it appears that Obama hasn’t achieved much. But then all he promised was vague platitudes – and he’s been kicking arse at them!

Sure, Guantanamo’s still running, Iraq and Afghanistan are still ruined hellholes, Iran is still developing its nuclear program, and China is still getting ready to take over the entire world. But he sure sorted out that Kanye West situation, huh?

The US economy is still faring poorly, but Obama promises he can get it back in shape. He knows some brothers who can get their hands on some quality rock.

Sure, he hasn’t achieved much politically, but he and Michelle have christened every room in the White House.

Sure, he hasn’t achieved much. But what have YOU done, huh?

Sure, he hasn’t achieved much, but he’s barely started any wars at all. (So he’s still ahead of Dubya.)

Sure, he hasn’t ended any wars, but at least he hasn’t started any.

Sure, he hasn’t addressed any of the major problems that he was elected to deal with. But he has made incompetent and corrupt bankers much richer. That’s change right there!

I tell you what, being President looked much easier from the outside.

Turns out being President is even difficult if you’re competent.

Sure, he hasn’t achieved much politically, but he had a great time on Hey Hey It’s Saturday.

Chinese Disney (GNW 9/11/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

November 16th, 2009

Disney has won approval to construct a Disneyland-style theme park in Shanghai. There have been some minor changes. For instance, Mickey has been renamed Puny Western Mouse.

All the classic Disney icons will still be there, but in slightly different forms. For instance, Mickey is a member of the government, Donald is in the military, and Goofy is in the black bean sauce.

Everyone’s looking forward to seeing Mickey Mao.

Finally, the ruthless saccharine capitalism of Disney, meets the stiff anti-human repression of modern China. It’s a corporate executive’s wet dream!

Can’t wait to ride on the ‘Roller Coaster of East-West Relations’, the ‘Economic Big Dipper’, and the ‘Tunnel of Governmental Culpability’.

And because of the one-child policy, there won’t be too many pesky children hogging all the rides!

In Chinese Disneyworld, there’s no Huey, Dewy and Louie ducks, there’s only Huey. It’s the one-child policy.

And their rides all have a one-child policy.

Hear the screams of delight as children enjoy the rides, and the other screams Chinese Disneyworld don’t like to talk about.

There’s something for everyone, as long as you’re not Tibetan, Falun Gong, or Rio Tinto.

There’s going to be some great rides. I’m really looking forward to “Steal The Organs From The Falun Gong Member” – it’s a real hoot!

And there’s no shortage of people to work in those oversized character-costumes. It’s better than solitary confinement!

Of course the giant characters won’t be able to talk. They’ve had their tongues removed.

Those Mickey and Donald costumes are the perfect way to keep their Tibetan prisoners silent. / are the perfect job for monks with their tongues removed.

Unfortunately Pluto and Goofy keep getting eaten.

It’s going to be fantastic! I’ve always wondered what Donald would taste like in Hoi-Sin. / done Peking-style.

The resort will be one of the largest in the world, and the queues will be record-breaking!

I’m sure the rides will be well worth the four-day queue.

The “It’s a Small World” exhibit is expected to be particularly popular, although to many Chinese people it’s more like medium-sized.

The new Disneyworld will contain Disney classics, but also unique Chinese exhibits and rides, like “Dodgem Protesters”, “The Roller Tanker”, and “Where’s Papa Gone?”

China has aggressively protected itself from such Westernisation to date. But they’ve finally realised that welcoming Disney is the only way to take it over and reverse the propaganda stream.

I don’t know why they’ve resisted so long. After all, Walt Disney was a Nazi.

I don’t know why they’ve resisted Disney so long. Everyone knows Mickey Mouse hates Tibetans.

The Chinese have finally realised that Disney isn’t actually all that subversive. It’s a mouse! And a duck! Who can talk! The Communist Party must be overthrown!

So they’ve finally allowed Disney into China. Now we can just sit back and watch communism collapse!

They’ve also introduced some new characters, like Western Imperialist Pig-Dog.

Plans for Iranian Disneyland are still progressing slowly.

Expensive Mime (GNW 9/11/09: Warren)

November 16th, 2009

Australians are paying up to $1500 for tickets to see Britney Spears mime. She’ll be doing all her hits, like “Oops!… I’m Walking Against The Wind” and “If You Seek The Exit To This Glass Box That Would Be Very Helpful”.

People don’t mind seeing her mime. In fact, one of the chief attractions of the concert is her new song “Escaping From A Glass Box And Walking Against A Very Strong Wind”.

Australians are paying up to $1500 for tickets to see Britney Spears mime. She’ll be doing all her hits, like “Oops!… I Did it A Something Something” and “Something Toxic Something Something”.

Australians are paying up to $1500 for tickets to see Britney Spears mime. It seems expensive, but it’s only Monopoly money. / It’d be really quite expensive, if it was in real money.

But people don’t see Britney for her singing. They see her for the slim chance she’ll fall off something and die.

But people don’t see Britney for her singing. They see her for the chance to glimpse her sweating minge.

But seeing Britney for her singing ability is like buying Anal Farmyard Dwarves for the articles.

I’ve heard Britney sing. And I’d definitely prefer it if she mimes.

But if she’s going to mime, why can’t it be to Billie Holiday? / Joni Mitchell?

A lot of her crowd are happy for her to focus on her dancing and theatrics. In fact they’d happily lose the music altogether.

A Britney show is all about the costumes, the lights, the exuberance. It’s basically a really expensive night of drag karaoke.

Apparently minders have also employed Britney look-alikes to fool paparazzi. But smart photographers know that, if they’re convincing enough to fool the paparazzi, then they’ll be convincing enough to fool the people who buy Who Weekly.

To escape the paparazzi, Britney’s employed look-alike decoys at airports. It’s easy to spot the look-alikes though – they can actually sing.

To escape the paparazzi, Britney’s employed look-alike decoys at airports. Which is fantastic, because you can see them mime her songs for a fraction of the price.

But given that she’s not singing and she’s bringing out look-alikes, how do we know it’s Britney on-stage at all? In fact how do we know that Britney’s not back in the Hollywood Hills, looking like Jabba the Hutt?

Now that everyone expects Britney to mime, it makes the one or two moments of genuine singing all the more exciting!

But it’s not like audiences are being fooled. After all, it’s real mime. / the miming is 100% genuine.

There’s plenty of merchandise too. Well, it’s other people’s merchandise with a picture of Britney glued over the top.

Of course, it’s a dead giveaway when she speaks. She’s actually got a gravelly baritone. / (deep gravelly death-growl) “Thank you Australia!”

Back in the day, we crucified Betty Boo and Milli Vanilli for miming. But Britney’s so much hotter.

Apparently Aussies don’t even mind if she fakes her orgasms.

Fans don’t mind seeing her miming, but they draw the line at her card tricks. / juggling.

Of course, if you can’t afford the 1500 bucks, you can always dress up and mime to her songs yourself. That way, you can also grope yourself backstage after the show.

The “Circus” tour has already drawn criticism for its cruelty to animals. Although they prefer to be called ‘security guards’.

PMS(L) (GNW 9/11/09: Warren)

November 16th, 2009

A new study is suggesting that there could be a secret weapon in combating pre-menstrual stress: men! That must explain why men never get it!

A new study is suggesting that there could be a secret weapon in combating pre-menstrual stress: men! And here we were thinking we were the cause of it.

Traditonally, men have just made themseves scarce when PMS rears its ugly head, but apparently, they might actually be able to help instead. Admittedly, mostly by just making themselves scarce.

Apparently men can help just by being supportive and understanding. Sorry ladies – looks like you’re on your own. / Like that’s gunna happen!

Unfortunately now if you’re suffering bad PMS, you’ll probably think your partner isn’t supporting you enough… this research just makes everything worse!

Apparently men can help just by being supportive and understanding. And women can help by just shutting the hell up. / Conversely, female partners can be helpful in combating men’s monthly headaches, simply by shutting the hell up.

A lack of support from partners during PMS can result in a “pressure-cooker effect”. And the one thing you don’t want right before your period is to blow a valve.

But for single women the cure for PMS remains the same as before – a sex-change. (That way you can be your own bloke!)

Of course men can already help women with PMS. It’s called the “punching bag effect”. / They can just shut up and take the abuse. It’s very cathartic!

Of course, before they start helping with PMS pain, it might be nice if they occasionally did the dishes.

Of course, many feminists suggest that the whole concept of PMS is yet another piece of patriarchal oppression stereotyping women as hormonal rather than intellectual, subtley but insidiously devaluing and dismissing women and their opinions – but they were just on the rag. / but they’re clearly the ravings of someone who’s hysterical. / but that’s clearly just PMS.

It’s obvious! When was the last time you heard of a man with PMS?

PMS often manifests as irritation or crankiness with their partners. It’s nature’s way of forcing you to seeing the pricks they really are.

Unfortunately for women, the pain of PMS can force them to see what a useless misogynistic retard their bloke really is.

Oh great. As if we didn’t already have enough problems dealing with our partners’ PMS, now we have to CURE it.

And if men don’t cure their partner’s PMS, they’ll really cop it.

And for single women, I guess the best cure for PMS is to fling yourself at the nearest bloke and hope they’re sympathetic.

There already is a cure for PMS. It’s called menopause.

Not only might men be the cure of most PMS, but also the cause.

Apparently it’s the little things men can do that make all the difference. For instance, telling their partners they should just shut up and do the dishes, isn’t so helpful.

Apparently it’s the little things men can do that make all the difference. Like not being a stupid piece of shit arsehole.

Apparently it’s the little things men can do that make all the difference. Like being able to read her MIND.

Of course, the best thing a man can do to help a woman suffering PMS is DIE. / is SHUT UP AND DIE. / is GO TO HELL.

Then again, I’d be pretty pissed off too if every month I was bleeding from the twat. / crotch.

Anger, irritability, depression, and tension are common parts of the PMS rollercoaster – and apparently it’s quite hard on the sheilas too.

But what women are really looking for is a bit of empathy. And the best way for blokes to achieve that is to chop off their cocks. (Then we’ll finally understand what it’s like to have “women’s problems”. / a bit of blood “down there”.)

But what women are really looking for is a bit of empathy. Which is why when they have PMS, they keep threatening to chop off your cock.

But the research just gives women another reason to be cranky with their husbands. “You’re not curing me quickly enough!”

Not only might men be the cure for PMS, but SMS, PNG and FU2.

But if you really want a supportive, empathic partner during that time of the month, turn lesbian. / simply be a lesbian.

Of course, whenever my partner gets PMS, I PMSL. / Of course, the worst thing you can do when your partner gets PMS is to PMSL.

Of course, the worst thing you can do when your partner gets PMS is to LOL.

Drunk Driving Breathalyser (GNW 9/11/09: So You Think You Can Mime)

November 16th, 2009

In Ohio, an 18-year-old who went to a Halloween costume dressed as a breathalyser, was arrested for drink-driving. It’s what’s known as asking for trouble.

James Miller blew 0.158, but he said it was unfair, as he was only reading 0.02.

The man’s blood alcohol level was three times the legal limit. Clearly, a bunch of very drunk people had been blowing into him all night.

He was so drunk he didn’t realise he was wearing a costume – he actually thought he was a breathalyser.

He wouldn’t have drunk nearly so much if he’d known his readout was broken.

So he obviously had no luck with his cunning plan of swapping places with the actual breathalyser.

Turns out he had a very good idea of what was scary at Halloween.

Police suspected he was drunk when they found him driving the wrong way down a one-way street. And were even more sure when they asked him to blow into the straw and he replied “Oh yeah? You blow into THIS straw!”

When the cops asked him to blow into their bag, he asked them to blow into his. And that’s why he got an extra charge.

They’re just lucky he didn’t dress as a beer. / He’s just lucky he didn’t dress as a beer, or he’d be in a coma.

They let him go when it turned out that he wasn’t drunk-driving at all. It was a couple of mates dressed as a speeding car.

He wasn’t drunk – that dangerous driving was just part of the costume.

As far as dress-ups go, he said he was strictly a method-actor.

He wasn’t drunk – he was just dressed up as a drunk person, who was dressed up as a breathalyser, who was dressed up as a hooning car! It’s all a big misunderstanding!

Turned out the cops were actually just dressed up as policemen! Unfortunately for Mr Breathalyser, they were also actual policemen.

Weirdly enough, the cops who pulled him over were dressed as 2 dozen beers.

His choice of costume suggests he clearly intended on becoming very very very drunk that evening. Unless he just happened to go to the costume shop and all they had left was a giant breathalyser costume.

Turns out it wasn’t a costume at all. The cops had just taken too much Halloween acid.

He wore the costume just to see how many chicks he could get to blow into his nozzle. / wrap their lips around his inflation tube.

A breathalyser was an unusual Halloween costume, but he’s long been haunted by them.

Police were certainly scared by his costume. The breathalyser coming to life is one of their worst nightmares.

He’s only chose the costume after what happened last Halloween, when he got pulled over by a vampire. / a gruesome ghoul.

That settles it. Next year he’s going as a hot chick. (In the hope he’ll end up blowing into her.)

CPR Dog (GNW 9/11/09: So You Think You Can Mime)

November 16th, 2009

The RSPCA animal achievement award has been given to a Queensland dog who thumped her owner’s chest to rouse him after he’d suffered a massive heart attack. Jim Touzeau doesn’t know if he was actually resuscitated, or just frightened back to life.

Sure, the CPR helped, but what really brought him round was the mouth to mouth.

The dog was very pleased to receive the medal, and immediately buried it in the backyard.

The dog was very pleased to receive the medal, and immediately put it in the cabinet next to its silver Logie and its Nobel Peace Prize.

Of course the dog wasn’t actually trying to revive the man – he was tenderising him.

The RSPCA animal achievement award has been given to a Queensland dog who thumped her owner’s chest to rouse him after he’d suffered a massive heart attack. Although the award was actually given for her research paper. / Although the award was actually given for her work on the enzymatic mechanism underlying the biosynthesis of adenosine triphosphate.

It wasn’t just the canine CPR that was remarkable, but the fact that she was barking “Stat!” / “Clear!”

It wasn’t just the canine CPR that was remarkable, but the fact she drove the ambulance. / operated the defibrillator.

The dog as actually just being selfish. She needs someone to throw the stick. / Sticks don’t throw themselves, you know. / But once she masters the can-opener, he’s history.

Canine CPR isn’t that big a leap. After all, they love giving mouth-to-mouth.

To make sure her owner was revived, cattle dog Teka followed up her CPR with a quick burst of mouth-to-arse.

Of course the dog wasn’t actually trying to revive the man – it was just time for walkies.

Teka was given an achievement award and has been nominated for a Purple Cross medal. Because if there’s one thing a dog really appreciates, it’s an inedible hunk of metal.

The dog helped revive him by pounding on his chest with its paws, barking loudly into his face, and cracking him open to devour his delicious marrow.

The dog has received an achievement award and has been nominated for a Purple Cross medal, while the ambulance officers who helped him have received a big juicy bone.

It’s the first recorded instance of CPArf.

Unfortunately Teka completely screwed up the tourniquet.

Of course, if he hadn’t’ve woken up, Teka would’ve just taken him and buried him for later.

Teka was awarded both the RSPCA’s animal achievement award, and her first aid badge for doggy scouts.

Now if she can just get her sling-tying skills sorted out, she’ll finally get her First Aid certificate.

Teka was awarded the RSPCA’s animal achievement award, which she accepted gratefully by pissing on it.

It wasn’t really that heroic. She was just playing corpse-trampoline. / She just loves playing corpse-jump.

Teka was awarded the RSPCA’s prestigous animal achievement award. It’s a bone with a bit of ribbon tied to it.

Ph. Animal achievement awards. They’re just patronising, aren’t they boy? Yes they are, yes they are…

Ph. Animal achievement awards. Can’t compete with proper people eh?

Teka was very pleased with the medal. Now she’s trying to work out a way to get master to collapse again.

Hobo Chic (GNW 9/11/09: Strange But True)

November 16th, 2009

The newest fashion trend? Hobo chic! It’s like grunge, but smeared with crap!

One designer says sometimes he sees a homeless personal “and they’ll just look so good. Or you see a little old lady and she looks awesome ‘cause she’s got something going on, you know?” Yeah, I know. She’s got poverty going on, you heartless creep.

The best thing about basing designs on the homeless is that they never chase you for royalties.

That explains the signs I’ve been seeing lately: “Will Design High-End Fashion For Food”.

Many of the homeless have now gotten jobs in design houses, and then, finally able to afford new clothes, were fired.

The designers say they’re helping the homeless. It’s really upping the value of their piss-stained threads.

Looking forward to the pre-pissed-on range. / new range of ready-to-piss-ins.

Squeegees are the new accessories of choice.

All the fashions are modelled on a stray catwalk. / alleycatwalk.

Now, it’s tres cool to mutter incomprehensibly while you piss yourself in the street, daahling.

Pissing yourself in the street has never been so popular.

These designers just love the homeless look. I’m just not sure if it’s the piss, the vomit, or just the look of hopeless despair in their eyes.

But with ripped and threadbare clothing being de rigueur, real homeless people will now have to make do with silk and satin.

Fortunately it means that anyone can be fashionable, just by knocking over a Brotherhood bin.

Fashionistas say the main problem with homeless people is that they are often seen wearing the same outfit – so embarrassing!

Of course accessories are also cheap – all you really need is a bottle and a few random tufts of hair.

The fashion industry love the homeless look. It’s got all the impractical discomfort of high-fashion, and yet people actually wear it!

The designers say that, if they lost their mansions and yachts and chalets, they’d probably really LOVE being homeless. / being homeless would be just soooo awesome.

The designers insist that it’s not such a big deal to be homeless. You can just sleep in your yacht.

Sure, you can wear the clothes, but the only way to get that awesome cloud of flies is to actually shit yourself.

Of course, actual homeless people aren’t offended at all. It’s the one time when they’re in fashion! / they can afford to wear the latest styles!

Shit-stains are the new black! Or is it blood? When a stain is that old it’s so hard to tell.

There’s never been a better reason to turf fashion designers out into the street. They can live the dream!

Homeless people have suggested that they’d be very willing to part with their elegant designer garments for a HOME.

Of course, no-one has yet seen the new fashions, because, as we all know, homeless people are totally invisible.

Malaysian Romance (GNW 9/11/09: Strange But True)

November 16th, 2009

A Malaysian state government is so concerned about rising divorce rates that they are offering classes on how to stay together. Step one: don’t get divorced. Step two: shut up and like it.

A Malaysian state government is offering romance classes to help Muslim couples stay together. Is that a Lumpur in your Kuala or are you just glad to see me?

Apparently the trouble with Muslim couples is they never pork.

Wives will get tips on using perfume and wearing lingerie, and husbands will get tips on opening their fists.

The only problem with Muslim lingerie is that it’s full-body.

Married couples will be encouraged to bathe together. And if that goes well, possibly even have sex!

Women should wear perfume and husbands should reduce body odour. Because clearly the main problem with Malaysians is that they stink. / Because Malaysians STINK.

The tips include recommending that women wear lingerie to bed to spice up their sex lives. Unfortunately, escaping their responsibilities in the bedroom was the only thing keeping a lot of these women sane. / keeping these women from divorcing the misogynist brutes in the first place.

And please, shave off that enormous beard, ladies.

Malaysian husbands and wives should both address their body odour. It might not save their marriages, but at least the whole place won’t stink of Nasi Goreng.

Image consultants will provide tips for how wives can keep themselves attractive, and tips for how men can keep themselves misogynist and beardy.

Of course, the best way the government can reduce divorce rates is to scrap divorce. DONE!

Husbands are advised to wear clean pyjamas. Flannel – it’s like lingerie for women. / Because nothing makes a woman feel more secure in their marriage than hubby in his jim-jams.

Husbands are advised to reduce their body odour, and wear pyjamas that are clean, and preferably ironed. That should emasculate them sufficiently. / That ought to stop them from straying, at least.

The marriage consultants recommend husbands and wives bathe together. And if that goes well, she can try taking off the burkha.

It’s either get some perfume and lingerie, or foster mutual respect and dialogue as equals. But what KIND of perfume?

Hopefully a little bit of perfume and lingerie should stop women being objectified.

al-Qaeda’s going to try it too – their marriages keep blowing apart.

Good Next Week (GNW 9/11/09: closing)

November 16th, 2009

Tuesday, November 10
In Canberra, Education Minister Julia Gillard will host the National Principals’ Forum, to discuss the problems & challenges facing Australian schools. The main one seems to be getting the kids to learn stuff.

The Big Aussie Swap: As part of National Recycling Week, events will be held around the country where people can swap items they no longer want. Sydney is looking for anyone who’s willing to make a trade for Kyle Sandilands. Anything accepted.

The Big Aussie Swap: As part of National Recycling Week, events will be held around the country where people can swap items they no longer want. I’ll be taking any offers for Mikey.

In Sydney, there’ll be a great debate on “Do Too Many People Go To University?” Who will win, the negative or the yeah-atives?

In Sydney, Tuesday will see the great debate arguing whether “Too Many People Go To University?” The question will be debated by a bunch of toffy rich white kids, and really, who gives a shit what they decide the answer is.

Wednesday, November 11
Don’t forget, Wednesday is Whatsaname Day.

Jakarta Fashion Week will attract a whole new kind of fashion photgrapher – the Jakartarazzi.

Jakarta Fashion Week may feature a whole new range of Sri Lankan threads. Or not.

World Cyber Games will begin in Chengdu, or at least, at chengdu.com.

World Cyber Games will begin in Chengdu on Wednesday. Well, virtually.

On Wednesday, the World Cyber Games will begin in Chengdu. Well, in a holgrammatic representation of Chengdu, made of pure information.

In Sydney, it’s the Qantas Spirit of Youth Awards, and as usual it’s being conducted by ouija board. / I wonder which dead child will win?

Wednesday sees the Spirit of Youth awards. If they capture it, they can finally refill the fountain!

Wednesday’s “Spirit Of Youth awards” in Sydney will be followed by the “Spirit of Youch awards” when someone drops the trophies on their feet.

Wednesday’s “Spirit of Youth Awards” in Sydney will be followed by the “Spirit of Middle Age Awards”, the “Spirit of Old Age Awards”, and the “Spirit… Awards”.

Wednesday’s Spirit of Youth Awards will be won by an ineffable wisp of nothingness.

The Qantas Spirit of Youth Awards will be given to whichever young person is willing to go down into the baggage hold and fix the hole.

Domino’s Pizza will launch their iPhone app. They say you can “experience ordering of the future”, which will explain why the pizzas will be late.

On Wednesday, Domino’s Pizza will launch their iPhone app. They say you can “experience ordering of the future”… Clearly, the future will be pretty much like next Wednesday. / Clearly, by “the future”, they mean “Wednesday”.

Domino’s Pizza will launch their iPhone app, which they say is the “ordering of the future”. You mean in the future you’ll be able to order pizza using a PHONE? Amazing!

In Sydney, Nickelback will kick off their Australian tour on Wednesday by playing songs at a variety of venues. Just thought you might like to know.

In Sydney, Nickelback will kick off their Australian tour. Hooray! Bogans will be able to see some rock stars under 50!

Hobart will host the National Congress on Environmental Health on Wednesday. Apparently we’ve moved the environment to a nice hospice, where I hear the nurses are lovely.

Hobart will host the National Congress on Environmental Health on Wednesday. Apparently we’re going to have to get it put down.

Hobart will host the National Congress on Environmental Health, and environmental health experts from across the country will wish they were living in Tassie.

Hobart will host the National Congress on Environmental Health, where the nation’s environmental health experts will be inspired by the Tassie wilderness to join in congress.

Demi Moore will turn 47, and should make the most of it – Ashton won’t be less than two-thirds of her age for much longer.

Thursday, November 12
In Melbourne on Thursday, the Telstra Women’s Business Awards will promise to give the major gong to Therese Rein if Kevin agrees not to carve their poor little company up.

On Thursday, it’s the Telstra Women’s Business Awards are being held in Melbourne, followed by the Telstra Secret Women’s Business Awards. I’ve got no idea where they’re being held.

In Melbourne, Tiger Woods will be appearing at the Australian Masters tournament. Didn’t know he was so old.

And seniors who think the Australian Masters golf tournament is for them will get their arses caned by Tiger Woods.

In Sydney, the Australian Privacy Awards will be overwhelmingly dominated by Name Withheld.

In Sydney, it’s the Australian Privacy Awards – I’ve got no idea where they’re being held, and frankly it’s none of your business. / and frankly, I wish you’d stop asking.

In Brisbane, the Commonwealth Bank will hold their annual general meeting, where they’ll just rub their scaly hands and cackle.

Friday, November 13
Friday’s Australasian Dirt Bike Awards will be ruined when a rainstorm turns all the dirt bikes to mud.

Friday’s Australasian Dirt Bike Awards will be ruined by gangs of feuding dirt bikies.

Friday’s Australasian Dirt Bike Awards will this year be amalgamated with the Filth Trike Awards, the Murk Wagon Championships, and the Battle of the Bog Trolleys.

In Melbourne, it’s the Nickelodeon Australian Kids’ Choice Awards. The winners will be sleepovers and chocolate ice-cream!

In Melbourne, it’s the Nickelodeon Australian Kids’ Choice Awards, dubbed “the biggest kids’ party on the planet”. Not counting Corey Worthington’s.

On the Gold Coast, it’s the Queensland Tourism Conference & Awards. Winner gets a pint and a stuffed cane toad!

On the Gold Coast, it’s the Queensland Tourism Conference & Awards, which they always try to sneak in before schoolies.

On the Gold Coast, it’s the Queensland Tourism Conference & Awards, after which a few delegates will hang around for a bit of schoolies action.

John Mayer will release his new album, proving that no massive quantities of cash can cure his blues.

Powderfinger will release their new album, “Inexplicably Popular”.

Powderfinger will release their new album, “Pull my Powderfinger”. Should be a real breath of fresh air.

Saturday, November 14
Saturday is World Diabetes Day, but don’t get too excited. We don’t want to raise your blood sugar levels.

Saturday is World Diabetes Day. Should be sweet – but it isn’t allowed to be.

APEC will be meeting in Singapore, which should suit Ruddy’s anal retentiveness.

Saturday’s APEC summit in Singapore will see delegates quickly work out their respective levels of power, or as it’s known “APEC-ing Order”.

Saturday’s “A Day At The Park” music festival in Cronulla will go a lot better than their “A Day At The Beach” multicultural festival.

There’s a music festival called “A Day At The Park”, in Cronulla. Glass bottles will be not just allowed, but provided.

In Toronto, it’s the World Rock Paper Scissors championships. Those who have made it this far either have ESP or really scary fists.

Forbes Magazine will release their list of the world’s most powerful people. I guess Barack Obama will win this one too.

Sunday, November 15
In Perth, it’s the Yoga Aid Challenge. Hundreds of people will gather at sunrise to perform 108 sun salutations in 108 minutes to raise money for charity. 108 is a sacred and magical number. It just is, ok?

The report on the performance of public & private hospitals is due on Sunday, and is expected to be fully sick.

Monday, November 16
On Monday, the Victorian Tourism Awards will be held in Melbourne. Now that’s an award that really gets you places.

On Monday, Canberra will host the 2009 conference on Australia’s Welfare. Apparently it’s this cool thing where you can get money without doing any work!

On Monday, Canberra will host the 2009 conference on Australia’s Welfare. Talks include “How to Fake Your Dole Diary” and “Looking for Work, Looking for Shmerk”.

In Canberra, the inquiry into the welfare of international students will report that it could be worse – they could be asylum seekers.

On Monday, the inquiry into the welfare of international students will report “run for your lives!” / “get out while you still can!”

On Monday, the inquiry into the welfare of international students will report that as long as their money’s pouring in, everything’s just fine!

Psychic John Edward will bring his tour to Adelaide, where he’ll speak to a barrel-load of people.

On Monday, psychic John Edward will bring his tour to Adelaide, while his physical body remains in Sydney.

On Monday, psychic John Edward will bring his tour to Adelaide – the perfect place to go if you’re hoping to talk to the dead.

Married… with bin Laden (GNW 2/11/09: monologue)

November 13th, 2009

Osama bin Laden’s first wife has written a book about life with the al-Qaeda leader. bin Laden is described as a tyrant who trained his own children to be suicide bombers and murdered their pets. But he did have a softer side – he just loved to slaughter Jews. / he just loved to cuddle up for a four-wife orgy. / every year, he’d bring each of his children a Jew-head on a stick. / every year, he’d sit down with the kids and they’d laugh and sing and play ‘decapitate the US soldier’. / and play ‘pass the Jew-head’.

On one camping trip to Sudan’s desert, he found an isolated spot and ordered his sons to dig ditches and lie in them, with only dirt for warmth. Seems cruel, but then we still haven’t found them.

On one camping trip to Sudan’s desert, he found an isolated spot and ordered his sons to dig ditches and lie in them, with only dirt for warmth. It’s Cubs, bin Laden style. / But what else are you going to do on Ditch-warmth Tuesday? / And that’s the last time the kids forgot to pack the tents.

On one camping trip to Sudan’s desert, he found an isolated spot and ordered his sons to dig ditches and lie in them, with only dirt for warmth. What do you expect? The man lives in a CAVE. / But, for someone who lives in a desert cave, that’d be like relaxing into a spa bath.

And if any of the kids misbehaved, he flew a plane into them. / signed them up for flying lessons.

It’s just one more way Osama’s opposed to the West. These days, most Western parents consider blowing the children up to be a little severe.

Osama’s first wife Najwa Ghanem says she hasn’t spoken to bin Laden since the 9/11 attacks, and wishes we’d stop asking.

Osama even refused his son asthma medication. A clear airway is just smoothing the path for Satan!

The millionaire refused to allow any modern appliances near his home. Clearly, he prefers to keep them in the binLadencave. / in his holiday-cave.

The millionaire refused to allow any modern appliances near his home. Clearly, all those videos and internet sites and hi-tech weapons are steam-powered.

But if you had 14 children and no TV, you’d be a shitty father too.

Osama once ordered a pet monkey to be run over because it was “not a monkey at all”, but a Jewish person turned into a monkey by God. And September 11 will be nothing compared to his planned monkey massacre!

Osama once ordered a pet monkey to be run over because it was “not a monkey at all”, but a Jewish person turned into a monkey by God. And, as all true Muslims know, the Koran clearly states that any Jewish monkeys should be run over.

Osama once ordered a pet monkey to be run over because it was “not a monkey at all”, but a Jewish person turned into a monkey by Allah. Osama knew it by the way the monkey kept taunting him: “Jew-jew-jew-jew-jew!”

Osama once ordered a pet monkey to be run over because it was “not a monkey at all”, but a Jewish person turned into a monkey by Allah. But Osama considered that insufficient punishment for Zionism.

Allah regularly turns Jews into monkeys, just so they can be more easily run over.

He was particularly vicious with pets. He ordered a monkey to be run over and got a litter of puppies gassed. And those goldfish better shut up their incessant bubbling!

Sure, he murdered his childrens’ pets – but who hasn’t flushed a goldfish or two down the toilet…

He fathered 14 children, because Islam “needs many warriors”. Preferably ones under 10. / Preferably ones who haven’t yet developed a moral compass. / developed any real ability to critically analyse religious propaganda.

Osama’s got 14 children. You’d think we would’ve been able to find ONE by now.

One thing’s for sure – it’d make a great sitcom. “Married with Osama” – the family that sticks together blows itself apart! / the family that blows itself apart really sticks together.

A Bunch of Emotional Tools (GNW 2/11/09: monologue)

November 13th, 2009

Relationships Australia have produced a booklet for men encouraging them to treat solving problems in their relationship like a DIY project. So now we can botch our relationships like we botched the carport and the decking.

Relationships Australia have produced a booklet for men encouraging them to treat solving problems in their relationship like a DIY project. See, blokes, it’s easy! Your wife just needs a bit of beating into shape.

Yep, treating your wife as a run-down house that needs bashing into shape – it’s a whole new form of respect.

So if you’re having troubles with the missus, just rest assured she’ll come good with a little emotional spit and polish.

Why should relationships be different from anything else? If it doesn’t work, hit it with a hammer – if it still doesn’t work, get a bigger hammer.

Unfortunately some men have taken the advice too literally, and nailed their wife to the wall. Though she’ll come up alright with a lick of paint.

Men just need to use the emotional tools they keep in the garage of their hearts. The beat-up car of freedom used to live there, but that’s long been sold for scrap by the missus.

Awesome. Now men’s emotions will be permanently unfinished disasters that do nothing but gather dust in the garage.

Men are being encouraged to treat their relationships like they treat their DIY projects – only work on them at weekends, alone, in the shed.

Of course, women already have a wide variety of emotional tools at their disposal. And their favourite is the love-spanner – for tightening your nuts. / for keeping a good grip on your nuts.

Turns out it’s all a big misunderstanding. They weren’t saying modern men NEED a big bunch of emotional tools – they were saying they ARE a big bunch of emotional tools.

Unfortunately, many men think that ‘emotional tools’ are what you call SNAGs. / metrosexuals. / My Chemical Romance fans.

Although usually the whole problem with men’s approach to relationships is that they think they can fix everything with their tools.

Men will now have access to a whole box of emotional tools, including a screwdriver, a power-drill, a love-hammer and a belt-glander. (Mmm… sensitive.)

The only problem with the emotional toolkit approach is that the instructions are in Japanese and the diagrams don’t make sense.

One tool is to ensure power is shared equally. That one’s called the “power tool”. (And unfortunately men are very reluctant to share it.)

Of course it’s just pandering to a stereotypical cliché. Especially the bit about how black men have bigger tools.

The trouble with men is that the only emotional tools they actually have is the lovepump – and the vise.

The emotional toolbox includes such tools as “avoiding misunderstandings”, “sharpen up your listening”, “resolving conflict” and even “love”. Though you’ll be stuffed if you try to use them to build a shed.

StarScreen for Sperm (GNW 2/11/09: monologue)

November 13th, 2009

A Californian sperm bank is offering prospective clients the opportunity to choose donors who most resemble their favourite celebrity. Though if that’s J-Lo or Jessica Alba, you might not get what you’re after.

Look-alike talent agencies are now getting into the sperm bank business, since interest is otherwise drying up in their range of lame phoneys.

And if you want a child who has a big round head and a long wriggly body, just use ordinary sperm.

Of course, having a celebrity-look-alike as a donor doesn’t mean the child will look anything like their genetic parent. I mean, look at Angelina Jolie’s kids – none of them look like her!

The donors themselves remain anonymous. But when you want to find your biological dad, just find the copy of Who Weekly from nine months before you were born and look for the guy on the front.

It’s certainly gotten the sperm bank attention. They’ve been swamped by gullible paparazzi.

The sperm bank now has more look-alikes donating than they have demand. California’s going to have a spate of fat little Elvises.

Although if your baby looks like Ozzy Osbourne, you might want to consider getting it put down.

But if you really want a baby that looks like Harry Potter, you can just gouge a little zigzag into its forehead with a stanley knife. (Or is that considered wrong these days?)

Of course, if having a baby that potentially looks like someone who looks a bit like someone famous is that important to you, I think it’s probably best that you don’t breed at all.

Despite his great intelligence, for some reason there still is very little demand for the sperm of Stephen Hawking.

The sperm bank warns you that choosing a donor who looks like a celebrity doesn’t necessarily mean your child will resemble them. They will probably have some elements of your revolting fameless self. / They will still have some of your pathetic loser nobody DNA.

Though be warned – sperm from a David Beckham lookalike may still be shit at soccer.

Better hope you don’t have a girl. Baby Georgia Clooney would just look creepy.

Of course if look-alikes aren’t good enough for you, the technique remains to break into your favourite star’s home and wank them off into a jar.

It’s quite a sensible approach, if you want your offspring to grow up able to blag their way into fancy parties. (“Don’t you know who my dad is?”)

Of course, if your kids look a bit like someone who looks like someone famous, their kids might look like them, and look like someone who looks like someone famous!

Some of these lookalikes have become so famous, now people are asking to have a child by people who look like THEM.

And of course, when the children grow up, they can become sperm-donating look-alikes themselves, and the cycle of life continues…

But since donors remain anonymous, you have to take the staff’s word for it. And just assume that Hugh Grant look-alikes have to visit a sperm bank to get their rocks off.

Believe it or not, many of us have lookalike sperm. For instance, my sperm looks like Casper the Friendly Ghost.

As is well known, most men who visit sperm banks look just like movie stars. (Albeit fatter, uglier and markedly less charming. / markedly more disfigured.)

Forget intelligence or charisma or good breeding – parents these days just want their offspring to look like celebrities. Since they’re going to throw tantrums regardless.

Though be careful if you get Russell Crowe-alike sperm. Those kids won’t just throw tantrums – they’ll throw phones.

Parents these days just want their offspring to look like celebrities. Although in the future, when everyone looks like celebrities, it’ll be the nondescript nobodies who really stand out… and become celebrities.

Frigid Pussy (GNW 2/11/09: What’s The Story?)

November 13th, 2009

A New Zealand cat survived 19 hours in a freezer. He’s not just a cool cat, but snap-fresh too!

The cat survived. But the fish fingers were never seen again.

The cat spent 19 hours in a freezer. But it claims it was worth it for first dibs on the frozen trevally.

Looks like tabby took one too many tabs.

But it makes sense the cat survived inside the freezer. In New Zealand, it’s not that much warmer outside.

They asked what the cat was doing there. It’s said it was just chillin’.

“It’s a Westinghouse, right? Well, I was westing.” / The cat figured a Westinghouse would be a nice place for a west.

The cat mysteriously appeared in the freezer when the woman’s cat-hating husband accidentally put it in there to freeze to death.

At least we know, meowogenics is not just a crazy dream.

Krillen the cat’s owner found him when she went to retrieve a loaf of bread and heard the half-frozen Krillen attempt to miaow. And she was sure her kitten steaks weren’t that fresh.

His claws tore at the door before his four sore paws thawed more.

The mischievous cat was just after a few of those yummy frozen mice. / Worst of all, he’d eaten all their frozen mice.

He was just after their miceblocks.

Of course, it’s their own fault for filling their freezer with mice.

Still, it turned out better than when they discovered their puppy in the casserole.

The cat’s fine now. Although it doesn’t purr anymore – it brrrs.

The cat was just going for a kip. Or a kipper.

This was bound to happen if they kept stocking their freezer with immobile fishcicles.

The poor frozen cat wasn’t even able to miaow. At least until they cracked out the chainsaw – miiiaaaaaaoooowww!

She said the cat was upset, but it was all worth it for the YouTube hits.

Happy Humpty (GNW 2/11/09: What’s The Story?)

November 13th, 2009

A BBC children’s show has changed the words of Humpty Dumpty to give it a happy ending. They’ve also decided he isn’t an egg – there’s no way you’re getting that fixed.

It may be easy to put Humpty together again, but try doing that to a real egg. It’s not going to happen, no matter how many horses you get involved.

Let’s hope they also decided to update it to “all the Queen’s horses and all the Queen’s people of assorted genders”. / Queen’s people, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.”

The revised Humpty rhyme has resulted in a lot fewer upset children, but a lot more injuries due to falling off walls. / but a lot more wall-fall-related injuries.

Unfortunately, British children are now taking hours over breakfast trying to reassemble broken eggs.

A BBC children’s show has changed the words of Humpty Dumpty to give it a positive ending. Although I’m not sure that giving Humpty a happy finish is really suitable for children.

In the new version, the king’s horses and men made Humpty happy again. Though if he falls off any more walls, he’s on his own.

“All the king’s horses and all the king’s men were able to make Humpty happy again.” Though it took all the king’s morphine.

It’s amazing how much yolk they were able to stick back into the shattered shell only using their hooves.

Some other nursery rhymes have also been adjusted: Jack no longer breaks his crown, London Bridge remains standing, Mother Hubbard’s cupboard is well stocked, and “Ring-a-ring-a-rosy” now ends “We all remain standing, unaffected by our ailments”.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey,
Along came a spider and sat down beside her,
And they had a thoughtful discussion about the irrationality of arachnophobia.

Rock-a-bye baby, on the tree top,
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall,
Which is why the bough has been thoroughly reinforced according the national safety standards for tree-based cradles.

See saw, Marjorie Dawe,
Johnny will sign a mutually-satisfying job contract.
He will get a decent award rate,
Plus more if he meets his productivity schedule.

Now Jack Spratt can eat what he likes, Bo Peep keeps control of her entire flock, and Georgie Porgie scores himself a root.

And now singers of Ring A Ring A Rosie remain upright, without any trace of illness.

Mother Hubbard not only has a cupboard full of bones, but she’s not even that old. / but she’s only just hit middle age. / but she’s 21 and HOTT.

The little old lady who lived in a shoe and had so many children she didn’t know what to do, now knows what to do. And it’s called ‘contraception’.

The little old lady who lived in a shoe who had so many children she didn’t know what to do, no longer whips them all soundly and sends them to bed – she stars in a reality TV show.

But Play School here mucks about with the lyrics of nursery rhymes all the time. Where’s our Parliamentary enquiry?

Gluten-free Hookworms (GNW 2/11/09: 5 Second Grab)

November 13th, 2009

A Brisbane researcher may have found a therapy for gluten intolerance – hookworms! They just love gluten!

The parasite burrows through the skin before travelling via the bloodstream to live in your gut. Or if you want to take the gluten and the cure in one go, just chow down on a hookworm sandwich.

Sure, they’re gross, disturbing, nasty little beasties, but if we can cure their coeliac disease, I say we let them have the treatment.

If it sounds like an extreme solution, you obviously haven’t tried gluten-free bread.

Unfortunately, no-one’s worked out how to cure coeliac disease in hookworms.

The only problem is if you get a coeliac hookworm.

Next, the scientists are going to try curing arsecancer with scorpions. Worth a try, huh?

Sure, it’s helped with their coeliac disease – if only there was some way to rid them of their hookworm infestations.

So now the choice is yours – get infected with intestinal parasites that look like THIS (show horrendous graphic), or just lay off the bread.

Of course there’s a risk of death by anaemia or malnutrition. But at least you could eat bread doing it.

But researchers warn that you still should only eat moderate amounts of gluten. Otherwise the worm could take over your entire body and just use you as a wheat-hunting host.

See, if you don’t digest anything, you can’t be intolerant to it!

Over 250,000 Australians have coeliac disease, but scientists are yet to find a single hookworm with it.

Finally, a hideous intestinal parasite that can enable coeliacs to sample the orgasmic wonders of bread. It’s a taste sensation that can’t be beat!

The research is based on the theory that the human immune system requires exposure to foreign organisms to function properly. That’s why, before every meal, I inject myself with squid. Just in case. / with slugs. Just in case.

Antibodies in a coeliac disease sufferer attack the wall of the bowel, which increases the chances of bowel cancer. But at least they’re free of worm infestations. / free of intestinal parasites.

An alternate cure for coeliac disease involves filling your stomach with wet cement.

It’s all related to the “hygiene hypothesis” – that allergies are caused by a lack of exposure to foreign organisms. It’s a well-known fact that people who died of the plague had no problems with gluten.

And if coeliacs still have problems after the hookworm treatment, they’ll try infecting them with dropsy, mange, smallpox… whatever they’ve got lying around.

Admittedly, there is a “yuck factor” in allowing yourself to be infested with parasitic worms. But it’s worth it for the heady delights of eating a piece of bread.

Admittedly, there is a “yuck factor” in allowing yourself to be infested with parasitic worms. So scientists are now renaming the creatures “hookpuppies”. / are now giving them little bow-ties.

It’s not just a cure for coeliac disease, but nutrition!

But if the hookworms don’t work, there’s always stomach-piranhas. I hear they LOVE bread.

And if you’re lactose-intolerant, there’s hope for you too – crabs! / pubic lice! / bowelfungus!

Unfortunately the only cure for hookworm infestation seems to be bowel cancer.

Titanic 2 (GNW 2/11/09: Strange But True)

November 13th, 2009

A British travel firm is planning a transatlantic cruise that will retrace the Titanic’s steps on its hundredth anniversary in 2012. It’s already selling well – trips to Atlantis are a real rarity.

The Titanic Memorial Cruise will depart from Southampton on April 8, retrace the Titanic’s steps, and one week later arrive at the spot where the “unsinkable” ship sank. What happens next is anyone’s guess. / From that point on they’ll wing it.

A memorial service will be held onboard at the exact same spot and time as the original ship hit the iceberg. Which may get in the way of manning the lifeboats.

The cruise will travel from London all the way to New York, just like the first one did.

The travel firm say there’s no way that the iceberg incident could recur. It’s one of the upsides of global warming!

The cruise is selling very well. All the lower-grade inside cabins and some suite categories are fully booked out, although there is still plenty of room in icebreaker class.

The cruise will even provide music from the era. You know, Celine Dion.

They’re also matching the menu from the first Titanic. Although they’ve found it difficult to get fresh dodo. / Tassie tiger.

They’re recreating the original voyage right down to the food, music and lack of safety standards.

They’re calling the journey “Take 2”.

And, just like the original, they’re not taking enough life-rafts. Just in case.

The ship, of course, isn’t called “The Titanic”. It’s called “Titanic 2: Die Harder”.

They’re even hiring a drunken captain to drive the vessel.

Prices start at four and a half grand for a ticket. They want to fill the boat with exactly the same kind of rich idiots who were drowned on the first one.

The journey will mark the 100th year since that ill-fated voyage, and what better way to remember the Titanic than to sink another one.

The same kind of ship will take exactly the same route at exactly the same time on exactly the same day. They’re just hoping that the exact same iceberg will have spent the last hundred years melting.

But they stress they will not suffer the same fate as the original Titanic. In fact, their ship is unsinkable.

Of course, this is not the only doomed voyage they want to recreate. It’s really just the tip of the iceberg.

They also plan on recreating the launch of the space shuttle Challenger, the flight of the Hindenburg, and the many train journeys of the Third Reich.

After they’re finished recreating the voyage of the Titanic, they plan to move on to recreating the flight of the Hindenburg, the launch of the Challenger, and if they can just purchase enough firecrackers, the obliteration of Krakatoa.

They’re going to precisely recreate the food and music of the original Titanic, though they still haven’t worked out who’s going to be Kate Winslet.

It’ll be a great journey for people nostalgic for the days before television, aeroplanes and precautions. / life-rafts.

It’s a great escape back to the tedium of 1912!

The travel firm say there’s no way that the iceberg incident could recur. I mean, what are the odds there’d be another iceberg in exactly the same part of the Arctic Circle 100 years later? Preposterous!

Dress code is men in top hats, spats and monocles, and women with their shoulders draped in something dead. (Perhaps one of the original passengers.)

The cruise will dock where the original Titanic was going, before heading back home via the Bermuda Triangle.

The cruise is selling very well. Especially amongst geriatric emos. / suicidal toffs.

Sure, the tickets are frightfully expensive. But then you can’t take it with you.

Some of the original passengers will even be on board. And don’t worry, they’ll take up a lot less room on the lifeboats now that they’re dead.

Some of the original passengers will even be on board, stitched together to make the additional life-rafts.

A travel company is recreating the voyage of the Titanic. Am I the only person thinking “SINK! SINK! SINK!”?

James Cameron’s thrilled – at last he’ll be able to make the sequel! (Just as long as that dynamite works properly…)

James Cameron’s thrilled – at last he’ll be able to make the sequel. He’ll just dust off that old prop iceberg and the story writes itself!

Titanic 2. It’s like the Hey Hey Reunion in boat form!

The kitchen is the only part of the boat not guaranteed to stay afloat. In an iceberg emergency, everybody will stand around and watch the kitchen sink.

Ho White (GNW 2/11/09: Strange But True)

November 13th, 2009

A local beer has launched itself with a controversial campaign featuring a girl called Ho White smoking in bed with seven semi-naked dwarves. Who needs a handsome prince?

Aw, look! It’s like tiny little rugby league!

The idea is that the beer isn’t as sweet as people expect. It actually tastes like dwarf semen.

The idea is that the raspberry beer isn’t as sweet as people expect. But still, how pissed must she have been?

“Oh boy – what did they put in that apple?”

The ad’s for a raspberry ale. Snow White’s sure got a taste for consciousness-sapping poisoned fruit.

As well as poisoned apples and alcoholic raspberries it seems that Miss White’s got a taste for salty dwarf-fruit.

And isn’t it great that advertising agencies are turning to pornos for inspiration.

The company drew the wrath of Disney. They were just about to launch their range of Mouseketeer porn.

The advertising agency was forced to pull the campaign. They were able to fend off the legal challenge from Disney, but it turns out they stole both the name and the plotline from a porno.

And you should see the one they based on ‘Bambi’.

The commerical’s not just an ad for raspberry beer – it’s also an ad for rohypnol apples.

The dwarves are called Ugly, Smarmy, Randy, Filthy, Blotto, Gropey and Matthew Johns.

According to Ho White, Prince Charming is all very well and good – but he doesn’t have seven cocks, does he.

Mirror Mirror on the wall
Who’s the drunkest one of all?

So now she’s not just a high Ho, but a drunk one too.

Ho White says she wouldn’t have done it, but she was high at the time. She was high Ho, high Ho, it’s off to work she goes…

The good thing about dwarves is they don’t have to go down – they’re already there.

Ho White says the dwarves were satisfying, but she’s still going to go back to Jack and his beanstalk.

With the controversy over the campaign, the raspberry ale have taken down their campaign, and are replacing it with Little Red Rutting Hood. / Rooting Hood.

And you should see what she can do with a poisoned apple! HOOOWEE!

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with having a fun time with a bunch of dwarves. In fact, that’s one of my favourite websites.

And see if you can spot the eighth dwarf, Tonguey! / Fishy!

In the commerical, Ho White is being threatened by a wicked witch called the Advertising Standards Bureau.

It’s the first in a series. Look forward to seeing ‘Goldilocks and the 3 Beers’, ‘The Billy Goats Drunk’, and ‘Jack and the Beer-talk’. /‘Jack and the Meth Lab’.

Ho White said that the dwarves weren’t her first option, but that the Big Bad Wolf was already taken. Mmmm, so bad!

Ho White said that the dwarves weren’t her first option, but that the Big Bad Wolf was already taken. “My, what big feet you have!” “That’s not my foot, baby.”

Poor Ho White. With all those dwarves kissing her, she can’t get a decent night’s sleep even if she pops a couple of apples.

Disney’s got a rock-solid case against the advertisers, especially if they produce the original Snow White outtake reel.

Good Next Week (GNW 2/11/09: closing)

November 13th, 2009

Tuesday, November 03
Tomorrow’s Melbourne Cup Day, the world’s only holiday for midget racing.

The race that stops a nation, the Melbourne Cup, shocks the world when the nation just keeps going.

The event that stops a nation, the Melbourne Cup, shocks punters when it turns out just to be some horse race. / a bunch of horses running around a track.

Tomorrow, it’s the race that stops a nation – the interest rate rise.

Tomorrow, of course, the nation will stop while their mortgages are jacked up.

The Reserve Bank will (almost certainly) raise interest rates again, to make sure this economic recovery is primarily fun for bankers and the well-off. / isn’t TOO fun for mortgage-holders.

Tomorrow, the Reserve Bank will (almost certainly) raise interest rates again. They need the extra money to cover a little flutter in the Cup.

Wednesday, November 04
The 2010 Perth International Arts Festival will be launched on Wednesday. They figured they might as well make their festival international, as some other countries are actually closer to Perth than the entire eastern seaboard is.

The program for the 2010 Sydney Festival will be announced tomorrow, before they realise they’re still a couple of months early.

Westpac will announce its yearly profits – they’ve got so much money now that they actually need to invent a whole new number. / whole new currency.

Adelaide will host the National Incontinence Conference – you’ve got to go!

Wednesday’s National Incontinence Conference in Adelaide will get off to an embarrassing start when several speeches are leaked ahead of schedule.

Wednesday’s National Incontinence Conference in Adelaide will get off to an embarrassing start when it pisses itself.

Wednesday’s National Incontinence Conference in Adelaide will be a total pisser. / a huge piss-up – unfortunately.

Sean P Puff Diddy Daddy Combs will turn 40 on Wednesday, and receive gifts of several new names. / on Wednesday. Time he got himself a new name.

Sean P Puff Diddy Daddy Combs will turn 40 on Wednesday. Now he’s middle-aged, he has vowed to do barely any cocaine at ALL.

The Bureau of Statistics will release the latest retail figures. We’re not only out of the recession, we’re spending like loonies again!

Thursday, November 05
Perth will host the Australasian College Of Road Safety conference. And those guys know how to conference – can’t remember HOW I got home from the last one of those!

On Thursday, Melbourne will host the Economic & Social Outlook conference, although by now many people have upgraded to Economic and Social Firefox.

In Sydney, John Howard will give a speech on the 10th anniversary of the republic referendum called “Turnbull sucked back then too”. / “The secret to getting what you want is in the wording of the question”. / “I Won The Queen-a-thon”.

On Thursday, John Howard will give a speech on the 10th anniversary of the republic referendum, before handing out tar, feathers and Kevin Rudd’s address. / before handing out the flaming torches.

On Thursday, the 2009 Sydney Peace prize will be given to the fairy penguins. Can’t get more peaceful than that.

On Thursday, the 2009 Sydney Peace prize will be presented. Might as well give that one to Obama too. / Front-runner is an Obama impersonator in blackface and a golliwog wig.

On Thursday, the 2009 Sydney Peace prize will be given to the wrong person, who will refuse to give it back, which will start a fight, which will descend into a brawl, which will mean no peace prize for anyone. Happy?

In Adelaide, it’s the Craft & Quilt Fair, which will be followed by the Craft & Quilt Unfair, where the judge’s daughter is the only one allowed to use needles.

Friday, November 06
Julian Morrow from The Chaser will deliver the Andrew Olle Media Lecture, as Andrew is dead.

Julian Morrow from The Chaser will deliver the Andrew Olle Media Lecture, making some great jokes about news presenters dying of brain tumours.

On the Gold Coast, it’s the Master Builders national conference, where they can all get together and engage in mutual masterbuilding.

On the Gold Coast, it’s the Master Builders national conference. Apparently they’ll be Masterbuilding all night.

On the Gold Coast, it’s the Master Builders national conference. It’s like Masterchef, but they only get the apprentices to do the taste-tests. / but they have to build the kitchen.

On Friday, Brisbane hosts the Good Food & Wine Show. Well, that’s… good.

Robbie Williams will release his new album, probably his last before he slides off into middle-aged oblivion.

Britney Spears’ “Circus” tour will hit Australia, proving once and for all that she’s no clown.

At Sydney’s Hordern Pavilion on Friday, it’s the “Canned Laughter” charity gala, hosted by our own Claire Hooper & featuring Akmal & Kitty Flanagan. Don’t worry, they’re not always like this.

In Sydney, the “Canned Laughter” charity gala, hosted by our own Claire Hooper and featuring both Akmal and Kitty Flanagan, will be held at the Hordern Pavilion. One thing’s for sure, it gives me the Hordern. / just thinking about it gives me the Hordern.

At Sydney’s Hordern Pavilion on Friday, Claire, Kitty and Akmal will be at the “Canned Laughter” charity gala. So please, even Akmal deserves your charitable laughter.

Saturday, November 07
Psychic John Edward will begin his Australian tour in Sydney on Saturday. How do I know? MIND POWER.

Psychic John Edward will begin his Australian tour in Sydney on Saturday – yet he had the posters printed up months ago! HOW DID HE KNOW??

Psychic John Edward will begin his Australian tour, but I’m sure you knew that.

Psychic John Edward will begin his Australian tour, so watch your wallets. / be careful he doesn’t read your mind for your bank PIN.

Psychic John Edward will tour Australia, along with his army of the dead. Thought I should warn you.

Sunday marks 3 years since Britney & K. Fed got divorced, and Britney will have a breakdown as the news finally reaches her brain.

On Saturday Dr. Karl will be in Sydney flogging his new book, entitled “Hey, Remember Me, I’m That Science Guy!” / “For God’s Sake, It Rhymes With Struglepishki”. / “Dr Karl’s Guide To The Latest Scientific Developments on Pronouncing ‘Kruszelnicki’”.

Sunday, November 08
Perth will host the international conference on regional development. Apparently Perth’s coming along well.

In Hobart, it’s the Japanese Film Festival. While in Tokyo, they’re showing a series of films about picking apples and rooting your cousin.

Sunday is Hobart’s Japanese Film Festival. For some reason they love watching films made by people on a tiny island who managed to almost defeat mainland Australia. Not sure why.

It’s Seal’s first ever Australian tour! Let’s hope he doesn’t hit any clubs.

Seal’s Australian tour will arrive in Brisbane, where he’ll catch a ball on his nose, clap his flippers, and sing all of his greatest hits.

Seal’s Australian tour will arrive in Brisbane on Sunday. Tickets are 35 herring. / The show is free, but you have to bring a bucket of fish to feed him halfway through the set.

Monday, November 09
Next week is National Recycling Week, same as last year. / which seems to happen every year. / Just like last year, and the year before…

For next week’s National Recycling Week, we’ll be doing all the same jokes as this week, but swapping the names! / but in a different order!

In Melbourne, there’ll be a hearing into the gay marriage bill, which will consist of a whole lot of people shouting “should” and “shouldn’t” at each other.

At the Sydney Institute, Joe Hockey will give a speech called “In Defence Of God”, in which he’ll reveal his defence policy for Heaven. Don’t want those heathens getting in! / defence policy for Heaven, including processing refugees from Hell in the Limbo Detention Centre.

At the Sydney Institute, Joe Hockey will give a speech called “In Defence Of God”, and Jesus Christ will give a speech called “Defence Positions in Hockey”.

Next Monday China’s “rich list” will be revealed – everyone’s equal again!

Next Monday sees the release of China’s “rich list”; that’s the hundred people the Chinese government would like you to believe have the most money.

Delta Goodrem will turn 25. No longer so Wii. / And with her career in a bit of a lull, she’ll be given cancer again!

It’ll be 20 years since the Berlin Wall was torn down, and they began planning the replacement in the West Bank.

On Monday it’ll be 20 years since the Berlin Wall was torn down. Man, how slack is German maintenance? / And they still haven’t been bothered putting up a new one.