Glass House

Criminal Mind Starts Developing At 3 (The Glass House 22/6/05)

A new study has suggested that, left untreated, children as young as 3 years old can be identified as having criminal potential. kids with a criminal mind at 3 can develop into a psychopath by the age of 6, by the age of 11 can have genocidal tendencies, and by the time they’re 16 they’re ready to join the US Republican Party.

One kindergarten criminal interviewed was blasé about his crimes. He said that a recent spate of lolly-theiving from his classmates had been like taking candy from a baby.

“Oh, you’re all covered in red paint!” “Yeah, paint, that’s what it is.”

“That’s a lovely red fingerpainting dear!” (Mobster voice)“Ah, yeah, fingerpainting, that’s what it is.”

Criminal children are sent to the “naughty chair”, while really serious offenders are sent to the “electric chair”.

Police fear that there is a criminal boss of the kiddie underground, known only as “The Godson”…

There are all sorts of crimes these kiddies are committing: counterfeiting footy cards, selling black market lollies, blowing up the lego bank with pop-rocks and driving off in their getaway-cardboard box…

And let’s not even mention the adult-ophiles…

Some children are so disturbed that they become Jackson-ophiles…

Apparently Charles Manson used to cut up his Barbies, Adolf Hitler had a very morbid train set, and Saddam Hussein was infamous for gassing the local youth group…

In an attempt to reverse this trend, police have rewritten several children’s book classics: now, Goldilocks is done for breaking and entering, the Billy Goats Gruff are put away for greivous bodily harm to a troll, and the little pigs are charged with three counts of building without a permit.

…and “Who Stole The Cookie From the Cookie Jar” has become “Who Legally Purchased The Cookie From The Licensed Cookie Vendor”.

But all is not lost – you can turn a criminal mind to creative pursuits, for instance by calling cut-and-paste “a stick-up”…

So next time you’re around a kinder and someone’s threatening you with clag, be careful, it might be a stick-up.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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