Top Tips From Viz
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
at people as they walk up the aisle.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in
the first place, you fat bastards.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full
of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the
bath.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home
by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed,
lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over
the fence.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
X-Files fans. Create thee ffect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place
the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
the object you wish to view.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada
Hawthorn fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by
masturbating furiously with your left arm too.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
pissing in the sink.
Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by
buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next
fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc tastes exactly like the real thing, they won't know any
difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt
be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about
yours, and ask for a nice steak.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle
the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the
washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has
gone.
Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction feel by reading the last frames of
cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your loft.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen,
sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and
driving the wrong way up one way streets.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin
in a bowl of iron fillings.
Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by
ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coat and parking a Haulpak
or similar outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights
in your house during the night and replace the Haulpak unseen, with a Tonka
toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on
toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Small car drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars
anyway, so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep.
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