The Sideshow Ep. 4: monologue material

In Canada, an MP has launched a petition to have Bigfoot protected as an endangered species. He says that if we don’t protect it, its native habitat will be totally overrun by Unicorns.

In Canada, an MP has launched a petition to have Bigfoot protected as an endangered species. So far he’s got signatures from environmentalists, animal activists, three Yetis and the Loch Ness Monster.

He claims that, without immediate and drastic action, this potentially-beautiful creature might or might not totally disappear from wherever it may or may not currently exist, if it actually does. And that could probably be a real shame, quite possibly.

The guy in the Bigfoot costume agreed. He’s tired of having to dodge hunters.

Is he only protecting the one? Surely he should be protecting all Bigfeet.

His position was immediately backed by The Oversized Cobblers’ Union.

“Did you know that every Bigfoot that’s ever been found has since disappeared!”

Did you know that Bigfoot populations have dropped to almost zero?

Surely before you protect Bigfoot, you need to collect some evidence that they exist! Just one Bigfoot dropping would be enough.

He’s fighting for a total ban on the sale of all Bigfoot-based products, including umbrella holders, fluffy slippers and Yeti milk.

How’s he intend to protect the Bigfeet exactly? Set up reserves to isolate the younglings? What is a young Bigfoot called anyway, a Littlebigfoot?

Mike Lake wants to “establish immediate comprehensive legislation to effect immediate protection of Bigfoot.” But has anyone checked his shoe size?

But the proposal has drawn criticism from many quarters, especially from Yetis. / the Smallfoot.

A Canadian MP wants Bigfoot protected as an endangered species. Sorry, as an imaginary species.

But what about the livelihood of the thousands of Bigfoot poachers?

Frankly, if Bigfoot is real, I think we are the ones who are going to need protection…

The Fictional Creatures Hunters’ Union are up in arms about the decision. “With such a huge Bigfoot population, what chance will the Banshees have?”

The MP wants the Bigfoot protected, so that all those deranged people trying to catch them can be redeployed to fight the real menace – the Werewolves!

Smallfoot has been disappointed at not being included in the protection. “I never get the press.”

***

In New York, “Spiderman: The Broadway Musical” is being cast. Music & lyrics by Bono & The Edge. Yes, they’re still alive. And no, neither of them have proper names yet.

Of course, Spiderman features a man in a tight fitting, colourful costume prancing around and shooting white goo about, so it’s ready-made for musical theatre. / so the critics already love it. / so John Michael Howson is already totally behind it.

Music & lyrics are by Bono & The Edge. Bono should be careful around Spiderman. Didn’t he used to call himself The Fly?

Songs that the U2 stars will be including include “Spidey Bloody Spidey”, “Priderman” and “Stuck in a Web You Can’t Get Out Of”.

They’re redoing some of their old classic U2 hits: “Sunday Webby Sunday”, “Spider of Harlem”, and “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For – But My Spidey-Senses Are Tingling”.

They’re basing it on classic musicals of old. Songs include “Climb Ev’ry Building”, “These Are a Few of My Favourite Webs”, and “How do you solve a problem like Dr Octopus”…

U2 have had a long association with Spiderman. They taught him How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb.

U2 have had very little influence on the overall storyline. Although Spiderman does now fly around on a giant lemon.

Bono has taken some liberties withthe script: instead of fighting Dr Octopus or the Green Goblin, Spidey takes on the evil G8!

It’s not surprising U2 have gotten into musical theatre. That rock’n’roll career was just going nowhere.

Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen Jr are putting together their own musical, called “What Are We Supposed To Do While You Egomaniacs Are Making Your Musical, Eh?”

Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen Jr are putting together their own musical, called “Is It Too Late To Come Up With A Cool Stagename?” / “Why Didn’t We Think Of Having Cool Pseudonyms Like Those Guys?”

Bono and The Edge have written “Spiderman: The Musical”. Now there’s an odd sentence.

In the musical, teenager Peter Parker is bitten by a radioactive spider and given superhuman strength, night vision and the ability to sing, sing, sing!

The Musical follows Spiderman’s quest to Make Poverty History and save the world by singing. And he doesn’t wear that blue-and-red suit, he wears a cowboy hat and wrap-around sunglasses. Otherwise the story’s pretty much unchanged. Oh, and the giant lemon.

***

A U.S. army officer has been accused of aiding the enemy after claims he gave Saddam Hussein items like Cuban cigars & hair dye before his execution. That’s “aiding the enemy”? I wonder what giving him cheap deals on wheat is called… / massive kickbacks is called…

Lieutenant-Colonel William Steele argues that giving Saddam cigars wasn’t aiding him at all, but brutally murdering him with mouth cancer, lung cancer, emphysema, and gangrene of the foot.

It was actually part of their original death sentence – a slow and painful death by cancer.

The officer also said he agreed with Saddam’s death sentence, although he would have preferred death by skydiving. It’s just more fun.

They save the torture and sleep deprivation for the suspected enemy combatants. For the evil tyrant it’s champagne and caviar!

If the hair dye and Cuban cigars didn’t break the dictator’s will, they were thinking of offering him a gold palace and statues of himself in the city streets…

George Bush wanted to set a precedent so that when he gets tried for his crimes against humanity he’ll be able to get a decent smoke.

Saddam also asked for gold bars on his jail cell.

So giving Saddam cigars is “aiding the enemy”. The CIA might’ve trained and armed him – but at least they never gave him cigars.

Cuban cigars and hair dye – nothing but the best for the most evil dictator in the world!

You’d expect Saddam Hussein to smoke Cuban cigars -evil dictators just don’t go for ultra-thin menthols.

Saddam had to be given Cuban cigars; those Mexican knock-offs just weren’t acceptable to our Public Enemy #1.

Saddam was also offered a holiday at Dubya’s ranch. That’ll teach him.

So Saddam dyed his hair! If only the Iraqi people had known, they might have overthrown him themselves!

It’s all part of an ingenious plan: once he sees Saddam Hussein getting to smoke Cuban cigars, Osama will just give himself up!

But what if Saddam had used the hair dye and cigars to make an explosive rocket-propelled death machine?

He was also hanged with only the finest quality Persian rope.

The Saddam hanging was also delayed a few hours while they found a bottle of Grange Hermitage and some caviar.

It was part of an ingenious torture – they held the Cubans just out of reach until he told them where the WMDs were.

Well, since it turned out he didn’t actually have any WMDs after all, we kinda owed him a few special treats.

If they ever manage to overthrow Fidel Castro, he won’t get such good treatment – only Iraqi cigars for him!

Cuban cigars and hair dye? No wonder the Bushes hated Saddam – he was the Iraqi Bill Clinton!

Lieutenant-Colonel William Steele considers himself a “humanitarian” & felt “compelled to make prisoners’ lives better”. So I’m guessing he wasn’t the one who pulled the lever at the gallows…

***

The Catholic Church in England & Wales is using a Japanese style manga comic strip to attract teenagers to the priesthood. The church hopes to improve the image of religious life, which leaders believe is seen as “monotonous & boring.” Coz it’s not, of course. Spending all your time worshipping God and reading the Bible is a hoot!

The strip features a crazy fantasy world involving a Master of the Universe named “God” vanquishing evil!

In fact, they’re rewriting the Bible as a manga comic: instead of walking on water, Jesus hovers over it by activating his Level 5 Neon Dragon-power!

The church’s manga features pictures of monks playing pool & surfing the ‘Net. Gee, that’s action packed. Forget Superman! / In issue three they even partake in a round of Kerplunk!

“Manga characters are popular with young people from the age of 10 up to mid-20s & we thought it would be a way to help them use their imagination when thinking about the priesthood.” Of course they want the kiddies to use their imaginations – how else are they going to believe in god?

Yeah, well, you need some imagination to believe in a world full of angels and demons and beasts with 7 heads and 10 horns and people coming back from the dead…

Early editions of the comic include “Father Shizuo Takes Confession!!!”, “Action-Cardinal Prays!!!”, and the edge-of-your-seat “Akira Remains Celibate!!!”

The manga strip will be on-line & feature characters like G-Zus, with Golden Throwing Halo Attack; Moze-S, with Super-Action Water-Parting and Noh-R, with Resplendent Ark Powers!

The comic follows the standard superhero story. The priest saves the world, gets the girl – and then gives her back again.

If they’re trying to reclaim the 10-20 year olds, they should make their own version of Big Brother! They could call it… Big Father. He’s always watching… No prize money, just eternal salvation or everlasting torment! And the voting isn’t done by SMS – it’s done by prayer. And when someone’s evicted, they don’t just get kicked out, they get smote! / plagued by locusts! / struck by lightning! / struck down! / cast into the lake of fire!

To try to reclaim the 10-20 year olds, the Catholics are also producing gangsta-rap. Their first release is from Snoop Goddy God and the Dope Pope.

They’re also introducing action figures. They confess, they genuflect – and check out their power-pray!

And if you push this button, and they guilt their enemies into submission!

The Catholics are also going to try to recruit kids by getting into fast food. For just three hail Marys you can get a can of Blood-of-Christ Cola. It’s light on the sin so you can slam it down fast! Aah, that’s refreshing – and redeeming!

Catholics are also getting into fast food; four hail Marys will buy a Hot God in a Body-of-Christ roll with stigmato sauce.

Comic book fans are dubious. They reckon, if it ain’t broke, don’t crucifix it.

APOLOGIES

The Manga Catholic priests were going to be on the show tonight but they were flat out surfing the net. Life in the fast lane! / Those guys never stop!

Paris Hilton was booked to come on the show tonight, but she’s in jail. But she did send us this message: “Hey guys, like, I’m totally sorry I couldn’t make it, but I just booked into this totally cool hotel, and they love me so much they like totally don’t want me to leave! We’re all dressed in this totally wild new fashion, and it’ll be great when I wanna cocktail or something, coz they say like the whole place is covered with bars! ”

Paris Hilton couldn’t be with us because she’s still picking out what prison outfit goes with her shoes.

Paris Hilton couldn’t be here; she’s filming her new reality show “The Prison Life” / “It Sure Aint The Hilton”.

Paris Hilton couldn’t be with us – not because she’s in jail but because without a mobile, a Chihuahua and a continuous stream of toyboys, she doesn’t know what she’s doing.

Paris said “I wasn’t drinking and driving – I was driving and drinking.”

Paris doesn’t mind going to jail. Just so long as she can still drive.

—

We were hoping to have Qantas on the show tonight, but unfortunately they couldn’t get 50% of their shareholders to agree.

Qantas couldn’t be here tonight because they’re not sure who owns them anymore.

Qantas couldn’t be here tonight because ASIC wouldn’t let them…

Qantas couldn’t be on the show tonight because it’s a large corporation with offices in all capital cities and couldn’t fit backstage.

—

Bigfoot couldn’t be here tonight; he claims he doesn’t exist.

Bigfoot couldn’t be here tonight. We asked Bighead if he would come on instead, but he’s busy hosting 20-1.

Bigfoot couldn’t be here tonight; he refuses to believe we actually exist.

—

Peter Costello couldn’t be here tonight. We tried to get him to shift his other appointment but he wouldn’t budge it…

—

Pete Doherty was going to be on the show tonight, but he’s been arrested again for possessing “banned drugs”. “Well of course they’re band drugs,” he said in a statement to the media, “I wasn’t gunna take them all myself.”

NEXT WEEK

Next week’s the Eurovision Song Contest – and it’s like the 90’s never happened…

It’s International Day of the Family – although personally I don’t think you should give Charles Manson his own day.

It’s International Day of the Family. Charles Manson said if we didn’t give him a day, he’d just take it anyway…

It’ll be International Day of the Family – and then we can go back to ignoring them for another 364 days of sweet bliss…

Mother’s Day tomorrow is followed on Tuesday by International Day of the Family, when she has to share all those chocolates with you.

Of course it’s Mother’s Day tomorrow, so if you haven’t bought a present yet, it might be time to sneak down the supermarket and buy a box of choccies.

Tomorrow’s Mothers’ Day – the only time of the year when Anthony Callea and Guy Sebastian sell any records…

England will host the FA Cup, whereas over here we’ll have the Sweet FA cup.

It’s time for the F.A. Cup final in England, and, with a predicted score of Nil All, we learn the true meaning of F.A…

Stallone’s human growth hormone case will be back in court, and he’ll reveal his ingenious legal strategy of shouting “Johnny!” and mowing everyone down in a hail of machinegun fire…

Sly Stallone has banned Aussie journalists from his press conferences, fearing awkward questions about his hormone smuggling. Unfortunately it’s opened him up to awkward questions from the rest of the world about banning Aussie journos…