Good News Week

FBI for Kids! (GNW 16/11/09: monologue)

The FBI have introduced a page on their website for kids!   Unfortunately it’s not a secure site.

I guess catching bin Laden was getting a bit hard.   But at least now they can colour him in!

You can learn about how the FBI works, how they take evidence, and all sorts of exciting things about clues, fingerprinting, and DNA.   So if you don’t decide to become a secret agent with the FBI, at least you’ll be able to become a super-criminal! / you’ll know how to remain undetectable. / know how to evade the authorities.

The FBI kids’ site contains games, although nothing nearly as fun as the al-Qaeda site’s flight simulator.   (“Look mummy, I got both towers!”)

There are heaps of games and activities which you’re obliged to do.

You can print out your own credentials, which are sufficient to allow you to search the homes of idiots.

You can print out your own credentials.   Fake ID has never been so child-friendly!

You can print out your own credentials, which are legal in 43 states! / which provide search powers in 43 states!

You can find out all about their fingerprint records.   They tell you how they now store most of their fingerprints digitally.   But they don’t tell you that they’re storing yours when you click the mouse.

There’s gun training.   Kids can help Special Agent Steve get a bullseye on his target by completing a maze.   I knew the FBI had access to advanced technology, but maze-solving bullets?   The crims don’t stand a chance!

There’s even a section on gun training.   Although it’s still only virtual – for the real thing, they’ll need to find a friendly criminal. / still have to ask their old man.

There’s a game where you can help intrepid agent Bobby Bureau try on all sorts of clever disguises, before his lunch break’s over and he has to return to his mundane desk job.

You can help an agent go undercover by disguising him with hair and false facial features.   You can then use him to provide you with intelligence on what everyone else has in their playlunch.

You can even learn how to go undercover.   The canteen will never know you were there. / Helps get out of yard duty. / Always handy when you’re called to the principal’s office.

You can help an agent go undercover by disguising him with hair and false facial features.   Or why not cross-dress J. Edgar Hoover?

You should check out their junior waterboard – it makes extracting evidence like a beach holiday!

And they get to play a virtual game, where little Ahkmed has a funny time on the waterboard!   Tell us the truth, silly Ahkmed!

The FBI are hoping to recruit kids into their ranks.   That way they can be not only undercover, but undertable.

It’s a great idea to encourage kiddies to become secret FBI agents.   What all parents want is a child who is constantly disappearing on adventures, disguising themselves as other children, and taking little Freddy into the cubby for “intense interrogation”.

Becaue what we really want to teach our kids is that sometimes, if you really want to, it’s okay to abduct people and subject them to hours of interrogation.

Here’s a quote from their section about interrogation.   “The examiner speaks in a professional and understanding way, trying to make the person being tested comfortable with telling the truth.”   Awwww.   Who would’ve guessed that making someone comfortable would involve so much punching? / so much electricity applied to the genitals? / so much cattle-prod sodomy?

It’s also got a section for parents and teachers.   Because sometimes when the naughty stool isn’t working, kids can do with a little extraordinary rendition.

They’re also launching a range of kids’ merchandise.   Look, it’s Torture-Me-Akhmad! / Guantana-me-Elmo! Just remove his head from the bag, and you can put him in the stress position, waterboard him, or collect the set to make your own naked pyramid!

You can pretend to be a secret agent, or even a superhero.   Watch out, it’s Guantanamo Boy!

Of course, the main reason kids check the website out is to give them an advantage in Cops n Robbers.

So kids, if your classmates won’t let you play Cops & Robbers, just bust the lot of them.

Being an FBI agent is just like playing Cops N Robbers, but instead of a stick you’ve got a real gun, and instead of a playground full of your friends, you’ve got a desk.   A lonely lonely desk.

Being an FBI agent is just like playing Cops N Robbers, but instead of a stick you’ve got a real gun, and instead of blowing away your friends in the playground, you’re blowing away kids wearing trenchcoats in the playground. / blowing away kids who are blowing away kids in the playground.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

Leave a Reply