US politeness classes, ma’am (Good News Week 12/5/08: Strange But True)

There’s a huge boom in children’s etiquette classes, particularly in America. Rude kids? In America? Don’t know where they’d get that from.

Rather than cutlery and curtsies, the curriculum nowadays stresses social skills and common courtesy, including handshakes, helpfulness, and when to blow someone away in Halo.

Rather than cutlery and curtsies, the curriculum nowadays stresses social skills and common courtesy, including handshakes, helpfulness, and how to address the half-brother of a Duke’s betrothed. / how to correctly grovel before a Baron. / the proper way to tie a cravat. / how to correctly swoon in the company of royalty. / the proper way to prepare snuff for the King.

Research show that kids who learn socially appropriate ways to solve problems are healthier, have more friends and perform better in school. Though the kids who do dakkings still have more fun.

Wouldn’t it have been nice if these lessons in inter-personal relations had been given to their President…

One particularly rude part of the US is Connecticut. Connecticut’s etiquette’s inadequate.

I tell you what, if my kids don’t act polite, I’m going to belt em one, the little bastards.

What’s wrong with the tried and true method of instilling politeness: if you’re rude, you cop a hiding?

Kids these days need manners lessons. Unfortunately the little cunts refuse to take them.

Kids these days are so rude. Bout time we taught those little pricks a lesson.

More kids than ever before are being enrolled in manners classes. And more kids than ever before are wagging them.

Of course, if kids aren’t learning manners, it’s because of their rude parents. Booking them into classes like that.

Parents are enrolling their ill-mannered children in manners classes, often without asking them. How rude.

At 250 bucks a session, those kids had better end up knowing a fish knife from a butter splade.

But what kinds of etiquette can kids learn from a woman who charges 250 bucks a session? If you ask me, that price is pretty damn rude.

According to some, society is increasingly callous and “me-centred”. And some people are so greedy they want the politest children money can buy.

The classes have names like “Polite is Right”, “Petite Protocol”, “PoliteChild” and “Jab a stick up your kid’s arse”.

But if everyone’s kids are taught to be polite, where are the next generation of politicians going to come from?

The problem is, kids have too many bad role models these days. Bart Simpson, Britney Spears, George Bush…

Popular culture teaches kids to misbehave. Bart Simpson teaches them to play pranks, Britney Spears teaches them to be drug-fucked sluts, and The Wiggles teach them to sing irritating two chord songs. / and The Wiggles teach them to cash in on the vulnerability of children.

I blame Facebook. All that poking.

Now American kiddies doff their caps before mugging you. / before beating you up and stealing your wallet.

Now, before American kiddies cap you, they make sure they doff it first.

It’s great. Now when America invades somewhere, it says “please” first.

So in the future, American leaders will ask politely before bombing the shit out of you.

The etiquette coaches are hoping to produce a generation of Americans that says please and thankyou, helps out, and doesn’t bomb unless bombened to. / unless bombed.

Of course, learning etiquette is nothing new. It’s just new to Americans.

Pupils are taught to mind their p’s and q’s and remember the three c’s: caring, compassion and consideration. Probably should mind the fourth c as well.

To help promote politeness, the US government is getting a popular band to record a song called “Helping Is Nice”. Not only is it a great message, but it’s lovely to finally see a different side of Slipknot. / Cannibal Corpse.