A story this week that sounds like total pig’s arse, but is in fact pig’s bladder.
A man in the US has had part of his finger regrown from a compound made from powdered pig’s bladder. It’s good to see scientists have finally found a use for all that powdered pig’s bladder…
A US man, Lee Spievack, has had part of his finger regrown from a compound made from powdered pig’s bladder. At least, that’s what he’s been telling all his mates down the pub.
Scientists in the US have grown back a man’s severed fingertip by sprinkling the finger with an experimental powder made from pig’s bladder. The guy who used powdered sheep’s bladder wasn’t so lucky.
It turns out humans are actually made of pigs’ bladders. Who knew?
Pigs were chosen because of their similarity to human digits, as proven by the “this little piggy” song.
When he does “this little piggy”, this little piggy is actually a little piggy.
This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home, this little piggy was pulverised and dried and used to grow human body parts.
The man’s finger now seems perfectly normal – the only difference is that, instead of a nail, he has a cute little curly pink tail.
It’s great news for humans but bad news for pigs. No more urination for you, Porky.
Looks like Porky’s had his last piss. There are hands to grow!
The scientist is really pleased with the results. Now he can finally get rid of all those fucking pig bladders.
It’s the end of a long and tiring search where they’ve powdered pretty much every part of every animal in a search for a magical healing powder. In fact pig’s bladder was virtually the last thing they tried.
The patient calls the powder “pixie dust”. Because he didn’t like the sound of sprinkling himself with “pig’s urinary dust”.
The “pixie dust” is scraped from pig bladders. I guess “pixie dust” sounds a bit nicer than “pig bladder scum”.
The “pixie dust” is scraped from pig bladders. Now we know where pixies come from.
The “pixie dust” is scraped from pig bladders. And “fairy powder” is gouged from yak scrotums.
Of course, it should really be called “piggy dust”. / “pigsy dust”.
They also applied the powder to the part of the finger that was chopped off, and, in just over a year, they had another Lee Spievack. / and, in just over a year, they had a massive pile of pixie dust and a withered little stump of old finger.
Since the finger experiment went so well, the man’s been busily sprinkling the dust over his tiny little cock.
The powder stimulates tissue cells to grow rather than scar. They first suspected it might work when a man who’d had a near-fatal smash with a pile of pig’s bladders came out as good as new!
Scientists had previously observed that whenever anyone seriously cut themselves on a pig’s bladder, the wound healed quickly. It happens more often than you’d think.
He used the pig’s bladder powder for 10 days, and after four months it had completely healed, complete with sense of touch, fingernail and fingerprint. Well, trotter-print.
His finger grew back to its original length in just four weeks, and by 2 months, it had developed a mind of its own and constructed a fully-functional death-ray.
His finger grew back to its original length in just four weeks, had a complete fingernail and fingerprint by 2 months, and by 6 months, it had its own brain. It calls itself “Norman”.
His finger grew back to its original length in just four weeks, had a complete fingernail and fingerprint by 2 months, and by 6 months, he had a fully functioning trotter.
They’re hoping to use the technique to grow back damaged organs, entire limbs or even the heads of decapitees. They expect no side-effects apart from the occasional oink.
Now at last, in areas of the world where human fingertip is a delicacy, we can satisfy the demand!
Ahh, powdered pigs’ bladder. Finally, a healthy alternative to instant coffee!
Of course, they don’t get the powdered pig’s bladder from pigs – they grow it from a paste made from chickens.
It was the man’s middle finger – now, he can’t flip people the bird, he can only flip ’em the pork bladder. Which is kinda more offensive, really…
The finger is even better than his old one, apparently – it tastes like bacon.
It’s a tough choice for pigs now – to be killed and eaten, or to be ground up and used to grow human body parts.
The only downside is that when he plays footy, the other players keep kicking his hand.
It’s great news for footballers, who can now safely lose as many fingers or limbs as they like, so long as they rub themselves with the ball.
The man’s thrilled, and is finding it great for playing footy. He can use his finger as the ball.
Of course, his girlfriend’s never letting him touch her again. Not with those filthy pigfingers.
The only trouble with his new finger is that it’s all pink and curly. / is its constant oinking. / is that it’s made out of PIG BLADDER. / is that now he’s a total freak with a finger made of pig bladder.
The only side-effect is the man has is an unquenchable hunger for slops.
Although, now whenever he goes to a restaurant, he always orders the bucket of slops.
What I wanna know is, what happens when you apply the powder to an old scab, or a wart that has dropped off? Or is that where Tony Abbott came from?
The scientist is now working on a powder derived from the anuses of warthogs. Hopefully that’ll be good for something too!
And just imagine what you could grow from powdered human bladder!
Of course, you’d better be careful where you sprinkle the powder. There are some places you just don’t want to grow a finger made of pig.
Unfortunately, since this story was written, the man accidentally spilt his jar of magical powdered pork-bladder all over his wife. And now she’s covered in tiny pigfingers.
And now, when he porks his wife – no, sorry, I can’t do it.
