A New Yorker jailed for murdering a man and burning down his home is suing the county for losing weight while imprisoned. He’s down to 140 kilos and now finds it nearly impossible to kill people just by sitting on them.
The jail only serves cold food, and very rarely offers deep-fried lard dogs. / double lard-dipped chocolate pizza.
While the meals the jail offers contain an above average amount of calories, the formerly 187 kilo man feels faint when he exercises. Which admittedly is how he’s always felt.
The poor guy. He may have beaten and stabbed a man to death and burnt down his house, but that’s no reason to put him on a diet!
Unbeknownst to the man, he’s actually a part of the new series “The Biggest Loser: Jailhouse Edition”. / “The Prison Loser”. / “The Biggest Prisoner”. / “The Savagest Loser”. / “The Most Murderous Loser”.
He’s lost 47 kilos in 8 months, and now finds it almost impossible to crash through the prison bars.
He’s losing 6 kilos a month. But he should keep going! Stay in there a couple more years and he’d be able to just slide between the bars to freedom!
You don’t want to know what happened to the last guy who let him go hungry.
About an hour after each meal his stomach starts to hurt and growl. It’s demanding another life.
Broderick Lloyd Laswell has complained that he’s not getting enough food in prison. But he is getting plenty of sex.
That was actually his sentence: he was sent to jail with no supper.
This guy is most definitely the biggest loser.
Not only would he like more food, but he wouldn’t mind being able to leave whenever he likes. / but he doesn’t much care for this whole “being locked up” thing either. / but he’s not too keen on the constant beatings and anal rape.
His crime was beating and killing a man, before torching his house. But Broderick loves that smoky flavour.
New Idea is now doing a four-page special on the miraculous prison diet. / on the miraculous Laswell diet. / on how to lose weight through incarceration. / on how to get locked up – fast.
He says that about an hour after meals, his abdomen aches and starts to growl. Poor chap – that’s not hunger, that’s the anal rape!
He’s now part of an underground prison fondue racket. / ratatouille racket.
A New Yorker jailed for murdering a man and burning down his home is suing the county for losing weight while imprisoned. He was hoping to bulk up in prison, and then, when he gets out, wreak revenge on each and every one a-them sonsofbitches who put him in the slammer! Or so says his lawyer. / At least, that’s what it says in his lawsuit.
He says he’s being “starved to death”. As opposed the guy he murdered by beating and stabbing him. / And he much prefers death by vicious assault.
He says he’s being “starved to death”. He was hoping to go by strangulation. / heart attack. / massive head trauma. / clogging his arteries with fat.
He says he’s being “starved to death”. And he’s just much more of a “massive head trauma” kinda guy.
He may have beaten and stabbed a man to death and burnt down his house, but sheesh – the man’s peckish!
Go on, give the man some food. Laced with Ratsak.
Now that he’s lost so much weight, he says he doesn’t feel like the same man. So they should release him and find that cruel bastard who’s the real criminal!
He’s also claiming he should be due for release, as it was the missing 47 kilos that actually committed the crime. He calls it “Maurice”.
He’s so hungry, he’s already eaten three of his cellmates.
The prison serves a meal averaging 3000 calories a day, at the upper end of the typical Western diet. But these are Americans we’re talking about.
The guy doesn’t like being locked up, or being medium-sized. He’d rather be still at large.
