Glass House

Up the Pecking Order (The Glass House 15/6/05)

In our modern society, where we have smaller backyards and no time to walk the dog, chickens are becoming increasingly popular as pets. “They lay eggs and they are a fantastic garbage disposal unit,” said vet Dr Anne Fowler. “And they’re one of the few pets that really roast well.”

It’s less wasteful. Instead of burying Fido under his favourite tree, now you can pop him in the oven at 180…

And chook eggs definitely taste better than dog eggs…

Worried about declining sales, Shmackos are launching a new range of chicken pellets. And if they don’t sell, they’re just going to push their chicken-flavoured range of dog treats.

Lizards and rats are also becoming more popular as pets. Less popular as meals though.

One of the benefits of owning a chook is that it will eat all your household waste. Though be careful; some have been known to choke on the chicken bones.

One of the benefits of owning a chook is that it will eat all your household waste. In fact, some modern sinks are installed with an “Inchickenator”… (shoving motion and crazed clucking)

You can teach them tricks; teach them to roll-over and you won’t need a rotisserie.

The Blind Association has also started to take on seeing-eye chickens to take the place of dogs. Apparently chickens are excellent at crossing the road. They really want to get to the other side.

The police are also starting to use guard chickens in apprehending criminals. They’re trained to go right for the pecker…

Chickens are better than other pets: they can lay eggs, guard the house, are loyal, child-friendly, intelligent, and still taste great stuffed with their own giblets.

Chickens are very popular, especially the Little Red Hen. She plants the wheat, harvests the grains, makes the flour, bakes the cake, and still tastes great stuffed with her own giblets.

The recycling process is brilliant: the chicken eats household waste, the dog eats the chicken, we eat the dog, and then scrape the waste into the chicken food.

And have you ever tried a doona stuffed with dog hair? Every time you go to wash it it jumps out of the washing machine…

I wonder if couples are now having sex chicken-style… Or you could do it eggy-style, and just get laid…

A rooster can also be used as an alarm-cock… and there’s nothing better than a cock to wake you up in the mornings.

A rooster also makes a great alarm-clock… and if you hit the snooze button hard enough, you’ll have Sunday lunch covered…

Rather than kitty litter, chook owners are buying Chicken Litter. It’s not quite as absorbent, but it lets you know when the sky is falling…

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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