Tuesday, September 08
On Tuesday, Pink will turn 30! Hopefully for her birthday someone will buy her some clothes. / some pants.
Tomorrow, Pink will turn 30, although she’s spent less than 24 of those years in Australia. / on her current tour.
The inquiry into the Parliamentary Superannuation Reduction Bill will report in Canberra – or as it’s also known, the Crap-on Compensation Reduction Scheme.
Wednesday, September 09
Wednesday’s Writers Festival in Brisbane will go horribly wrong when both of them reach for the bong at the same time, and spill it all over the pumpkin scones.
The Gold Coast will host the ITU Triathlon World Championships, this year with a twist – you’ve gotta do it blindfolded!
On Wednesday, Perth will be the scene of the International Conference For Mine Closures – and who says Perth doesn’t know how to party?
On Wednesday, Perth will be the scene of the International Conference For Mine Closures. Perth always seems to get the left-over conferences.
Perth will be the scene of the International Conference For Mine Closures. All the world’s big mine closures will be in attendance, with the keynote speaker to be the Beaconsfield Mine Disaster Temporary Hiatus.
The World Draught Master Final, aiming to find the Australian bartender who can pour the perfect beer,
will be held in Sydney on Wednesday. Immediately followed by the World Streetfighting Championships, the Global Kebabathon, and MasterChuck. / Immediately followed by the World Pickup Championships, the Global Grope-Off, and the International Finals in Brewers’ Droop.
The World Draught Master Final, aiming to find the Australian bartender who can pour the perfect beer, will be held in Sydney. One event where you don’t want to get too much head start.
Wednesday’s World Draught Master Final will find our best beer-puller. Sorry, world-class farters – wrong type of draft master.
Canberra will hold a hearing into the economic future of the Indian Ocean territories, and will find them sadly unable to compete with territories which are land-based.
Canberra will hold a hearing into the economic future of the Indian Ocean territories – as though it’s any of Canberra’s business.
On Wednesday, Sydney will host the Ultimate Wedding Planning Party. Looks like someone’s been knocked up…
Sydney will host the Ultimate Wedding Planning Party – for the ultimate in migraine and stress-induced nervous breakdown!
On Wednesday, Sydney intends to host the Ultimate Wedding Planning Party. Well, we’ll see how it all pans out – it’ll either be that, or the Ultimate Abortion Party.
Thursday, September 10
Canberra will host the “Switch To Green” conference. Easy for them – it’s legal there. / Bloody dope-addicts…
Friday, September 11
On Friday, an exhibition called “Mrs. Prime Minister” will open in Canberra. Although Kevin actually prefers to be called Big Momma.
An exhibition called “Mrs. Prime Minister” will open in Canberra, featuring all the Prime Ministers’ wives through to Janette Howard. Therese Rein will have her own exhibition: “Ms. Self-Made Millionaire Defined Independently From Her Husband’s Success”.
The George Munster Award for independent journalism will be announced in Sydney, along with the Herman Munster Award for independent monsterism.
The George Munster Award for independent journalism will be announced in Sydney, followed by the Gomez Addams Award for mysterious and kooky journalism.
Finland will host the World Karaoke Championships. Is it any coincidence that the Finnish suicide rate is one of the highest in the world?
Saturday, September 12
On Saturday, it’s the Albino Fellowship Conference in Brisbane. Looks like everyone gets a conference but me.
In Brisbane, it’s the Albino Fellowship Conference. They’re hoping for some heat-stroke, just for a little colour.
In Canberra, it’s Floriade, the festival of flowers! They’re like living fireworks that are small, silent, and legal.
In Canberra, it’s Floriade, the festival of flowers! Now they they’ve banned fireworks, they’re all the colour Canberra’s got.
Sunday, September 13
Shane Warne will turn 40. Get him a new ringtone!
New York will host the MTV Music Awards, making for an unusual predominance of Broadway showtunes.
The Property Council of Australia will hold their 2009 Congress on Hamilton Island. Mmm, nice bit of property.
Monday, September 14
Next week is National Stroke Week, at least down the entire right hand side of the country.
Next week is National Stroke Week, so raise some dollars in the Paralyse-a-thon.
In Melbourne, the AFL will hold the All-Australian dinner – Maccas in front of the TV.
Canberra will host the International Student Roundtable. The students will enjoy being knights – especially since they don’t do mornings.
Canberra will host the International Student Roundtable, where they will discuss exactly how they’re going to pull that damn sword out of the stone.
In Canberra, one year on from delivering his climate change report, Professor Ross Garnaut will speak on Australia’s policy options – there’s the far-too-weak option, or the not nearly-strong-enough option.
In Canberra, one year on from delivering his climate change report, Professor Ross Garnaut will speak on Australia’s policy options, wearing his sad face. / will speak on Australia’s policy options, slowly, loudly, and with words no longer than one syllable.
In Canberra, one year on from delivering his climate change report, Professor Ross Garnaut will speak on Australia’s policy options – there’s the weak option, the not nearly-strong-enough option, or the oh-my-god-what-are-you-doing option. Which is no doubt the one the government will choose.
