We Are Australians!
WE, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional
wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come
from New Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the
world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we
bloody like.
We are One Nation but we're divided into many States:
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in
lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte,
grand-final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose
chief marketing pitch is that "it's livable". At least that's what
they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar,
thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital,
Sydney, has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud
of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up
their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains
separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a state based on the notion that the
family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an
extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the
sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting,
which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation.
Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and
barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a
queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of
Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main
claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it
did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA
was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still
work there in the government and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains,
sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackeroos, Emus, Uluru
and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer
consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the
highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is
the centre piece of our national culture, few of us live there and the
rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland... While any mention of God seems silly in a
document defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting
that God probably made Queensland - it's beautiful one day and perfect
the next. Why he filled it with duckheads (say it like an All Black)
remains a mystery.
Oh yes, and there's the ACT (Canberra). The least said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous
twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are
united in our lust for international recognition. Not that we're
whingeing; we leave that to our Pommie immigrants. We want to make "no
worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national
attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem. (So what if it's
about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide??)
We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a
sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in
the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby,
AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest
rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed
Olympians in the known universe.
We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by
lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded,
sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.
I am, you are, we are Australian.
_____________________
Number of Raters:
33
Average Rating:
7.42
Rate this e-Spam: