Tues, Feb. 10
Tomorrow’s the Israeli election. Vote the right way or else!
Tomorrow sees the election in Israel. Hate to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but you know they’ve always got it rigged so that a Jew will win.
Tomorrow, the 2009 Australian Disasters Conference will be held in Canberra, where they’ll talk about the the fact that they couldn’t get Melbourne or Sydney. What a disaster.
Tomorrow the 2009 Australian Disasters Conference will be held in Canberra. How apt. / Not implying anything.
Tomorrow the 2009 Australian Disasters Conference will be held in Canberra. First on the agenda is the new “4 drinks” limit…
On Tuesday, the business leaders forum in Brisbane will host Telstra CEO Sol Trujillo. Speaking of human dumbbells…
Kevin Rudd may be leaving for Papua New Guinea tomorrow. Unfortunately, not for good.
Kevin Rudd may be leaving for Papua New Guinea tomorrow. It’s the only place in the world we can send him where there’s still rampant cannibalism.
Australia’s cricketers have three more chances to turn their summer from disastrous into catastrophic.
Australia’s cricketers will attempt to prove they aren’t sacks of shit. But they may be forced to drink ki-wee.
Australia’s cricketers will attempt to prove they are better than the “sacks of shit” playing for New Zealand.
Wed, Feb. 11
Wednesday is Japan’s National Day! They’ll celebrate in some way that is not only highly technological but unbelievably cute, with just a hint of sexual perversion.
On Wednesday, almost a year after winning the election, Morgan Tsvangirai will be sworn in as Zimbabwe’s Prime Minister. That Mugabe loves a good practical joke.
Almost a year after winning the election, Morgan Tsvangirai will be sworn in as Zimbabwe’s Prime Minister with the traditional “savage beating”.
On Wednesday, almost a year after winning the election, Morgan Tsvangirai will be sworn in as Zimbabwe’s Prime Minister. And Zimbabwe’s first human dumbbell!
On Wednesday, the Human Rights Community Roundtable in Canberra will get off to a bad start when the Human Knights of the Round Table turn up by mistake, defeat them in a duel, and steal off with the magic sword.
On Wednesday, the Human Rights Community Roundtable in Canberra will finally concede that, okay, so they made the concept of Human Rights up. What are ya gunna do about it?
On Wednesday, the Bureau of Statistics will release the housing finance figures, draw some graphs, animate a pie chart, display a power-point presentation with fully integrated Venn diagrams and a revolving tri-axial projection chart, before dashing off for a quick tug in the toilets. / before taking off to have a cold shower and a lie down. / before lying back and having a cigarette.
The Bureau of Statistics will release the housing finance figures. Though actually with the current state of the market, they’re down to just one figure.
On Wednesday, the Bureau of Statistics will release the housing finance figures, if there are any.
On Wednesday, Jennifer Aniston will turn 40. So that’s her career over then.
On Wednesday, Jennifer Aniston will turn 40, meaning it’ll be increasingly difficult to hide her lack-of-acting ability behind her rootability.
It’ll be 30 years since the Islamic revolution in Iran, and, to celebrate, the King will throw his hands in the air like he just don’t care – and all the hands of his prisoners.
It’ll be 30 years since the Islamic revolution in Iran, and, to celebrate, there’ll be an all-you-can-eat pork fest. Just kidding!
It’ll be 30 years since the Islamic revolution in Iran, and, to celebrate, there’ll be an extra-solemn prayer reading and a parade of prisoners through the streets.
It’ll be 30 years since the Islamic revolution in Iran, and, to celebrate, the day’s public beheadings will be done with party hats on. Hooray!
It’ll be 30 years since the Islamic revolution in Iran, and, to celebrate, they’ll be partying til the break of curfew.
It’ll be 30 years since the Islamic revolution in Iran. Must be time to give the Jews a go. / Christians a go.
It’ll be 30 years since the Islamic revolution in Iran. Ayatollah it’d last.
Thurs, Feb. 12
The Australian Blues Festival will prevent a plague of locusts.
Thursday brings us the Australian Blues Festival. But if you want to get in, you’ll need to (sing blues) get up early in the morning, right about the break of day.
Thursday brings us the Australian Blues Festival. But if you want a ticket, you need to get up early in the morning, have your woman leave you for another man, and have a hellhound on your trail.
Drinkers will be going to Thursday’s Australian Blues Festival. Apparently, it has 16 bars!
Thursday brings us the Australian Blues Festival. Go Carlton!
Thursday sees the Australian Women’s Golf Open. Worth catching for the ball-kissing.
On Thursday, the inquiry into tax agents will report in Canberra. Wow, Canberra gets all the exciting events! / And people say Canberra’s boring! / And people say there’s nothing to do in Canberra!
On Thursday, Coca-Cola Amatil will announce its 2008 results. Apparently, they’re still no closer to working out what that black shit they make Coke out of really is.
On Thursday, Rio Tinto and Coca-Cola Amatil will announce its 2008 results. It’s like the budget forecast of the Overlords. / It’s Evil Overlord Day!
James Hardie will announce its third quarter results. Of course the third quarter usually carries on till the end of March, but they’re getting in early to limit the damage.
On Thursday, it’s the 200th anniversary of Abraham Lincoln’s birth. Lucky he’s dead – he’d never be able to blow out 200 candles.
Thursday is Abraham Lincoln’s 200th birthday, and to celebrate, Barack Obama will spend the whole day in a stove-pipe hat.
Thursday is Abraham Lincoln’s 200th birthday, and to celebrate his achievements, Barack Obama will spend the day in slavery.
Thursday is Abraham Lincoln’s 200th birthday. He’s hoping someone will buy his “Best President Ever” merchandise range but it’s not looking good.
Thursday is Abraham Lincoln’s 200th birthday, and it turns out he’s not dead at all – he just turned himself into a goat. A very very old goat. Yes.
Sydney hosts the 2009 Aus-Trauma conference, only some of which is caused by their choice of name.
Sydney hosts the Creative Living Expo: why not try underwater? Or breathing only helium? The possibilities are limited only by your lung capacity.
Sydney hosts the Creative Living Expo, where the keynote speech will be “It’s Not So Baaad: Living As A Goat”.
Fri, Feb. 13
Friday the 13th is of course Black Friday. Mick Dodson’s said we can keep that one the same.
Friday the 13th is of course Black Friday. If you’re ever going to turn youself into a goat, that’s the day…
Friday the 13th brings us the Perth International Arts Festival. Spooky…
Friday the 13th brings us the Perth International Arts Festival. Or, as it’s otherwise known, the Ken Done Festival.
On Friday, Robbie Williams will turn 35 on the outside, and nearly 14 in his mind.
On Friday, Robbie Williams will turn 35. Can you believe it? All those drugs make him look nearly 50. / He looks nearly 50, thanks to all the drugs.
Sat, Feb. 14
And Saturday brings us a happy coincidence: not only is it Valentine’s Day, but it’s National Condom Day. So now you know what to give your sweetheart…
Saturday is Valentine’s Day. And one Russian raccoon is going to send a special message to his new special friend… he’s hungry.
National Condom Day has been scheduled to coincide with Valentine’s Day. To really show you care, wrap each individual rose in one.
And Saturday brings us not only Valentine’s Day, but National Condom Day. So, rather than giving your girlfriend a box of chocolates this year, why not give her a root?
Mon, Feb. 16
On Monday, the report into hospital reform will be launched in Canberra. Apparently, they’re going to turn them all into rollerdiscos.
On Monday, the report into hospital reform will be launched in Canberra. Apparently the plan is to make them all much much better, at a much much smaller cost. Problem solved!
