Good Next Week (Good News Week 11/2/08: closing)

As part of Japan’s Hadaka Matsuri, or Naked Festival, flights from Germany will be very popular / half-price.

Feb. 15 is Hadaka Matsuri (the Naked Festival) in Japan. A load of German naturists will be arriving by plane, and will be horrified that the Japanese wear loincloths.

Feb. 15 is Hadaka Matsuri (the Naked Festival) in Japan. It’s different to many naked festivals elsewhere in the world, in that virtually nobody involved is actually naked.

Friday marks the beginning of Japan’s Naked Festival, and a new alliance with Germany: the Axis of Nudity.

On Feb. 16, it’s one year since Britney shaved her head, and about 5 minutes since the paparazzi showed us where else she shaves.

On the first anniversary of shaving her head, Britney Spears will admit it was a terrible mistake. She’d meant to shave her snatch.

Saturday marks one year since Britney shaved her head; wear a skullcap to celebrate!

The hair’s now available on eBay, and it’s actually turned out to be the most talented part of her.

The hair’s actually gone on to a successful solo career.

Britney’s hair is now appearing in the semi-finals of “So You Think You Can Dance”.

Saturday marks one year since Britney shaved her head; this year, she plans to shave the inside.

Saturday marks one year since Britney shaved her head; this year, she plans to cover herself in rotting beaver carcasses.

On Feb. 17, Paris Hilton will turn 27 – rock death age. Oh please, oh please… / Well, we can hope.

On Feb. 17, Paris Hilton will turn 27, the same age that Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison died. (cross fingers) Here’s hoping…

On Feb. 17, Paris Hilton will turn 27, the same age that Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison died. Where’s the justice?

On Feb. 17, Paris Hilton will turn 27. Soon, very soon, she’ll just be an old skanky nobody, and we can all pretend she never existed. Ahhh.

Paris Hilton turns 27, and is expected to receive gifts of the latest trendy clothing: rotting beaver carcasses.

On Feb. 17, Paris Hilton will turn 27. It’s a difficult age for her –too young to be fully respected, yet too old for porn.

On Feb. 17, Paris Hilton will turn 27. So that’s 189 in dog years.

On Feb. 17, Paris Hilton will turn 27. But what do you get the girl who’s got everything? Well, maybe some undies. / some talent. / some dignity. / some privacy. / a damn good spanking.

After apologising, the government has pledged to clean up after itself, not talk back, and to never, ever, run with scissors.

After apologising, the government has revealed that its fingers were crossed behind its back the whole time. Kevin Rudd, in a release to the media, has said “You fell for it! I can’t believe you actually fell for it!” before suggesting that the aboriginal people couldn’t retaliate because he was “barley”.

And following on from Tuesday’s apology to the stolen generation, Kevin Rudd will prepare an apology on behalf of the United Nations to all New York strippers…

And following on from Tuesday’s apology to the stolen generation, Kevin Rudd will prepare an apology for the rest of Australia. “Sorry, I really don’t know what I’m doing!” / “Sorry, oops, er, I really didn’t think I’d win.”

And following on from the Australian Government’s long-overdue “sorry”, the Aboriginal people will spend a decade or so trying to work out the right wording for “thanks”.

And following on from the Australian Government’s long-overdue “sorry”, the indigenous people of Australia will reply with a long-overdue, “Well, sorry isn’t good enough.” / “No, say it like you mean it.” / “Well, just don’t do it again.”

And following on from the Australian Government’s long-overdue “sorry”, the indigenous people of Australia will respond with a special replying-ceremony known as the “Fuck you, buddy”.

And following on from the Australian Government’s long-overdue “sorry”, the indigenous people of Australia will respond by stealing a generation of white kiddies. I mean, fair’s fair.

And following on from Kevin Rudd’s apology to the stolen generations, Morris Iemma will begin wording an apology to Melbourne.

Ben Cousin will prepare for his celebrity boxing match on Feb. 27, and his laborious reassembly on the 28th, 29th and 30th.

Ben Cousin will prepare for his celebrity boxing match on Feb. 27, and his cosmetic surgery on the 29th.

Ben Cousins will prepare for KO Drugs: his celebrity boxing match on Feb. 27 against a very large rugby league player called Sonny Bill. He’s going to need some serious drugs for that. / Obviously high when he agreed to that. / What was he on?

Ben Cousins will prepare for his celebrity boxing match on Feb. 27, the World Boxing Association’s annual “KO to Drugs” bout. He should be fine – he’s spent the last 10 years saying “OK to Drugs”. Oh, KO. Well, he’s fucked then.

BHP is till trying to take over Rio Tinto, and, if successful, will start bidding on the moon. / will begin buying out the 7 Planes of Hell. / will attempt downsizing the biosphere.

BHP’s attempted takeover of Rio Tinto will be followed by a bid to take out a majority stakeholding in the human soul. Expected opposition from major deities will not eventuate.

BHP will again attempt to become one of the world’s five largest companies, purely by chewing on beaver carcasses.

And while the Clintons, Obama, McCain and Huckabee squabble amongst themselves, Dubya is still sitting in front of the TV with his Xbox, trying to work out how to turn off this boring “Iraq War” and play “Monkey Tetris” instead.

And while the Clintons, Obama, McCain and Huckabee squabble amongst themselves, Dubya will just sit at home and cackle. / will just spend the day as usual, sacrificing children to the Altar of Moloch.

With John McCain sealing the Republication nomination for US President, defeated candidates Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney will return to their home towns to console themselves by beating up a few abortionists.

John McCain will seal the nomination as Republican candidate for the US Presidential election, despite conservative commentators saying he will destroy the party. Oh, come on. Any party that can survive 8 years of Dubya must be indestructible.

John McCain will seal the nomination as Republican candidate for the US Presidential election, despite conservative commentators saying he will destroy the party. That’s the plan – first the party, then Iran.

America will continue voting in presidential primaries to determine who will get to screw the Middle East up next.

George Dubya Bush will address the issue of the Presidential Primaries in a new speech titled “Hello? Leader of the Free World over here!”

George Dubya Bush will address the issue of the Presidential Primaries in a new speech titled “Don’t Worry, Everything’s Fine Now.” / “Why I Totally Kick Ass.”

And for Valentine’s Day, Wayne Carey will give his girlfriend a big bunch of fives.

In cricket, India and Australia will put aside their differences and agree to never call each other “monkeys”, instead using the traditional term “pig-dog”. / “fuck-knuckle”.

And Ray Martin has taken his candle and gone home.

And with Ray Martin quitting Channel 9, Carols by Candlelight will at long last be hosted by Humphrey.

And with Ray Martin quitting Channel 9, Carols by Candlelight will finally be axed, and replaced with “Sea-shanties with a Torch.” / “Humming with Matches.” / “Whistling in the Dark.”

And with Ray Martin quitting Channel 9, Richard Wilkins will at last become their most respected journalist.

Ray Martin has quit Channel Nine. It was either that or cover himself in rotting beaver carcasses.

Ray Martin quits Channel 9 – he finally realised that the whole station was a total crock of shit. / was a massive turd sandwich.

A woman stabbed pilots on board an Air New Zealand flight. It took so long for the passengers to realise what was going on, because they thought the pilots had just been “stebbed”.

The entire Church of Scientology is to be “systematically dismantled” by hacker-super-group called “Anonymous”… They say “We are legion. We do not forgive. We do not forget. Expect us.” Looks like the real thetans just showed up… / Looks like Xenu has finally had enough. / Looks like Xenu’s cracked the shits.

In Germany, the flying naturists have become so popular that they’re funding a movie starring Samuel L Jackson. It’s called “Naked On A Plane”. It’s terrifying – especially when Jackson is attacked by what looks like a python… but isn’t.