Nooh Pew (GNW 19/10/09: 3 1/2 Corners)

October 21st, 2009

There’s a new Winnie the Pooh book! “Return to the Hundred Acre Wood” contains all your favourite characters! Except that Milne one. / Except the one that made them all up.

Isn’t it funny
How a book makes money?
Cash cash cash
I wonder where it’s stashed?

Isn’t it funny
How a book makes money?
Ching ching ching
Just watch the cash roll in!

The last Pooh was in 1928. A A Milne really needs more fibre.

It’s the first sequel to be authorised by trustees of the Milne estate. They’ve so far declined the gangsta rap-themed “TWA: Tiggers With Attitude”, the slasher film “I Know What Pooh Did Last Summer”, and the Bond tie-in “For Eeyore Eyes Only”.

OK, Christopher, it’s probably time you realised: your teddy can’t actually talk.

There’s a new character: Lottie, the bossy, cricket-playing otter with a pearl necklace. Because I’m sure most of us reading “House on Pooh Corner” have thought “Hm, it’s cute – but where’s the bossy, cricket-playing otter with the pearl necklace?”

It’s one of the best things about fictional characters – they’re as immortal as the publishing company wants.

Of course, a new Pooh will have some modern aspects. Eeyore is now an emo, Pooh has had lap-band surgery, Tigger is in rehab, and the Heffalump only communicates with them by twitter. / is a hallucination caused by too much crystal meth.

The stories have been updated a little for a modern audience. In the new story, Pooh just can’t find his honey anywhere, and discovers it has been stolen by al Qaida, who are not only trading it with India and Iran for weapons of mass destruction, but have just released video footage on YouTube of them beheading Piglet and Rabbit.

He’s still a bear of very little brain. But in the new book, he becomes President for nearly a decade.

Christopher Robin is now a cantankerous lecher!

Of course, by now, Christopher Robin is in his late nineties, and he thinks his toys are talking again…

Christopher Robin’s now 88. Which explains why he’s back to talking to his teddies.

Of course the Pooh franchise has been completely exploited in the last 80 years. But no-one had thought of writing a BOOK!

It’s been 81 years since the last exactly in the style of the old A.A. Milne books. Except the house at Pooh corner is now a ten-story apartment block.

The book has a new character, Lottie, the cricket-playing otter. Pooh traditionalists are horrified – not that there’s a new character, but that it’s a female.

Tigger and Pooh are a bit unsure of the new character. A woman playing cricket? It’s just not cricket!

Although be warned, if you go to “the new adventures of pooh dot com”, you’ll be in for a nasty shock.

We’ve already had modern sequels to “Gone With the Wind”, “Treasure Island” and “The Jungle Book”. Next on the list, a sequel to “Charlotte’s Web”: “Charlotte’s Zombie”! (It’s the most adorable story ever about a zombie spider.)

I can’t wait till they make the sequel to Apocalypse Now: Apocalypse New! Kurtz is back – and he’s crazier than ever!

At least when George Lucas dies, his Star Wars series should be able to live on, Vader-like.

Sweet Criminals (GNW 19/10/09: Up-cut)

October 21st, 2009

British research suggests that children who eat too many lollies grow up to be violent adults. The good news is that rather than lengthy prison sentences, the best deterrent to reoffending is two bucks of mixed at the milk bar.

British research suggests that children who eat too many lollies grow up to be violent adults. They have to commit crimes just to support their sweet-tooth. / their sugar-habit.

British research suggests that children who eat too many lollies grow up to be violent adults. Smashing shit up is the only way they can get that sugar-rush out of their system.

There you go, the Milky Bar kid was working for the bad guys.

69 percent of people arrested for violent crimes by age 34 had eaten lollies and chocolates daily at age 10. That’s a hell of a long-lasting sugar high.

But these days, with smacking virtually outlawed, a handful of jellybeans down the throat is the only way to control a psycho kid.

Rewarding your kid with treats seems to correlate to violence in adults. So psychiatrists suggest you beat them instead. Beat that violence right out.

Rewarding your kid with treats seems to correlate to violence in adults. As does smacking them, and just letting them run wild. Let’s face it – humans are just a bunch of angry monkeys, and there’s nothing we can do about it.

The theory is, parents who use lollies as bribes actually retard their children’s ability to defer gratification, resulting in adults with compulsive behaviour. Instead of using lollies, psychologists recommend giving your children a good clip over the ears. / a good sound beating. / a taste of yer belt.

Kids – can’t treat ’em, can’t beat ’em.

And apparently the correlation with violence in adulthood was even greater for kids who had been regularly rewarded with sexual favours.

69 percent of people arrested for violent crimes by age 34 had eaten lollies and chocolates daily at age 10. You’ve especially got to watch out for the ones obsessed with chocolate bullets. / the ones who have an ammo belt for their chocolate bullets.

69 percent of people arrested for violent crimes by age 34 had eaten lollies and chocolates daily at age 10. And a similar number had once used some sort of play-equipment. / had had baths every day. / had a near-daily intake of school.

69 percent of people arrested for violent crimes by age 34 had eaten lollies and chocolates daily at age 10. But even more damning, 100% of them had gone to school nearly every day. Shocking statistics – and so very sad.

From now on, children should be bribed with asparagus. / brussels sprouts.

But it’s alright, they’re only shooting chocolate bullets. / chocolate bullets hardly even bruise.

The link is particularly strong with parents who use lollies to reward their children for good rugby league play. / for winning the kiddy-boxing. / for murder.

And sherbert users nearly all moved on to cocaine.

And if as a kid they were regular ingesters of Wizz Fizz, well, let’s just say as adults they’ve sure got a lot of energy.

Not only were lollies a major influence, but also access to weaponry and pantyhose.

Another dead giveaway – they’re the ones who would always be the robbers in ‘cops and robbers’.

Although, granted, many of them tried robbing banks by storming in, pointing their fingers at the cashier and shouting ‘bang bang, you’re dead, 50 bullets in your head’.

It’s not surprising that lolly-addicts turn to crime. Dentures ain’t free.

And believe me, after a childhood full of lollies and chocolate, some crims can give you a very nasty gumming.

The research proves conclusively that violent behaviour in children is the number one cause of lollies.

Who can take a clenched fist
Sprinkle it in brass
Thump it in your stomach
And knock you on your arse?
The candyman…

69 percent of people arrested for violent crimes by age 34 had eaten lollies and chocolates daily at age 10, while among non-violent adults the percentage was 42 percent. And most of them are just waiting for the right person to bash.

The Queen’s Queens (GNW 19/10/09: Strange But True)

October 21st, 2009

The hunt is on for new guards at Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle and Balmoral, particularly from applicants who are women, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, black or minority ethnic. Just another sign that that hippie Charles is seizing power by stealth.

The new gay Royal Guardsmen will be known as the Queen’s Queens.

Because you need a diverse mix of races, genders and sexual orientations to properly protect an outdated oppressive white patriarchy.

The new gay officers will be particularly helpful at the new attraction, The Flouncing of the Guard.

It makes sense to employ gay people in the Royal Guard – after all, they’ll be guarding the Queen.

It’s a good idea for the Royal Guard to be politically correct – after all, they need to make up for Prince Phillip.

Former police chief John O’Connor said it was “just window dressing. These are terrible jobs that no-one wants. What could be more soul-destroying than to sit in a rusty old sentry box for hours?” And he LIKES the Queen.

Former police chief John O’Connor said the job is actually terrible, just sitting in a rusty old sentry box for hours. But that’s the only way to get access to the beefeaters’ glory hole.

It makes sense to employ gay men in the Royal Guard. After all, it totally sucks balls. / Apparently the job really sucks balls. So for gay men, it’s actually the perfect job.

After all, who’d be a better Royal Guardsman than a beefeater?

The only problem is if they take being a beefeater too literally.

After all, if you’re a disabled black Muslim lesbian who used to be a man, you should fit right in with the Windsors.

They need to appeal to all minorities for the Royal Guard, because disabled black Muslim lesbians who used to be men are the only people Harry won’t try to shag. / won’t crack on to.

They’ll be looking to employ all minorities under-represented in the Queen’s guard – in particular republicans, assassins and terrorists.

And when there are enough minority groups guarding the Queen, Charles will finally be able to make his move.

Apparently the royal family has previously had a bias towards Aryan men. Who knew?

You know who else could do with a bit of equal opportunity employment? The Royal Family.

But surely if they want to employ gays and transsexuals, there are more than enough in the royal family.

They’re also hoping to bolster the press corps with at least one heterosexual male.

Transgendered people would be perfect as Royal Guards. They can not only change the guard, but their entire gender. / biology.

There’s no way they’re going to find who they’re after. All the gay and transgendered toffs are already in Parliament. / have already got cushy jobs in Parliament.

But no matter how hard they try, there’ll still be some minorities that remain unrepresented in the royal guard. For instance, royalty.

The Metropolitan Police Force says they hope to employ plenty more guards from minority groups so that the Queen can safely feel superior.

They’re hoping to get some more black guards. Or anyone who can understand all that “gangsta” talk.

And, from now on, all the princes and princesses have to be black. / any new Windsors have to be black. / any new members of the Royal family will have to be gay, Muslim, and black.

So now, when they troop those colours, they’ll have to troop the entire rainbow.

Munchkinland (GNW 19/10/09: Strange But True)

October 21st, 2009

Chinese dwarfs have set up their own village to escape discrimination. Or, in fact, to impose discrimination.

The 120 villagers in the mountain commune of Kunming are all under 129cm tall. Apart from their mighty leader, Snow White.

The villagers have turned themselves into a tourist attraction by building mushroom houses and living and dressing like fairytale characters. Though they face stiff competition from the nearby village of smurfs.

The villagers have turned themselves into a tourist attraction by building mushroom houses and living and dressing like fairytale characters. Unfortunately the entire thing was destroyed by a rampaging troll, with eyes as big as saucers!

Because nothing earns you respect faster than dressing up as a fairy.

Life’s so much easier when you can pretend your gross deformity is make-believe.

Tourism is their major industry, though it’s also well worth checking out their chocolate factory.

The village is easy to get to. Just follow the yellow brick road…

The small person village seems like a paradise, but they are absolutely powerless against the big bad wolf.

It’s great living in a midget village. You can have a mansion the size of a garage.

They don’t want big people degrading them. They can degrade themselves.

Yup. Dressing up as faeries and goblins and living in a mushroom village is a great way to escape discrimination. (If only the Jews had tried that in 1939.)

Dressing up as faeries and goblins is a great way to escape discrimination. It’s worth noting that the Lebanese people who escaped violence during the Cronulla riots were actually dressed as leprechauns.

This is the trouble with the current race-violence in Melbourne – the Indians just aren’t dressing up as faeries. / the Indians just refuse to dress up as faeries.

They’re so sick of being picked on that they’re going to dress up as fairies and gnomes until it stops.

Their village is actually really really smurfy.

I tell you what, though, their basketball team sucks.

Dwarves cop a lot in China. When your whole nation is laughed at for being short, someone’s going to carry the can.

Dwarves cop a bad deal in China. Though they do make a delicious oompa-loompa in black bean.

If they’re feeling discriminated against, why don’t they come over to Australia – we’ll give ‘em a fair throw. (I mean go.)

Inspired by the financial success of the littluns, normal-sized Chinese people are now dressing up as Snow White.

Everyone in the village is 129 centimetres tall. And frankly, the 128 centimetre bloke has become quite a bully.

Good Next Week (GNW 19/10/09: closing)

October 21st, 2009

Tuesday, October 20
Federal parliament resumes, with the ETS top of the agenda, unless something else comes along in the meantime that they can kick Turnbull with.

Dannii Minogue will turn 38, and send Kylie a card saying “Still no cancer!”

Dannii Minogue will turn 38! But I’d still flip her over and bone her. (And pretend it’s Kylie.)

Wednesday, October 21
Qantas will hold its annual general meeting, where shareholders will vote for the next CEO to take their money and run.

In Brisbane, Fosters will hold its annual general meeting. Whoever skulls a yard is the new CEO!

In Brisbane, Fosters will hold its annual general meeting, where they will create a new head of the company, just by shaking the company up before they open it.

In Canberra, the inquiry into the future of fuel & energy will report, finding that we can generate an excellent baseload supply simply by juicing humans.

On Wednesday, the inquiry into the future of fuel & energy will report in Canberra. Apparently the future is mostly run on straw and oats. Because instead of cars we’ll all be riding around on horseback.

In Ohio, Wednesday sees the Circleville Pumpkin Show, the oldest & largest pumpkin show in the world, gets off to a terrible start when the a pumpkin is cut open to reveal a dead Cinderella, crushed like an aluminium can.

In Perth, ecologist Professor Richard Hobbs will speak on climate optimism. He’s encouraging us all to think of the year-round barbies.

In Perth, ecologist Professor Richard Hobbs will speak on climate optimism. To an audience of Andrew Bolt, Piers Ackerman, and a pterodactyl.

Thursday, October 22
Melbourne will host the Australian Soccer Hall Of Fame luncheon. So that’ll be Maradonna… um… oh, and Beckham.

In Perth, it’s the Long Distance Triathlon World Championships. And triathlonning around the entire world sure is long distance.

In Perth, it’s the Long Distance Triathlon World Championships. And just a tip, going against the rotation of the Earth will get you back to Perth quicker.

The Gold Coast will host the national conference of the Australian Lawyers Alliance, if their lawyers allow them to.

The national conference of the Australian Lawyers Alliance will be held up by an injunction, a series of appeals and a mistrial.

On the Gold Coast, it’s the Grand Final of Miss SuperGP – check out those spark plugs!

On Tuesday, the latest instalment of the horror movie franchise “Saw VI”, will be released. This one’s a musical comedy!

The latest instalment of the horror movie franchise “Saw VI”, will be released. I’m getting the hang of them by now – I reckon Jigsaw did it.

The latest instalment of the horror movie franchise “Saw VI”, will be released. Number six! No wonder he’s saw.

The ANZ bank will announce its full-year results. The falcon hasn’t worked as well as they’d hoped.

Professor Ross Garnaut will be at the Brisbane Institute. So if anyone has any financial impacts of climate change studies happening, he’d love to hear from you.

Friday, October 23
Next weekend is Brisbane’s largest street festival, Valley Fiesta. Unfortunately failure to clean up afterwards will result in a Valley Fester.

Network Ten will announce its full-year results, at a function known as “Blame Canada”.

Network Ten will announce its full-year results – apparently, we’re still on the air!

On the Gold Coast, it’s the SuperGP Gala Ball. The food’s all been carefully cooked in 100% virgin motor oil.

Saturday, October 24
In Sydney, it’s the Australasian Natural Bodybuilding Championships, where we see the best naturally-built bodies, without resorting to steroids, weights or effort.

On Saturday, it’s the Australasian Natural Bodybuilding Championships in Sydney. BYO body parts.

Saturday is 80 years since the Great Wall St. Crash. Pretty much just in time for the next one… / Don’t blow out your candles all at once – you may be needing them to see.

It’ll be 80 years since the Great Wall St. Crash. And it seems like only yesterday!

It’ll be 80 years since the Great Wall St. Crash. C‘mon people – we can make a crash greater than that one!

The SpongeBob Squarepants “Think Happy” tour will hit Sydney. And if you’re not thinking happy enough, some merchandise should fix that!

Sunday, October 25
In Darwin, it’s the 2009 World Solar Challenge – find another sun with an inhabitable planet, quick!

In Darwin on Sunday, it’s the 2009 World Solar Challenge. Of course, up in Darwin, it’s not really much of a challenge. You want a Solar Challenge? HOLD IT IN MELBOURNE!

It’s the Brisbane Zombie Walk, an undead-themed tour of the CBD to raise money for the Brain Foundation. Although be warned, it is so they can EAT THEM.

It’s the Brisbane Zombie Walk, an undead-themed tour of the CBD to raise money for the Brain Foundation. The Brain Foundation’s kinda like the Blood Bank, except you don’t get a bikkie when you’re done.

It’s the Brisbane Zombie Walk, an undead-themed tour of the CBD to raise money for the Brain Foundation. Anything to get a decent feed.

It’s the Brisbane Zombie Walk, an undead-themed tour of the CBD to raise money for the Brain Foundation, and to wreak bloody havoc amongst the living.

Hobart will host the Bus Industry Confederation conference on Sunday. The back rows will be lit with blue fluorescent lights to stop junkies shooting up.

Hobart will host the Bus Industry Confederation conference on Sunday. It’ll start 2 hours late, and when it does eventually begin, it’ll end up being the wrong conference.

Sydney will grind to a halt as thousands of people enjoy Breakfast On The Bridge. And hundreds more below them endure Shake The Crumbs Out Of Your Hair Sunday.

Sunday’s Breakfast On The Bridge will go horribly wrong when Kevin Rudd is served the wrong kind of bread. / when Kevin Rudd’s egg isn’t sunnyside up.

Sydney will grind to a halt as thousands of people enjoy Breakfast On The Bridge, or as the hungry participants think of it, “The Giant Croissant”.

Monday, October 26
Next Monday’s Pink Ribbon Day will go so well that it’s followed by Brown Bow Tuesday, Orange Suspenders Week, and the Month of Black Spats.

Monday is Pink Ribbon Day. Pink may finally be strung up on a ribbon and run out of town.

Brisbane will host the Public Relations national conference. The perfect event if you like to have relations in public.

Brisbane will host the Public Relations national conference. No farting.

Brisbane will also host the Qld. Power & Gas conference. You can probably fart there.

Next Monday, Brisbane will host the Qld. Power & Gas conference. Queensland Power is a bit like White Power – it’s old, tired, and weak as piss.

In London, it’s the Q Music Awards, where there’ll be plenty of Q’s, but not an A in sight.

The Gold Coast will host the Carbon Market Expo. Look for the place that isn’t selling T-shirts or alcohol.

The Gold Coast will host the Carbon Market Expo – it’s the place to be if you want special discounts on all your favourite brands of carbon. / it’s the place to be if you want to get your carbon direct from the source.

In Canberra, the inquiry into the Telecommunications Competition Bill will report. Apparently the Telecommunications Competition would be a lot more fun if it had a prize. / if it incorporated some sort of mystery sound element.

In Canberra, the inquiry into the Telecommunications Competition Bill will report, and you’ll be able to see it on Foxtel, while on the other pay-TV network… oh.

In Canberra, the inquiry into the impact of mining the Murray Basin will report. Apparently it used to contain some water. / They’ll find they should have pulled the plug before beginning.

In Canberra, the inquiry into the impact of mining the Murray Basin will report. Apparently, the impact will be a BLOODY BIG HOLE.

Monday is Keith Urban’s 42nd birthday. He’ll celebrate with 19 bottles of champagne.

Next Monday, Keith Urban will turn 42. His liver will turn 108.

Next Monday, Hillary Clinton will turn 62. For her birthday, she’s going to get Sarah Palin jumping out of a cake.

Ruddy War-Room (GNW 12/10/09: monologue)

October 16th, 2009

Kevin Rudd’s getting himself a hi-tech war-room! The 34.9 million dollar room will feature up-to-date intelligence, communications, mapping technology, and a direct line to Obama’s phone, so he has someone who can tell him what to do. / someone to listen to his panicked sobbing.

Kevin Rudd has installed a hi-tech “war room” close by his office. Because if there’s a war to be held, he’s sure not going over to the other side of the building.

Its official title is the “Parliament House Briefing Room”, but he prefers to call it “The GalactoThrone of Infinite Power”. / “The Fortress of Solitude”. / “The Thunderdome”. / “Castle Ruddskull”.

Rudd says that if he can get his own war room, he’ll finally have somewhere impressive to meet with Obama, Clinton or strippers.

He’s even installed “the button”. It doesn’t actually do anything, but don’t tell him that…

He’s even installed “the button”. Although, granted, all it does is call up Obama and burst into tears.

The special war room is also impervious to any sort of attack, as long as it’s not nuclear, chemical, explosive, or in any way dangerous.

The room will be an impenetrable fortress. It’s where he’s going to hide all the ideas from the 20/20 Summit, so no-one will ever find them.

The room will be an impenetrable fortress, unless you’re from the Rebels bikie gang, in which case you should be able to dress up as a plumber and just walk in.

It’s like a panic room with swearing!

In times of non-emergency, the room will double as somewhere Rudd can freely swear at underlings.

The “Parliament House Briefing Room” will be equipped with all the latest computers and technology for Rudd to hide under.

It will also be the perfect place to plot a response to any future economic crisis created by frittering away 35 million bucks on a war room.

The crisis centre was announced as Samoa and Sumatra were being rocked by earthquakes, or as Rudd describes them, “tragic, calamitous excuses for a war room”.

Is it Kevin07? Or Dr Strangerudd?

The room includes a cool computer graphics table and a REALLY big map!

The war room means that in the case of war, terrorist attack or natural disaster, Rudd can quickly and efficiently deal with the cover-up. / media attention. / interviews.

Yes! Rudd’s war room! A place where Kev can quickly and efficiently look like he’s doing something!

The room includes the latest communications and mapping technology, and the absolute finest in grooming and hairdressing. / and a spot where he can get a really natty haircut for the cameras.

And for really bad disasters, it’s got a little corner he can cry in. / an escape pod to a distant galaxy!

Rudd’s getting himself 34.9 million dollar war room added to Parliament House. Meanwhile, Iraqi families are lucky to have a room at all. / Of course, if he was actually IN the war, he’d be lucky to even have a room.

Rudd’s getting himself 34.9 million dollar war room. No matter which government’s in power, they’ve always got room for war.

He’s spending 34.9 million dollars setting up a “war room”. And, once he’s finished that, he’s thinking about setting up a “peace room”, an “education and health room”, and maybe even a “spending our taxes on something that might benefit society room”.

Interestingly John Howard didn’t need a war room, even while he was declaring war.

Malcolm Turnbull’s also set up a war room, to protect himself from his party.

Malcolm Turnbull, on the other hand, has set up a “peace room”, hoping there’s somewhere he can get some peace.

Canberra Witches (GNW 12/10/09: monologue)

October 16th, 2009

Canberra Witches! They’re like regular witches, but cold, grey and boring! / but way more bureaucratic. / but only cast spells a few months a year.

After the discovery of a blood-spattered concrete slab at Mt Ainslie, Catch the Fire Ministries pastor Danny Nalliah has called for spiritual warfare against Canberra witches. Whoever wins, Canberra loses!

So either the witches will rule Parliament with their spells and blood sacrifices, or the Catch The Fire cult will rule with their incantations and invisible spirits. Whatever happened to the good old days of regular old corruption? / Sure beats the old days of petitions and lobbying!

Apparently three of them appeared to Kevin Rudd, promising that he would be Prime Minister hereafter. At least till the impossible happened – Peter Garrett approving a nuclear mine.

And even more shocking than witches performing blood sacrifices, there’s also a lunatic group who believe in mass prayer! / there’s also Christians with parliamentary influence!

I doubt mass prayer will spur God into action – he’s much more impressed by child-blood sacrifice.

Nalliah says the only way to end the blood sacrifice will be to have all the witches slaughtered.

Nalliah says that the witches are cursing Parliament, impacting on decisions which should be being made in secretive back-room deals.

A Canberra coven, the Australian Sex Party and the Catch the Fire Ministries. The question is, which cult is witch?

I hope witches are performing blood sacrifices at Parliament. God knows politicians don’t listen to protests or petitions.

So far, there have been no witches found. Although they have found three werewolves and a leprechaun.

The whole nation may indeed be under a curse, but it’s not witches – it’s just karma for what happened in 1788.

I think I’d rather have witches in control than the monsters we’ve got inside Parliament.

But it’s not just witches controlling Parliament. There’s plenty of fairies in there too.

Blood on the footpath? Well, I’m convinced. / That’s some damning evidence. Quick – BURN THE WITCHES!

But they weren’t witches – they were midwives.

Australian Sex Party is threatening to set up a stall on the day. Yep, that blood sacrifice and mass prayer will be no match for their… stall. / Unfortunately that’s the best you can do when you’re godless heathens.

Australian Sex Party is threatening to set up a stall on the day. And if you’ve ever seen what goes on at an Australian Sex Party stall, you’ll know it can put you right off your prayers.

But why do you need the mass prayer? If God was so opposed to witches, wouldn’t He just smite them?

If the mass prayer doesn’t defeat the witches, Nalliah is calling for a full-on “War on Witchcraft”, which at the very least would be a great online role-playing game.

What kind of spell would this be though?
“Double, double, toil and trouble,
Fire burn and cauldron bubble
Eye of cockroach, tongue of flea
Reduce this cauldron’s GST!” / Remove this broomstick’s GST!”

“Double, double, toil and trouble,
Fire burn and cauldron bubble
Eye of cat, tongue of Alsatian
Tie baby-fat candles to inflation!” / Index newt-eyes to inflation!”

But they so far haven’t found any actual witches. It’s a witch hunt! That’s not a metaphor. It actually is.

Aussie Men World’s 7th Best Rootrats (GNW 12/10/09: monologue)

October 16th, 2009

According to a new survey, Spanish men are the best in bed. Well, there’s nothing else to do there. / Well, no wonder – the bastards get a siesta.

Australian blokes came 7th. Which is preferable to coming first.

I’m glad we’re only 7th. It’s just rude to come first.

In a survey of women’s sexual experiences worldwide, Spanish men came first. So it’s surprising they rated so high.

It was an extensive survey, involving 15,000 women and 20 countries. You should’ve seen the size of the wet spot!

The women surveyed got to rank men from 20 countries. So the only women who really knew what they were talking about were globetrotting skanks. (Or as we know her, “Paris Hilton”.)

Of course, if you’re having sex with multiple partners from 20 different countries, you may not be the best person to ask about who’s good in bed. Clearly, you’re not that fussy.

Luckily for our national pride, we are better lovers than New Zealanders. Although the survey was just asking the opinions of HUMAN females.

Aussie blokes have come seventh out of 20 in a global poll to see which country’s men are the best lovers. We were looking like coming in at number five, until a last minute case of brewer’s droop.

Spaniards are #1. Looks like they’ve got their chicks satisfied. Or just ignorant and scared.

So if us Aussie blokes want to measure up in the bed, we’d better start throwing some tomatoes at bulls.

Then again, they also risk their lives in numerous ways against giant horned bovines. So, really, I’m happy to hang back at number 7.

And the only thing more manly than Spanish men are Spanish bulls.

Brazilian men were the second best lovers. Which is why they can convince their women to shave.

At the same time as we’re on top of Canadian and New Zealander men, we’re underneath Brazilians and Italians. It’s called the “Paris Hilton” position.

We were at number 7, ahead of New Zealand, Denmark, and Canada at 8, 9, and 10. So whenever I’m in the boudoir, I pretend I’m from Canada. That way, they’re always pleasantly surprised.

Even Irish men were above us. Who’s joking now?

Irishmen are better lovers than us! Looks like Paddy n’ Mick have adequate dick.

The survey asked women from 20 countries to rate nations on their talent in the bedroom and explain their reasons. So in large part it’s a survey to confirm the prejudices that everyone already had.

The survey asked women from 20 countries to rate nations on their talent in the bedroom and explain their reasons. Of course most women didn’t have experience of sex with men from all 20 countries, so they based their votes on the results of the last survey.

The countries with the worst lovers were Germany (too smelly), England (too lazy) and Sweden (too much Abba).

While Spanish men were voted number one, Germans came last due to their poor hygiene. They ought to cover themselves in the musky aroma of tomato and bull.

Germans rate last for being too smelly, and yet Spaniards rate first? I think it must be bulldust. / bullshit.

German lovers were deemed the worst, due to being so smelly. In fact it was probably DUE to all the wurst.

German men’s love for wurst made their lovewurst worst. / their lovewurst burst worst.

German men came last on the list, apparently for being “too smelly”. But only to chicks who didn’t like eating faeces. / But only to partners not into coprophilia. / However, they rated highly on the list with women into eating faeces.

Germans came last due to their poor hygiene. They’ve really let things slip since they dropped the uniforms.

So if you’re a bit unsure about your lovemaking, seek out a German girl. Coz they’re gaggin’ for it. / Coz they’re hangin for a decent root. / Odds are, you’ll be the best they’ve ever had!

Aussie men could climb higher on the list, if they gave a shit.

How could the Spanish, French and Italians be better than us? I bet they don’t even light their farts afterwards!

Men from Bhutan are pissed off. They weren’t even on the list, yet they root like wild stallions.

Aussie men aren’t as good as Italians or the Spanish, huh? Spanish ladies – here and now! Let’s straighten this thing out – and I’m not just talking about the survey results. Eh? EH?

Bush’s reject wins Nobel (GNW 12/10/09: 7 Days in 7 Seconds)

October 16th, 2009

Australian molecular biologist Dr Elizabeth Blackburn has won the Nobel prize for medicine for her study of chromosome-protecting enzymes in cells. “Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oi oi oi! Chromosome-protecting… enzymes…”

She has won the Nobel prize for Discoverer of the Most Chromosome-Protecting Enzymes. Believe it or not, she was the only nominee.

Dr Blackburn was dropped from George Bush’s Council on Bioethics in 2004 after questioning its bias. And you don’t question the ethics of the bioethics council – they determine what it is. / And the last thing an ethics council want raised is a question of ethics.

Dr Blackburn was dropped from George Bush’s Council on Bioethics in 2004 after questioning its bias. That’s right, anyone questioning ethics has no place on the Bioethics Council.

She made the mistake of thinking that an ethics council might be interested in ethics.

George Bush stood by dismissing her, saying that her Nobel Prize wasn’t even in biomethics.

She’s a morally-upstanding, intelligent, ethical scientist. Of COURSE Bush dropped her!

She’s happy to win a Nobel. She can put it on the shelf next to her Nobush.

But Bush never was as big on “Nobel Prizes” as he was on “agreeing with him”.

To her, it’s more important that science is independent, than to be in the government’s favour. Which is why she accepts so much money from al Qaida.

In her home town of Hobart, she was once asked “What’s a nice girl like you doing studying science?” And that chauvinistic family friend will be the first recipient of her new “liquid cancer”. / “spray-on cancer”. / “spray-on tumour”.

George Bush stood by dismissing her, announcing that Nobel prizes are not just evil, but they don’t even have a bell.

She fell out with President Bush over cloning and embryonic stem cells. She supported using them in research, while he thought the only use for brionic cloning should be to create another Steve Austin.

She fell out with President Bush over cloning and embryonic stem cells. She wanted to use them for research, while he insisted they should only be used for blood sacrifices.

Dr Blackburn’s research may actually lead to a cure for cancer. Which makes it hard to make snide jokes about how she should be curing cancer.

She’s discovered an enzyme. Well, good on her. She can use it in the washing.

It’s the first Nobel received by an Australian woman. Bad luck, Germaine.

Old athletes on drugs (GNW 12/10/09: 7 Days in 7 Seconds)

October 16th, 2009

The World Masters Games in Sydney are weighing up the difficult decision of what drugs can be permissible, to ensure, in the words of one games consultant, that athletes aren’t “carking out on us”. Yeah, carking out athletes are such a pain to administrate.

Games consultant Nicki Vance said “We don’t want people carking out on us”. Yeah, they should really make carking out against the rules.

For instance, it’s acceptable for an athlete to have a pacemaker. In fact, if you crank it, it wins the race for you!

Just because you’re in your eighties doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be an athlete! Although it’s hard being a swimmer. Your wrinkles all spread out and make you look like a manta ray.

Even if you’re blind, deaf and crippled, you can still win races, as long as people point you in the right direction and give you a push when the gun goes off.

You’ve got to expect old people at the Masters Games. You want younguns, go check out the Whippersnapper Games. Before I give you a taste of me belt.

Athletes can get a therapeutic use exemption for their medicines. What’s surprising is the number of athletes who are suffering from serious anabolic deficiency. / testosterone deficiency. / from a chronic lack of masking drugs.

Tests have found a number of senior athletes on performance-enhancing drugs. But then their results aren’t affected by Viagra.

Of course the usual performance-enhancer seniors use is just Viagra. But that can still help you to win by a nose!

Not only do the oldies get to keep using their drugs, but glasses and hearing aids too! NOT FAIR!

Not only are they using drugs and mechanical devices to regulate their heartbeats, but some of them even have electronic aids for their hearing, and special lenses to help them see better! CHEATS!

A senior without drugs? You might as well take away their health-care card and enter them in the 100 metre paranoid crazy fits.

But what are they supposed to do if they can’t have drugs? Exercise?

It’s a difficult line to walk. A pacemaker has to be considered a performance enhancer. And yet some people say it’s cruel to switch it off. Wimps.

I say zero tolerance. You want to go for gold, leave the pacemaker at home, buddy.

And of course, there’s also the oldies who just THINK they’re athletes. They’re on the best drugs of all.

It’s great to see older athletes enrolling in the Games. There’s plenty for them to compete in: there’s the 500 metre hobble, the hammer drop, the cross-country anecdote, and the hop, step and stumble.

But you’d feel pretty bad beating an 88-year-old. It’s enough to drive you to drugs.

Really, when there’s an 88-year-old in an event, drugs should be compulsory for everyone else, just to give him a chance.

The Masters Games are bad enough, but you should see the performance-enhancers they have at the Special Olympics. Some of the runners are given wheels!

North Korea’s bacteria (GNW 12/10/09: 7 Days in 7 Seconds)

October 16th, 2009

North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-il told Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao that they might be ready to return to six-party talks if progress is made on bilateral talks with Washington. He REALLY wants to meet Obama. / He just really wants to get Obama’s autograph.

The South Korean government says the North has cholera, yellow fever, smallpox, typhus, typhoid fever and dysentery, not to mention cooties and girl germs. / I’m not surprised Kim Jong-il was sick.

Kim’s hoping that by restarting bilateral talks with the US, he can cough something directly on Obama. (Not so cool now, eh?)

North Korea have a massive biological weapons arsenal, including cholera, smallpox, typhoid and dysentery. All the classics!

North Korea has some very refined biological weapons, including the one that makes all their people identical height for their synchronised marches.

Kim loves biological weapons. They’re like his little friends. Typhy, Chollie and Poxy!

Kim loves biological weapons. They’re so much shorter than he is!

North Korea are on the verge of restoring its main nuclear plant in Yongbyon, which it had earlier shut down. That crafty Kim – he never shakes on a deal without his fingers crossed.

Kim Jong-il refuses to drop his nuclear program. You now, just in case the South Koreans are immune to all 13 plagues he’s about to unleash on them.

He told the Chinese premier that he was happy to enter into multinational talks about his nuclear program. As long as no-one asks any direct questions, makes any allegations, or in any way mentions his nuclear program.

Kim Jong-il didn’t tell the Chinese premier about his 13 chemical weapons. But he did smear a little of each on his prawn chow mein. / But he did leave the visiting leader minute traces of each in his hotel room.

North Korea has 13 kinds of chemical weapons, including cholera, yellow fever, smallpox, typhoid, dysentry, and a partridge in a pear tree. (Which has a bad case of bird flu.)

North Korea has 13 kinds of chemical weapons, including cholera, yellow fever, smallpox, typhoid, dysentry, and some horrible bug Kim Jong-il caught at a rave. / caught pashing a low-rent callgirl.

China has now offered an unspecified amount of aid to North Korea. And in return, North Korea will give Wen the antidote.

China has now offered an unspecified amount of aid to North Korea. And in return, North Korea will not blow up an unspecified number of Chinese cities. / will spare an unspecified number of Chinese citizens from the horrific wartime apocalypse that is soon to come.

Kim Jong-il loves smallpox. Not so much a fan of tallpox.

Can someone give him some oil so we can invade?

Biological weapons. They’re evolution’s end-point.

I hope we have an all-out biological war. I mean, who’s going to win? Cholera? Smallpox? Typhoid? My money’s on yellow fever.

Kim says he has no plan to use the 13 deadly biological agents. He just enjoys watching them battle. / He just likes watching the all-in Plague Death Match.

Sure, North Korea’s got 5000 tonnes of bioweaponary, but China’s got the Chinese Burn.

The confidential discussions were held quietly, and by the time they finished, they were saying something completely different to what they started with. But that’s what you get with Chinese Whispers.

Libs tonsil Hockey (GNW 12/10/09: 7 Days in 7 Seconds)

October 16th, 2009

The Liberal Party are looking to ditch Malcolm Turnbull and install Joe Hockey as their leader, as part of their committed policy of “everyone gets a go”.

With the Liberals in disarray over what to do about the emissions trading scheme, they’re going to replace Malcolm with Joe, someone who essentially believes exactly what Malcolm does. But the advantage is, they won’t have to vote on it while they’re getting the office furniture changed.

With the Liberals in disarray over what to do about the emissions trading scheme, they’re going to replace Malcolm with Joe, someone who essentially believes exactly what Malcolm does. To make a real difference, what they really need to do is replace him with a polar bear and a couple of endangered frogs.

The Libs don’t know whether to back Turnbull’s emissions trading stance, or replace him with Hockey so they can not know whether to back HIS emissions trading stance. (Quite the dilemma.)

Hockey’s clearly the best qualified to lead the Libs, as he’s the only frontbencher who had that regular Sunrise spot.

Malcolm says he has no intention of calling a leadership ballot like Brendan Nelson did. He’s going to wait till Rudd offers him the cushy ambassadorship first.

Malcolm says he has no intention of calling a leadership ballot like Brendan Nelson did. He’s going to lose the next election like a man.

Malcolm says he has no intention of calling a leadership ballot like Brendan Nelson did. He insists the only ballot he’s going to be mercilessly crushed in is a public one.

Joe’s position is that it’s better for Malcolm to go to the election. But some Liberals would rather just get on with having them both irreparably damaged.

Joe’s position is that it’s better for Malcolm to go to the election, but according to one MP he’s got to be ready in case some “20 suicide bombers walk into the party room next time we meet and one of them pulls the string”. I’m glad the Libs are the party strong on national defence. / And the best strategy would probably be to be interstate.

Joe Hockey is planning on taking over the Liberal leadership, but he claims it’s not that he wants Turnbull to stand down – he’s just getting prepared in case terrorists blow Turnbull up or something. Clearly, he knows something we don’t…

I think Hockey will be just as good a leader as that Frankie Turnbull guy we’ve got now, or that Neldon Branson guy, or any of the other indistinguishable Liberal clones that aren’t Peter Costello.

Hockey confirmed he’d been approached to lead the Libs on the same day Peter Costello quit Parliament without seeing out his term. He knew if he stayed any longer, he’d be forced to be leader by a process of elimination. / He had to get out of the party before he was the only one who HADN’T been leader.

They need to find someone who stands out as a leader. Someone like Peter Costello, but without all the things we think of when we think of Peter Costello.

But really, anyone could lead the Liberals. All they need to say is “Well, the reality is” or “At the end of the day” and then say the opposite of whatever Rudd’s saying.

But really, anyone could lead the Liberals. “We’re good at economics, let’s lock up refugees and chop down forests, here’s a tax break for rich people, Rudd stinks like wee”. See? I could do it.

But whoever gets the Liberal leadership, they’re not going to get another John Howard. The last of his genetic material was used to make Rudd.

But whoever gets the Liberal leadership, they’re not going to get another John Howard. Like it or not, these newer models all have hearts.

And if Turnbull is replaced by Hockey and Hockey fails, the Libs will try Bob Brown as a leader. At least he should be able to unite the party. Against him, admittedly, but it’s a start.

By the time the election actually rolls around, the only Liberal MPs who haven’t had a shot at leader will be Wilson Tuckey and Bronwyn Bishop. A combination that hasn’t been seen together since Pauline Hanson was born.

The Hey Hey Minstrels star in “Niggerama” (GNW 12/10/09: 7 Days in 7 Seconds)

October 16th, 2009

The Hey Hey Reunion is in hot water over a Red Faces skit featuring a blackfaced Jackson Five impersonation. But that’s the great thing about Hey Hey, it takes us all back to a time before political correctness, sensitivity and brains.

It’s appalling. Michael was never THAT black.

Who’d think that in this day and age, people could be so shallow and backward that they’d be offended by a bit of facepaint?

But it’s not racist! Everyone knows all black people look like gollywogs!

(Kamahl voice) “Why are people so unkind?” / As Kamahl would say, “Why are people so unkind?”

The world has reacted with outrage. If blackface was still acceptable, don’t you think the real Michael Jackson would have used it?

Daryl Somers was surprised at the outrage. He’d never heard of this new fangled “racialism”.

Daryl was very contrite in his apology. Not that he apologised to anyone watching who may have been offended, but Harry Connick Jr is a serious celebrity!

The red faces act is surprised by all the criticism. The act went down a treat at the Stormfront pie night. / at the KKK meat-raffle. / on “The KKK’s Got Talent!”

Of course, Michael Jackson would be shocked by all the outrage this act caused. After all, he was the one who said it doesn’t matter if you’re black or white.

The act has realised their mistake, and from now on will instead perform the Ching Chong Song.

Judge Harry Connick Jr took a stand, giving the act zero and saying he was offended. Fantastic to see that we need Americans to teach us about racism.

Afterwards, host Daryl Somers apologised to Harry Connick Jr and his countrymen for causing offence. Lucky we Aussies can take a joke, eh? / Daryl was sincerely sorry he hadn’t only picked good old-fashioned racist Aussies to judge it.

But it wasn’t racist! They had to black up to impersonate the Jackson Five! The joke of the sketch was… um… they… um… danced badly… um… Michael Jackson is dead… er… look, afros are funny, ok. Get over it.

Come on, the sketch was hilarious! Because Michael Jackson’s dead, get it? / Because the real Michael Jackson can’t even sing that well any more!

If you’re going to black up like that, at least perform songs by real negros! (Not show-biz coconuts like the Jacksons.)

It’s not the racial angle that got them in trouble. It’s that they were in direct violation of the colour of face required by the segment, “red faces”.

Funnily enough, the act would’ve been perfect for “Black Faces”.

But Hey Hey’s producers are rapt to see the attention it’s attracted, and are going to rename the segment “Black Faces”.

Of course, if they’d been extremely young or extremely old, everyone would’ve laughed, and they’d’ve won.

The same guys performed the same act 20 years ago. But of course, that was back when Michael Jackson was still black.

And you should see their Obama sketch! / their “Obama Meets the Spazzy” sketch – hilarious! / “Obama meets the Cancer-Riddled Cycling Kid” sketch!

But it’s Red Faces! If an act isn’t appallingly shit, it has no right to be there.

They were having a competition as to who they could piss off first – African-Americans, Michael Jackson fans, or people who enjoy music. / people who expect to see actual talent.

Of course, the act is only offensive if it turns out they weren’t really African-Americans.

I hate to say it, but for once, I’m with the wowsers! And the darkies. / Solidarity, nigga!

Still, no matter how appalling or insensitive their act was, they’re more likely to walk away with a prize than any of you lot.

But there’s no way Hey Hey is racist. After all, their booth announcer’s always been a blackman. (And Daryl’s co-host is African!)

Aussies have the best interest rates (GNW 12/10/09: 7 Days in 7 Seconds)

October 16th, 2009

Australia has become the world’s first major economy to lift interest rates since the financial crisis. Another 16 rate rises and we’ll be fully recovered!

Australia has become the world’s first major economy to lift interest rates since the financial crisis. We don’t care if it’s good or bad – we just wanna be first. GOLD FOR AUSTRALIA! AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE!

A $300,000 home loan is now $45 per month more expensive. But the government gave you loads of money, so you should surely be down to $299,000 by now.

A $300,000 home loan is now $45 per month more expensive. And, because of rising house prices, you’ll need to borrow more from the banks just to get a home. See the beauty of economics? / I get it now – “financial crisis” actually means “good for people, bad for banks”.

The Opposition says that the Government’s reckless spending has put upward pressure on interest rates. Yes, all that reckless recovering of the economy.

The Opposition says that the Government’s spending spree has been completely reckless, and contend that if they were in charge, things would be thoroughly recked. / The Opposition say they wouldn’t be reckless; they’d make sure we had a reck.

The government’s spending spree has now resulted in the average mortgage going up by $45 a month, with more rises expected in coming months. Although mortgage-holders wanting to put downward pressure on rates could send their 900 bucks back to the government.

See! Interest rates WILL always be lower under a Coalition government! Absurdly, dangerously lower!

The Coalition say they won’t be happy unless interest rates remain lower than Malcolm Turnbull’s approval rating.

Interest rates are on the way up. So it’s time to sell your house and buy a bank. (I think American ones are still going cheap.)

The economy’s improving, so we have to pay more for our home loans. The Aussie dollar is now worth more against the American dollar, and this is a bad thing for exporters. Why do I feel like the economy lives in BIZARRO WORLD?

The economy’s improving, so they hike up our mortgage repayments. I think I liked it better in the recession. / Why don’t we just pretend we’re still in a recession? Shh! The world will never know!

The increase will add 45 dollars a month to a 300,000 dollar mortgage. Imagine how much it’ll add to a million dollar loan! Those poor poor rich people.

The increase will add 45 dollars a month to a 300,000 dollar mortgage. That’s one less lobster for the bisque, you know.

The Aussie dollar is now worth more against the American dollar. Not financially, just morally.

It was either raise interest rates, or drown another sack of puppies.

The Reserve Bank had to raise interest rates. It’s the only thing that stops them killing again.

Wall Street shares immediately recovered on the interest rate rise announcement. After all, they don’t have Aussie mortgages to pay off. / They were happy to know that their houses are now even cheaper than ours.

And after they raise interest rates, they going to look into seeing if there’s some way they can rub salt into our wounds. / kick us while we’re down.

Interest rates this, interest rates that. Blah. Personally, I think they should call them Boredom Rates.

Pirates vs French navy (GNW 12/10/09: 7 Days in 7 Seconds)

October 16th, 2009

Somali pirates on two lightweight skiffs in the Indian Ocean stormed the French navy’s 18,000 tonne flagship. They’d obviously heard about the French navy’s fighting abilities.

Somali pirates on two lightweight skiffs in the Indian Ocean stormed what they thought was a cargo vessel, only to discover it was the French navy’s 18,000 tonne flagship. Which is a hell of a lot of flags. / Which was still worth attacking, just for the flags.

The French navy were thrilled. They figured they had a decent chance of winning!

After an hour-long chase, French forces caught one of the two skiffs. So let that be a warning to anyone planning to attack the French navy’s flagship with just one skiff.

Actually, I think that’s the first military battle that France has won since Waterloo. / Napoleon.

The pirates opened fire with Kalashnikovs, confusing the French sailors, some of whom had never seen a gun in real life.

The pirates opened fire with Kalashnikovs. Either that, or one of them coughed very loudly. (It’s hard to tell at night.)

The pirates fled, and French forces set off in pursuit, eventually catching one of the skiffs. The other pirates retreated to lick their wounds and drink the champagne.

The French navy said it was their most challenging naval battle since sinking the Rainbow Warrior.

A French navy flagship has recently caught 5 Somali pirates on a ship that had no food, no water, and no weapons. So really, they’re more like refugees. / boatpeople.

But the French military assure us they were genuine pirates, and they’ve got the doubloons to prove it. / and they’ve got the parrot to prove it. / and they’ve got the pegleg to prove it.

The French navy claim they were attacked by the pirates, who fired on them with Kalashnikovs, but when captured had no weapons at all. And it’s not like the French to just make something up to cover their own arses. (So pirates they are.)

The French navy claim they were attacked by the pirates, who fired on them with Kalashnikovs, but when captured had no weapons at all. Damn these pirates and their futuristic disappearing weaponry!

They weren’t pirates. They were just fishermen on PCP.

The 18,000 tonne navy command vessel chased the two pirate skiffs for an hour before it captured one of the boats, and the five Somalis on board. The other skiff escaped, presumably carrying all the pirate booty, the weapons, the food, the water, and the actual pirates. / and the map with the burnt edges and an X on it. / and all the evidence required to prove they were pirates.

I have my doubts they were really pirates. They had no weapons, no food or water, and only one eyepatch among the 5 of them. / and only one pegleg. / and barely went “aaaarrrr” at all.

But why are Somali pirates attacking French navy command vessels? Because they aaaarrrrrr.

They’re either incredibly stupid pirates, or incredibly violent fishermen.

The French navy captured one boat and five of the pirates. Well “pirates” sounds tougher than “dispossessed nobodies”. / Well they were well overdue to capture somebody.

The French sailors are now boasting that it proves that they can take on any enemy, no matter how massively outnumbered and under-resourced. / The French sailors are now boasting that it proves that they can take on anyone, no matter how massively outnumbered and under-resourced that enemy may be.

The pirates could see they were no match for the giant vessel, but attacked anyway. The smell of those croissants was just overwhelming!

The French were shocked when they caught the pirates that they had no water or food. Not even a single baguette! / Not even a small bowl of beef bourguignon!

Mel’s record wiped (GNW 12/10/09: Giving Headline)

October 16th, 2009

Mel Gibson has had his 2006 drink-driving conviction wiped from his criminal record. So I guess that means his rant about “f-ing Jews… being responsible for all the wars in the world” is now regarded to have been sober and considered.

But don’t worry, the incident hasn’t been wiped from the court of public opinion.

Not only has Gibson had his record wiped, but the cop who arrested him is off to the ovens.

If only they could so easily wipe away the Lethal Weapon series. / that Mad Max mullet.

Clearly the judge wasn’t one of those damn Jews.

Now he’s got no drink-driving record, he can get as hammered as he likes!

He’s had his drink-driving charge erased, but he can never erase his drink-directing. C’mon – you think Braveheart was directed by a sober man? / does it look like Braveheart was directed sober?

He doesn’t drink at all now. Although he sure does attend a hell of a lot of mass.

He’s a teetotaller now. Although he accepts the eucharist by the caskload.

He still insists he wasn’t drunk. He was just Mad!

The judge took only 90 seconds to wipe his record. He wanted it to be nice and clean for the court hearing.

The judge took just 90 seconds to wipe the conviction, as he was not on probation or facing any similar charges. These days, Mel never makes drunken racist rants near police.

The judge not only overturned Mel’s drink-driving charge, but also said he didn’t see what was so offensive about blackface.

Mel was thrilled to get the conviction overturned, and celebrated with three bottles of scotch and a spin in the last of the V8 Interceptors.

Mel attended Alcoholics Anonymous for four and a half months. Well, Alcoholic Celebrities, anyway.

Mel attended Alcoholics Anonymous for four and a half months. Although it’s hard being anonymous when everyone recognises you from your blockbuster movies.

Mel attended Alcoholics Anonymous for four and a half months. To make sure he remained anonymous, he turned up as “Mel X”, and wore really large sunnies. / a hat.

Mel attended Alcoholics Anonymous for four and a half months. And as any alcoholic knows, four and a half months is plenty.

Mel attended Alcoholics Anonymous for four and a half months. It was the same anonymous group of people that was attended by Amy Smithhouse and David Smithlehoff. / Hasselsmith.

But Mel had already wiped the conviction. He took care of it with a week-long bender.

Mel said he’s glad the conviction was wiped, but he also wanted his fine refunded, and his time in rehab lost in an alcoholic haze.

Mel thought it was only fair that it was wiped from the official record, as it was wiped from his memory long ago. / as the event never actually happened, and was only ever part of the Jewish conspiracy to discredit him as the true son of God, where’s my scotch.

Mel wasn’t even required to attend the hearing. Which is lucky, as he was maggotted. / off his face.

Mel wasn’t even required to attend the hearing. Which is lucky, as the place was swarming with Jews.

We don’t need another hero – and he’s the perfect man for the job.

Potterworld (GNW 12/10/09: Are You Stupider Than A 5th Grader)

October 16th, 2009

Harry Potter fans rejoice! Universal Studios are opening a new theme park: The Wizarding Worlds of Harry Potter. So that’s not just a new theme park, but a whole new verb! (Or possibly adjective.)

Harry Potter fans rejoice! Universal Studios are opening a new theme park, called “The Wizarding Worlds of Harry Potter”. Sure, it’s a terrible name, but it sure beats their first version, “20 Bucks And You Can Ride Our Broomsticks”.

The theme park offers a “completely immersive environment”. Although you still can’t cast spells, fly, or do anything else remotely magical.

The theme park offers a “completely immersive environment”. Well, sure, you can’t cast spells, fly, or do anything else remotely magical. But the prices at the gift shop are OUT OF THIS WORLD!

The park is being developed in co-ordination with JK Rowling – although unlike her previous ventures, she’s not able to make things happen by just saying “magic!”

It’s a completely immersive environment that recreates Hogwarts. And if you take a wrong turn, you end up on Platform 9 and ¾ at Kings’ Cross station! Unfortunately it’ll cost you a fortune to get back to Florida.

Unfortunately, it looks really boring to muggles. / Unfortunately, to muggles, it just looks like any other overpriced themepark.

At a replica of the Three Broomsticks, one of Hogsmeade’s popular pubs, visitors will have the chance to sip on Potter’s favourite “Butterbeer”. And then hurl their guts up in the Toilets of Wonder. / All the life-wrecking qualities of normal beer, but with all the heart-stopping qualities of butter!

The park will also feature theme rides, including the Flight of the Hippogriff, which will simulate a training flight on the magical creature, but is really just playing a video game on a forklift.

The park will also feature theme rides, including the “Flight of the Hippogriff” ride, which simulates a training flight on the magical creature, the “Triwizard Tournament” ride, which simulates the novel’s famous broomstick-riding game of Quidditch, and the “Magic of Being Harry” ride, which simulates sorting cocaine off a hooker’s breasts in one of Daniel Radcliffe’s luxury mansions.

But by far the most popular ride of all is the one called ‘Hermione Granger’.

But how do we know this isn’t just an evil ploy by Voldemort to deprive Harry’s followers of large quantities of cash?

Tom Williams, chairman and CEO of Universal Parks and Resorts, says “All of the action and adventures of Harry Potter’s world will come to life” in the theme park. Although, granted, not as richly and as magically as it does when you read the book. / as it does in your imagination when you read the books.

Tom Williams, chairman and CEO of Universal Parks and Resorts, says “The Wizarding World of Harry Potter will be unlike any other experience on earth.” Unless you’ve been to some other theme park already. / Unless you’ve been to Disneyworld, Disneyland, Dreamworld, or any other theme park.

It’s the sort of replication of the magical England of Harry Potter that can only be done in Florida. / that can only really be done in an overpriced Florida theme park.

Because, if you really want to re-create the quaint magical world of Harry Potter’s England, it’s best to do it with a glitzy overpriced themepark in Florida.

You will also be able to examine real Quidditch equipment. It’s kept behind a door marked “Broom Closet”. / “Cleaners”.

You’ll even get to play Quidditch! Well, hockey. But with brooms between your legs!

Visitors will even be able to examine the Golden Snitch. Well, that’s the end of the game, isn’t it. Thanks a lot.

Just like the books, the theme park will cherry-pick all the best bits of other theme parks and reassemble it into the most profitable form imaginable.

Harry Potter’s rapt – he’s always wanted to visit Disney World!

This kinda thing isn’t rare over there. In Florida, it’s actually pretty common for someone to ask you for 20 bucks to ride their broomstick.

The theme park cunningly conceals from the eyes of muggles a magical world known as “Florida”.

J.K. Rowling’s next venture will be to invent a magical bottomless pit to hold her money.

Tom Williams, chairman and CEO of Universal Parks and Resorts, says “The Wizarding World of Harry Potter will be unlike any other experience on earth.” Although there are some reasonably similar experiences down the road at Disney World.

Disney World is hitting back hard, with a theme park based on the Sorcerer’s Apprentice. They’re hoping to get all the Quidditch sticks busy carrying water.

Inspired, a theme park is now being made to recreate ‘The Da Vinci Code”. Visitors sit around and watch Tom Hanks trying really hard to look puzzled for several hours.

Comfy cows (GNW 12/10/09: Strange But True)

October 16th, 2009

Norweigian cows are producing more milk and have fewer udder infections since new regulations mean cow sheds have been filled with soft rubberised mattresses for them to lie on. Or, for younger cows, to bounce on.

Norwegian cows give more milk and have less udder infections, and all because they’re more comfortable. They spend half the day relaxing on special mattresses, and the other half being milked. Takes me back to the old Doug Anthony All Stars days.

Norweigian cows are producing more milk and have fewer udder infections since their cow sheds have been installed with soft rubber mattresses. And, for the kinkier bovines, soft rubber gimp-costumes.

Ahhh. Udder relaxation.

The mattresses mean the cows produce 5-6 percent more milk. But you have to talk it out of the carton. / But you’ve got to rouse it before it will pour. / But it’s never up in time for your cereal.

The resulting milk is homogenised, though you’ve still got to shake it awake. / shake it to wake it.

Although we need to keep some cows uncomfortable. They make yoghurt. / sour cream.

Even better, if they use the mattresses like a bouncy castle, you get udder-fresh milkshakes!

It’s easy to understand. After all, I’m always happier if I can lie back and relax when I’m being milked.

And the cows give even more milk if they have a daily facial and a hooficure.

Unfortunately, some get so comfortable they never want to moooooove.

And for the best quality milk, feed your cows peeled grapes while fanning them with palm fronds and gently, gently tickling their udders with feathers.

The farmers still have to get up at 4am, and blister their fingers over 16 hour days. If only they were cows.

The relaxing mattress rules do have a drawback – the relaxed cows’ hooves don’t wear down. So now they need a pedicure too! / But they don’t mind it – it gives them something to file during their idle time.

The cows should produce even more milk if they’re allowed to roam free, lie in the fields and not have to go through milking.

And you can easily upgrade them to a leather couch by slaughtering their neighbour. (Now that’s relaxing!)

The restful comfort technique has been so successful they tried upgrading them to leather couches, resulting in some seriously psychologically-scarred cows.

The mattresses are perfect for cows that find it hard to sleep. Until now, they’ve had to count sheep. (Which is hard to do on a dairy farm. / Which, on a dairy farm, is zero.)

It takes the cows back to their childhood – like snuggling into Mum’s giant udder.

Doctoral student Lars Erik Ruud said the cows “lie about half of the day, which is natural for them”. It’s hard-wired into their genes from the soft rubber mattresses of the wild.

The company that makes the beds is called “In the Mooed”. / “So Fine Bovine”. / “Bovine Divine”. / “Udder Comfort”.

Cows naturally want to lie down for about half the day. Well you’d want a rest too if you had to carry around four stomachs.

It was either get comfy mattresses or go back to using cowsmack.

Farmers decided to trial the rubberised mattresses, as the cows were just not rolling up their futons.

Super Sperm (GNW 12/10/09: Strange But True)

October 16th, 2009

Scientists have discovered that sperm are becoming so strong that they’re actually destroying eggs. Which is a bit of an “Ooops” moment for a sperm.

The “super sperm” are faster, stronger, and more aggressive than other sperm, and end up destroying the egg. They’re kinda like tiny little rugby league players.

Scientists say women’s bodies have gradually evolved defences which have forced sperm to become more competitive. In response, male sperm has strengthened to the point where too many penetrate the egg, destroying it. Though any eggs that are fertilised go on to make excellent rugby league players.

It also explains the lower modern-day sperm counts. The weaklings are at the bottom of Lake Testicle wearing concrete shoes.

These super-sperm might explain why so many men are faster than a speeding bullet. / why for many men, sex is faster than a speeding bullet.

Super-sperm – they’re faster than a speeding bullet! Or at least mine are. / Mikey’s are.

See, you don’t want to evolve too much, or your reproduction systems starting getting ideas above their station.

I knew it. If you evolve enough, you’re eventually going to evolve up your own arse.

Maybe this is what killed the dinosaurs? They certainly look virile. / I mean, to the best of our knowledge they had no access to IVF.

Alright, who left the sperm in charge of evolution? / This is bound to happen when you leave the sperm in charge of evolution.

Soon when a guy masturbates he’ll be in danger of blowing up his laptop.

They’re now having to make condoms out of bulletproof glass.

Not only are the super-sperm stronger, faster and meaner than regular sperm, but they’re the size of your fist.

Super-sperm don’t just leave a wet patch – they leave a crater.

The sperm of the future won’t just destroy your eggs – they’ll bite your legs off.

The sperm of the future are going to be like some horrifying cross between pirhanas and great danes.

In the future, a man groaning “I’m coming, I’m coming” won’t be an exclamation of sexual satisfaction – it’ll be a warning to get the hell out of the way.

Of course, if the super-sperm keeps killing the eggs, we’ll die out. Hmm. Not so super now, are we.

If the super-sperm and the super eggs are fighting each other, it’s clear who’s losing – the human race.

But although infertility rates are going up, it does mean that the embryos that survive are likely to be made from extra-tough sperm and eggs. After nine months they’ll come out boxing. / And a womb makes a great punching bag! / When they come out, they don’t cry – they ROAR.

It’s not just eggs that are suffering from the super-sperm. Testicles are now like one big punch-on. / one big gangland war. / La Tomatina.

I’m not surprised that sperm are getting tougher. Those testes are full of testosterone.

Who would’ve thought sperm would be so testy?

So for anyone who says humanity isn’t the ultimate evolved creature, just wave your super-sperm in their face! Although, maybe not literally.

Good Next Week (GNW 12/10/09: closing)

October 16th, 2009

Tuesday, October 13
Everyone should celebrate tomorrow’s National Herpes Day. It’s simplex!

Tomorrow’s National Herpes Day! People are itching to go.

Tomorrow’s National Herpes Day! Well, that’s what you get for having an ‘Unprotected Sex’ Day.

Tomorrow is National Herpes Day! Everyone’s favourite incurable blistering STD.

Tomorrow is National Herpes Day! Celebrate by drinking limited-edition Herpes Slurpees – they’re blisterrific!

Tomorrow, Melbourne will host the “Day Of Confrontation” conference, with the theme, “Kicking the economy while it’s down”. And they’ve picked the perfect speaker – Peter Costello.

Tomorrow an American foreign policy expert will give a talk in Canberra on Afghanistan. America has foreign policy experts? / America has a foreign policy? / That’s right, the situation is Afghanistan has gotten so dire that America are getting in the foreign policy experts.

Tomorrow an American foreign policy expert will give a talk in Canberra on Afghanistan. Apparently, it like totally sucks.

Tomorrow an American foreign policy expert will give a talk in Canberra on Afghanistan. In his expert opinion, the country seems to be at war. / involved in some kind of war.

In Canberra tomorrow, the health adviser for Pepsi will give the public health policy oration. Pepsi having a health adviser is a bit like Hitler having an adviser on Yom Kippur. / Hanukkah.

In Canberra tomorrow, the health adviser for Pepsi will give the public health policy oration. Apparently, Pepsi is not only healthier than fruit juice, but it makes you like totally hot.

In Canberra, the health adviser for Pepsi will give the public health policy oration. If you can’t understand him, he may have left his teeth out.

In Sydney tomorrow, it’s the “Demand Dignity” anti-poverty forum. Take THAT poverty!

In Sydney tomorrow, it’s the “Demand Dignity” anti-poverty forum. Followed by a forum called “Well, What’s Plan B?”

In Sydney, it’s the “Demand Dignity” anti-poverty forum. Though, to be fair, demanding food and shelter would probably be more helpful.

In Sydney, it’s the “Demand Dignity” anti-poverty forum. And once they’ve got their dignity, they’ll start asking for something practical. / they might start looking into getting some food and shelter.

Sydney will host the Australian International Education Conference and fings like dat.

Sydney will host the Australian International Education Conference. Don’t forget to take notes – there’s an exam at the end of it. / at the end there’s a comprehension test.

Sydney will host the Australian International Education Conference. And if you’ve ever been into a school staffroom, you’ll know just how pissed they’re going to get…

Tomorrow, the public in Hobart will get a visit from Kevin Rudd & his Cabinet, resulting in a lot of disappointed Tasmanian cupboard-fanciers.

Tomorrow, Kevin Rudd & his Cabinet will talk to the public in Hobart, just days after addressing the world stage. How the mighty have fallen.

Kevin Rudd & his Cabinet will meet the public in Hobart – just in case any terrorists out there are wondering where to plant the bombs.

New York will host the Sportswoman of the Year Awards. My money’s on Brendan Fevola.

Ian Thorpe will turn 27. About time he got a job I reckon.

Wednesday, October 14
Wednesday’s National Ride To Work Day will include Magda Szubanski, who promises she’ll wear lycra. Though armour might be more appropriate.

Wednesday’s National Ride To Work Day will be marred by over a dozen riders being hospitalised by Magda Szubanski. / being brutally crushed by Magda Szubanski.

In Canberra, the govt.’s Chief Scientist will address the National Press Club on Wednesday. Apparently hovercars are on hold until they finish the Doomsday Device.

In Adelaide, the CEO of World Vision will speak at the Company Directors’ lunch, where they will dine on what they like to call ‘Somali jerky’.

On Wednesday, CSL, the Australian company which makes the swine flu vaccine, will hold its annual general meeting. Weirdly enough, since the outbreak of swine flu, sales of their swine flu vaccine have skyrocketed!

Wednesday is the annual general meeting for the Australian company which makes the swine flu vaccine, CSL. They’ll combine their’s with CSR’s so they’ve got a spoonful of sugar. / so they’ve got a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down.

Thursday, October 15
On Thursday in Sydney, the NSW Greens will hand out the Bad Developer Awards. Sure, it’s no Oscar, but it’s better than nothing.

In Sydney, the NSW Greens will hand out the Bad Developer Awards. It could go to anyone – the ALP or the Liberals!

In Melbourne, it’s Australia – China Business Week, which will begin with the traditional hostage exchange.

In Melbourne, it’s Australia – China Business Week, or as it’s known in the business world, “doin’ the white-boy grovel”. / “seven days of suckjobs”. / “seven days of sucking up”.

Andre Rieu will start another Australian tour – lock up your grandmas! / elevators!

In Canberra on Thursday, it’s the Future Broadband Infrastructure Summit. Telstra will be in attendance, they’ve just got to work out which half.

In Canberra, it’s the Future Broadband Infrastructure Summit on Thursday! This year, they’ll be beaming their talks directly into each others’ MINDS.

On Thursday, Sydney will host the Pharmacy Australia Congress, hopped up on goofballs.

On Thursday, Sydney will host the Pharmacy Australia Congress, using a fake prescription and a stolen healthcare card.

Friday, October 16
Friday’s Australian Motorcycle Grand Prix will go horribly wrong when a streaker runs across the track exposing his grand prix.

In Sydney, Friday’s Miss Pole Dance Australia Championships will be marred by a lack of women willing to degrade themselves for the oppressive patriarchy. Just kidding – there’s still plenty of sheilas still willing to get their tits out!

Liza Minnelli’s tour will arrive in Sydney, where she will be mistaken for a zombie Michael Jackson and set alight. / beheaded with a spade. So it’s not all bad news.

In Melbourne, the Build Green expo will announce the world’s most eco-friendly home: a tree.

In Melbourne, due to a media mixup, the Build Green Expo is accidentally replaced with the Grilled Bean Expo, leading to a lot of disappointed, but well-fed, punters. / a lot of visitors who are disappointed, but well-fed.

Saturday, October 17
On Saturday, John Farnham’s tour will arrive in the Barossa Valley. Everyone will be so pissed on fine wine that while they will THINK they’re the voice, you may not understand them. But they’ll make a noise, and make it clear – aaaaauuuuuuaaauuaaaagh, aaaaauuuuuuaaaaaa-aaauuauuaaagh.

On Saturday, John Farnham’s tour will arrive in the Barossa Valley, just as Ron Barassi’s tour arrives in Farnhamland! Hmmm, not as funny this week.

On Saturday in Launceston, it’s the Australasian Supercross Championship. Best crucifix wins!

In Launceston on Saturday, it’s the Australasian Supercross Championship, which makes me not just angry, but super-cross.

On the Gold Coast, it’s Fresh-Fest 2009! The food’s so much better than at Fester-Fest.

On the Gold Coast, it’s Fresh-Fest 2009. Let one off!

On the Gold Coast, it’s Fresh-Fest 2009, kicking off with a parade of the Fresh-Fest Best-Dressed, before they let the Fresh-Fest Best-Dressed get refreshed and rest.

The World’s Funniest Island Festival will kick off on Sydney’s Cockatoo Island, but will face some stiff competition from Nauru. It’s made of poo, you know! POO!

The World’s Funniest Island Festival will kick off on Saturday. The winner looks to be Kickapupu. / Titibangbang-cockalot.

The World’s Funniest Island Festival will kick off in Sydney – turns out it’s Tassie AGAIN!

On the weekend Marilyn Manson’s tour will arrive in Brisbane, where he’ll try on boardies for the first time, and renounce the whole silly goth thing, becoming a surfie called ‘Mazza’.

Marilyn Manson’s tour will arrive in Brisbane. Interesting trivia fact: Marilyn isn’t his real name.

On Saturday, the best “up & comers” in Australian business will be revealed. I’m guessing interest rates.

Sunday, October 18
On Sunday in Adelaide, it’s CheeseFest 2009! The perfect festival to go with the Carnival of Port and Crackers.

On Sunday in Adelaide, it’s CheeseFest! And I’ll be there wearing my home-made cheese-vest.

In Melbourne, it’s the 2009 Irrigation conference will feature a lot of whinging farmers being really irrigating.

In Melbourne on Sunday, it’s the 2009 Irrigation conference, followed by the 2009 Irritation conference, where farmers will just whinge.

In Sydney, it’s the Teddy Bears Picnic, and once again a lot of food will go home uneaten.

In Sydney, the annual Teddy Bears Picnic will end in disaster when it’s invaded by a pack of real bears. Not so cute.

Monday, October 19
Next Monday is the Sunshine Coast Fashion Festival. Flouro board shorts are still in!