Top tips and hints
STRAIGHT out of the Family Circle editor's waste-basket, this is a short list of Top-Tips and Handy-Hints that never made it to the presses.
HELP the local police by popping in to the mortuary each day to see if you can identify any of the bodies.
J. Lewis Maitland, NSW
NEVER do your shoelaces up in a revolving door.
Mr M. Adeye Churchill, QLD
HELP blind people in the post office by licking their stamps for them, or teach their dogs to do so.
J. Lewis Maitland, NSW
HANG Brussel Sprouts on the end of a piece of string. Hey Presto! Edible Christmas decorations for the kids.
Mrs I. Jones Holmwiew, QLD
GOLFERS! Empty egg boxes make ideal containers for your golf balls. Except that they're a little bit too small.
A. Simmons Cheltenham, NSW
USING string, nails and pulleys, it is possible to turn on the taps in the bathroom from your living room.
E. Barnpot Manning, WA
A CORK dangling from the end of a long stick can be used to chase flies harmlessly out the window.
Mrs Doris Peterson Aroona, QLD
WHEN searching under the table for a hatpin, I always wear my husband's motorcycle helmet as I invariably bump my head when getting up again.
Mrs. N. Coquet Beenleigh, QLD
DON'T invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of 'cold turkey' embarrassing or offensive.
Steven Howlett Bagdad, TAS
SILENCE your windy bottom by pulling apart your buttocks before you break wind. Hey Presto! No embarrassing 'fart' noise.
S. Priestly Parsons Bridge, QLD
AVOID soiling your trousers by not pulling apart your buttocks when you think you are about to break wind.
S. Priestly Parsons Bridge, QLD
CONVINCE friends that you have become a member of the Socialist Workers' party by standing on street corners and ranting away on subjects about which you know nothing, and never washing.
Karl Lyall Woolloomooloo, NSW
SAVE time when playing darts by attaching a length of string to each dart. After throwing, a sharp tug on the string will return the darts to you.
Patrick Matthews Macquarie, ACT
When it's your round, carry all the drinks back by covering them with cling wrap and putting them in your pockets.
D. Porter Rokeby, VIC
OFFICE managers, encourage primeval 'hunter-gatherer' instincts among staff by hiding nuts and berries about your office to enable them to forage for food at lunch time.
R. Villa Argentina
KEEP the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Dave Parsnip Strathfield, NSW
SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and going to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there.
S. Shepherd Ponsonby, NZ
Fumes from burning settees can be lethal, so before sitting down always look around and plan your escape route in the event of a fire.
D. Purnell Tuross Head, NSW
A FEW drops of ordinary car engine oil mixed with your maple syrup helps it flow more smoothly from the tin.
Dave Moore Highgate, WA
AVOID cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
I. J. Alexander Gosford, NSW
SAVE electricity. Turn all your lights out and walk around the house wearing a miner's hat.
D. Purvis Masterton, NZ
WHEN a program you dislike comes on TV simply turn down the volume and close your eyes until it is finished.
J Drallop Daymar, QLD
'FAST FOOD' restaurants. Don't waste valuable milk powder making 'milk shakes'. Chicken fat is much cheaper, and just as delicious once the sugar is added.
A. Warnington Hyde Park, SA
AVOID laziness by screwing your TV remote control to a piece of furniture at least ten feet from your chair.
Hapag Lloyd Murray Town, SA
RECORD the sound of your wife having an orgasm, then listen to the tape through headphones the next time you make love. That way you can have sex without waking her up.
Frank Wilson Chittering, WA
CAN'T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling wrap and press them into your eyes.
D. Stokes Bentleigh East, VIC
SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate.
Mr KVL 741 Jesmond, NSW
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