The Sideshow Ep. 9: monologue material

In the US, anti-terror chiefs have hired a team of science-fiction writers to dream up new techniques to win the war on terror. After all, it is a fictional war on an imaginary enemy.

The Americans have been great at inventing vibrant characters, bizarre plotlines and fabricated evidence, they just need a bit of help with the ending.

It’s good to see Dubya isn’t desperate. / clutching at straws. / turning to ludicrous ideas from the very bottom of the barrel.

If only they’d done this before the War on Iraq! Then we could’ve concentrated on fighting the real enemy – the Martian Rebels!

US anti-terror chiefs have hired a team of science-fiction authors to dream up techniques to fight al-Qaeda. They’re also going to be invaluable in the fight against Ming the Merciless and Xorctron of the Planet Skwark. / in the fight against the Daleks. / in the fight against the BrainBugs from Bulbous 9. / in the Battle of the Planets.

One idea is brain scanners attached to sniffer dogs. When the dogs smell bombs or drugs or a Koran or something, the security guards will simply read the minds of their dogs, and know exactly what their dogs have found! (tuning into dog’s mind) “What’s that Rover? He’s got a bomb? And a bag of Goodos!”

“Yes, Rover? You know where Osama is? Fantastic! Let’s get him! What’s that? You wanna go walkies first?”

At last we’ll be able to retire poor old Scooby Doo.

An alternate plan is to just hire Scooby Doo. Because he can talk.

The sci-fi authors are pleased. Previously the only ideas writers been able to get implemented were those action- dramas about planes flying into buildings…

They’ve already worked out a great way to catch bin Laden – just reverse the polarity of the neutron flow and bingo! / simply create a wormhole in time and space, and just find the parallel dimension where he’s already been captured.

Dubya’s so excited. He’s been wanting to get his own robot army for years!

Simply contact our nearest intergalactic conquerors, and tell them that “Al Qaida” is Earthling for “delicious”.

One idea Dubya likes is to just make a new planet with no Middle East…

According to the writers, it’s easy to catch bin Laden: we just make a Supercomputer that knows exactly where he is!

Build a robot army hell-bent on destroying all human life! Sure, we get wiped out too, but it’ll sure teach those pesky terrorists a lesson!

The writers’ skills are going to be essential to defend ourselves against al-Qaida’s robot hordes. / in building anti-robot tanks.

The writers have already determined that the biggest problem with al-Qaida is that they always switch their robots to “evil”.

The writers have suggested the first move is to take the “Evil” setting off all robots.

One plan is to squash Osama with a giant black Monolith.

Another is to create an enormous Death Star, and blow up the entire planet Earth, almost certainly killing Osama in the process.

One idea is to develop a motorbike like the ones in Tron, so when we discover Osama, we can trap him in a cool neon wall! It’d look awesome! / And then we take him out with those space-frisbees!

Invent a bomb that only kills terrorists! Easy!

Invent a virus that only kills terrorists! Easy!

Winning the War on Terror’s easy, as long as everyone obeys the Prime Directive.

The new plan is for R2D2 to flush bin Laden out, then Astroboy can capture him with his HypnoGun.

We could go back in time and distract Osama’s parents so they never actually met… Although we then run the risk of the world being terrorised by Marty McFly.

One idea is to send Arnold Schwarzenegger back through time to kill Osama bin Laden…

One great plan is to wait until the robot-assassin from the future turns up… should be any day now.

Apparently we could simply phone Osama by sticking an umbrella into a SpeakNSpell…

Travel back in time to when they were naming Al Qaida, and instead get them to call themselves “The Coalition of the Willing”. Then, zoom forward in time until they’ve taken over the world, and then we will have won! Haha!

One writer suggested that the US should “bravely go where no man has gone before”, and take a look at their own hypocrisy…

One of the authors was sacked when all his solutions relied on the US becoming the good guys.

The US has so far refused all the solutions because they all involved living in peace and harmony. / believing in peace and justice.

Unfortunately, the terrorists are onto the author’s secret plans after buying their latest novels…

Al Qaida are fighting back with an army of jihadist daleks, chanting “indoctrinate! indoctrinate!”

Unfortunately the writers keep mistaking Osama bin Laden for Obi wan Kenobi.

Maybe the sci-fi writers can invent another religion for the fundamentalist Muslims, just like L. Ron Hubbard did for Americans.

***

An American doctor has teamed up with an Australian designer to create underwear that’s a cheap alternative to plastic surgery. It accentuates your curves and hides unsightly fat in a barely detectable hump.

Underwear instead of plastic surgery? A great idea, but I must say, I’ll miss all the grinding sounds and slurping of fat.

Body Shapewear is a great alternative to plastic surgery. It’s a totally revolutionary idea, also known as a “corset”…

Body Shapewear is a great alternative to plastic surgery – it’s hideously expensive and has a high risk of going wrong!

Fortunately, Body Shapewear is still hideously expensive and has a high risk of going wrong – so there’s no downside!

For those who want facial plastic surgery, he suggests wearing an Angelina Jolie mask.

You put on the special undergarments, and the fat flies off you – thanks to a series of hidden razorblades and suction tubes!

The trouble with these sorts of undergarments is, everything’s fine until you get to the boudoir. A tender caress, a fumbling with the straps – and suddenly you’re a clusterbomb of lard. / a jack-in-the-box of flab. / an explosion of cellulite.

Another cheap alternative to plastic surgery is a revolutionary technique known as “acceptance”. / “resignation”. / “being fat and ugly”.

Some people are now getting plastic surgery so they never have to wear underwear again. / getting their underwear surgically attached to their bodies.

APOLOGIES

John Howard couldn’t make it tonight, but he invited us over to Kirribilli instead… unfortunately we couldn’t afford the ticket.

John Howard couldn’t come on the show because the ABC couldn’t afford to buy $8000 tickets. We did offer him 8 cents a day – not enough.

John Howard was going to be here but then we would have had to charge him $8000 – and that just doesn’t seem fair.

John Howard was going to be on the show but then you guys (audience) would have had to pay $8000 per ticket… and he’s just not worth it.

John Howard was going to be on the show tonight, but he’s sorry- well, there’s a first time for everything.

Cardinal George Pell not only refused to come on the show, he also refused us communion…

Cardinal George Pell refused to come on the show: he said the word “sideshow” was too similar to “stemcell”…

Cardinal George Pell couldn’t be on the show tonight, as we’re devil-worshipping heathens who warp the minds of our nation’s kiddies and turn them to evil. Much like the Wiggles.

Paul Keating couldn’t make it; he’s busy trying to find someone new to abuse…

Paul Keating couldn’t make it; he’s busy founding a new political party – unfortunately there’s no-one left that he hasn’t already abused…

Sheik al-Hilali couldn’t make it; after he was replaced as Mufti, he left his meat uncovered, with unfortunate consequences…

Sheik al-Hilali couldn’t make it; but he’s not relevant any more, so who gives a shit.

We were hoping to have a guest on the show for World Refugee Day, but we lost the satellite to Venus.

Paris Hilton unfortunately can’t be on tonight – she doesn’t know where she is anymore.

Paris Hilton couldn’t be on the show; she’s been transferred to a palatial nine-bedroom prison on the French Riviera. No, hang on – she’s now being locked in a dank cell with rats.

NEXT WEEK

On June 20th it’s World Refugee Day. So a big hello to any world refugees currently in Martian detention centres.

On June 20th it’s World Refugee Day, the day we spare a thought for the refugees trying to escape the world, wherever they are. On the moon, presumably.

Next Thursday is the winter solstice – the shortest day of the year. A good day to visit the rellies you don’t like, so you can leave early.

The winter solstice is coming up – the shortest day of the year. Hardly seems worth getting out of bed for, really.

Channel 9’s “Today” show will celebrate 25 years on air. Hardly surprising; they’ve got a name that never goes out of date.

Channel 9’s “Today” show will celebrate 25 years on air, and we’ll get an interview with them by jumping in their ambulance with a fat chequebook.

Channel 7 will launch their new morning show, and we’ll be mourning their old morning show.

James Packer and Erica Baxter-Packer will start their honeymoon by actually covering the moon in honey. Well, he’s got to spend his money on something.

The Miles Franklin award will again be won by Miles Franklin.

Cannes will host the 54th International Advertising Festival, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity at never-to-be-repeated prices.

Cannes will host the 54th International Advertising Festival. As many of the ads are subliminal this year, the Festival will only run for about 25 seconds…

Cannes will host the 54th International Advertising Festival. You know you want to go – all the cool people will be there. Don’t you want to be cool? It’ll make you thinner too, and your whites will be whiter than ever.

The 32nd America’s Cup begins, and Alan Bond will remind everyone of why we all used to think he was tops. / remind everyone what he did before he became a dirty crook.

The America’s Cup begins: firm favourite this year is a yacht from the Iraqi Insurgency…

The America’s Cup begins, and, if the American success in Iraq is anything to go by, will quickly become an unwinnable bloodbath, with hundreds of thousands of innocents caught in the middle, surrounded by death and torment. But go Aussie!

The America’s Cup begins, and for the first time ever, thanks to global warming, it’s being run on land.

The 25th anniversary of the Falklands War will be marked by a solemn parade of all the soldiers who fought. Unfortunately they won’t all fit on the islands themselves…

It’s the 25th birthday of the Falklands War, and their celebrating with a game of Pin the Blame on the Country… / with Margaret Thatcher’s head on a pole…

Paul McCartney will turn 65. He really needs to update that song…

Paul McCartney will turn 65. “When I’m 64” is now a disturbing tale of time-travel…

Salman Rushdie will turn 60. Pass-the-parcel at his place is a deadly game of chance…

Nicole Kidman will turn 40, or 22 in Kidman-years.

Nicole Kidman will turn 40. She’s a grown woman, but she still acts like a kid, man.

Prince William will turn 25. Surely it’s about time he was King!

Prince William will turn 25. Or 14 in Kidman-years.

Prince William will turn 25. The Queen’s buying him a slapper! / He’s finally old enough to get his very own corgi!