Tues, May 13
Tomorrow is Budget Day! Ooh, I feel faint with excitement.
Tomorrow is Budget Day! The day that’s so important nothing can budge it! Wahey!
Tomorrow is Budget Day! Pass me a $25 sandwich.
Let’s get ready for three days of Budget excitement! Wayne Swan! Brendan Nelson! Tax cuts! Service cuts! Tepid debate! IT’S GOT THE LOT!
Wed, May 14
Israel will celebrate its 60th birthday – but be careful, the birthday cake might be ticking… / you don’t know who’s gunna jump out of that Palestinian birthday cake…
Israel will celebrate its 60th birthday with a special ticking birthday prezzie from Palestine.
Wednesday sees the Miss Universe Australia final, featuring all the most beautiful Australians in the entire Universe! Except for that Aussie supermodel hiding out on the planet Kraal.
On Wednesday, it’s the Miss Universe Australia final: this year, they’re allowing clones!
On Wednesday, it’s the Miss Universe Australia final: To fully embrace the entire Universe, as well as having a swimsuit section this year, they’re having a spacesuit section.
On Wednesday, it’ll be Fred & Mary’s 4th wedding anniversary. And they still haven’t worked out what to do with that fucking tram.
Denmark Fred & Tassie Mary’s celebrate their 4th wedding anniversary on Wednesday, and Fred still hasn’t seen her map of Tasmania. Although he has seen her vagina.
On the 10 year anniversary of the last episode of “Seinfeld”, scientists will discover that it wasn’t about nothing after all!
Thurs, May 15
Coca-Cola holds its AGM, and government ministers will beg for any snacks or drinks they can spare.
Thursday will see Coca-Cola holding its AGM in Sydney, where it will finally reveal the list of occupants for the 2012 Space Arks – and let me be the first to tell you, you’re not on it.
It’s 20 years since the Soviet withdrawal from Afghanistan. Thank goodness they brought peace. / And it’s been peaceful ever since.
Thursday sees 20 years since the Soviet withdrawal from Afghanistan. Lucky they did too, otherwise the place’d still be a war-torn hellhole instead of the idyllic paradise we see today.
Fri, May 16
Todd McKenney in court on drug charges. He’ll face four judges who’ll give him marks out of ten.
Friday sees the opening of Prince Charles’ photographic exhibition. Yep, while his Mum steadfastly refuses to let him rule the Empire, at least he gets to exhibit his happy snaps.
Friday sees the opening of Prince Charles’ photographic exhibition. And let me tell you, there’s only one thing more fascinating than a slideshow on architecture, and that’s having it narrated by Prince Charles. Mark it on your calendar!
Sat, May 17
The International Day Against Homophobia will see a bunch of poofs mincing around.
Saturday’s ‘International Day Against Homophobia’ will end up being totally gay.
And Saturday’s ‘Gluten-Free Food & Allergy Show’ in Brisbane will be as much fun as a bowl of curd!
Brisbane will host the ‘Gluten-Free Food & Allergy Show’, which kicks off ‘Sorry it’s So Bland Week’.
Brisbane will host the Gluten-Free Food & Allergy Show. Shame. Nothing’s more tasty than gluten.
Brisbane will host the Gluten-Free Food & Allergy Show, so if you’re feeling like picking up an allergy, head on down.
Brisbane will host the Gluten-Free Food & Allergy Show. Not only can you eat food chock full of no gluten, but you can hang around a bunch of people with allergies! Fun!
On Saturday, it’ll be 2 years since Paul McCartney & Heather Mills announced their split. All that time to sort out their divorce – you’d think splits would be pretty easy for Heather to do.
On the second anniversary of Paul McCartney & Heather Mills’ split, Heather will confess that Kerry Packer actually was once her sugar daddy, while McCartney was more of an all-day sucker.
Sun, May 18
More “Idol” auditions in Adelaide. I hope he does “Flesh for Fantasy”.
Sunday’s “Million Paws Walk” will get off to a slow start as a million pause…
The Million Paws Walk will be made easier by cloning technology… one dog starts, a million finish.
The Million Paws Walk will kick off on Sunday morning, followed by the afternoon’s Million Pooper Scoopers Walk.
The “Million Paws Walk” will kick off on Sunday morning, marking the start of “Perambulating Mammals Week.” Yay!
Cannes will see the premiere of the new Harrison Ford blockbuster “Indiana Jones & The Zimmer-Frame Of Doom”. / “Indiana Jones & The Retirement Home of Doom”. / “Indiana Jones & The Crippling Arthritis”. / “Indiana Jones & The Stolen Penises”.
“Indiana Jones & The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull” premieres at the Cannes Film Festival – it’s about an old duffer fantasising about being a rugged archaeologist, as doctors give him a skull transplant.
Mon, May 19
Glenn Wheatley will be released for home detention. Now if only we could find a way to lock Farnham up with him.
