Good News Week

Marked Crims (GNW 16/11/09: Strange But True)

In Chicago, a pair of would-be burglars apprehended by police were found to have disguised their faces with a black permanent marker.   They were marked bandits.

That permanent marker is going on their permanent records. / This is going on their permanent record, in permanent texta.

The pair refused to wear stockings over their heads. That’d look STUPID. / They didn’t want to look STUPID.

They were so hard up for cash they couldn’t even afford tights.

There’s no way they were putting their faces where ladies’ bottoms went.

Because it’s just so hard to find a decent stocking these days.

They were unlucky to get caught.   They were only breaking in to steal a couple of pairs of tights. / to steal a proper disguise.

Still, it was a better disguise than the robbery they did in biro.

It’s so stupid. They weren’t even doing the Jackson Jive!

The idiots have now had to aplogise to both the owners of the apartment they broke into, and to Harry Connick Jnr.

Who says blackface makes you look stupid?

The pair admit they were stupid. If they didn’t want to get caught, they should’ve got rid of the permanent texta with white-out.

Police were unconvinced by their very poor impersonation of the Jackson Two. / Jackson Five.   Even when they claimed their white hands were Michael.

Although they did get a very good score on Red Faces. / from Jackie Macdonald.

The disguises are great – if they’re hiding from Mr Squiggle.

Still, arriving at the police station with blackened faces made it much easier for the cops to beat the living shit out of them.

When they were arrested, the two insisted they were only being targeted because they were black.

They’re sure learnt their lesson. Next time, they’re going to use fluoros and glitter.

Police say a long prison sentence should teach them to stick within the lines.   (Of the law.)

They’re expected to face a prison sentence almost long enough to let the texta fade.

One of the thieves drew on a full beard.   Burgling just made him feel so studly.

If you think that’s a pretty poor beard, you should see the one he tried to grow.

One of the thieves tried to draw on a Zorro mask.   Sorry, a BIRO mask.

Unfortunately having your face permanently marked with a Zorro mask is a real turn on for a certain type of cellmate.

They should have spent more time preparing, and less time sniffing textas.

When they were apprehended, they tried to get out of it by claiming they were just really lame maoris.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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