Glass House

Tests on experimental drug hold out the promise of a clever pill (The Glass House 8/6/05)

Tests on experimental drug hold out the promise of a clever pill says the Sydney Morning Herald about a new drug called ampakine. We say:

It’s going to make medical exams a lot less gruelling. In fact the main assessment will just be based on which pill you’ve prescribed yourself.

I actually ordered a pack of those pills myself. Now if only I could remember where I put them…

The pills are so smart that they’ll actually do your essays for you. Though they do have difficulty holding the pen.

Some people have cut ampakine with ecstasy. That way you can actually remember how good the rave was.

The new smart pill doesn’t produce any of the jitters associated with caffeine or amphetamines. But hopefully they’ll develop a jitter pill soon enough so we can properly recreate the experience of a cappuccino.

One neurosurgeon warns that they are going to be like steroids for the brain. Indeed, in the future, we’ll be seeing Mr Universe-Brain contests where competitors show off their bulging cortex. (enormous head flexing)

Still, you’re fooling yourself if you think that popping a pill before an exam is going to be any substitute for good honest cheating.

The smart pill is perfect for helping you pass exams, but you’ve gotta write the answers really small…

The smart pill enhances short term memory – if you remember to take it.

Research suggests that there’s a rising level of dementia, explaining the popularity of Big Brother – and recent election results.

It makes you alert and attentive; it’s going to be compulsory for students, truck drivers and anyone trying to sit through the X-Factor…

Men who took the placebo fell asleep within three minutes, while ampakine users were wide awake. “Haven’t slept so well in ages,” yawned one participant. “I’ve gotta get me some of that placebo.”

I can see the future of learning: students pop a few pills, then the teacher turns on the Education Channel. In fact, in some of the outer suburbs, the future’s already here…

These pills are so smart they’re taking all the places at Unis… while suppositories still have to go to TAFE.

In a recent drug mix-up, an outdoor doof turned into a spelling bee, while the latest Mensa gathering fully went off!

The government is worried about students getting an unfair advantage by using the pills. What are they worried about? With the VSU and the eroding of the public benefits scheme, students could never afford a prescription.

A lot of students have taken the drug, wisened up, and quit Uni…

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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