Stir-fried tiger meat on a Beijing restaurant’s menu has turned out to be donkey meat dressed with tiger urine. The restaurant is near the Siberian Tiger Park, home to a highly endangered species of tiger that looks suspiciously like a donkey with painted orange stripes.
“Siberian tigers are different to normal tigers! Where your normal tiger has claws and a ferocious roar, the Siberian tiger has hooves, and a blood-curdling hee-haw! But you should see them take down an elephant!”
Now to be fair, I love the odd glass of tiger piss – but donkey meat? Eurgh.
They also serve a delicious polar bear steak. Actually, to be honest, it’s just seafood extender that’s been shoved up a polar bear’s arse.
Their shark-fin soup turned out to be brine from a tin of tuna, their whale meat was polystyrene, and their chef was a cardboard cut-out of Nigella Lawson.
Diners can wash the meal down with wine pickled with tiger bone. Gotta love a wine with delicate boney overtones.
Diners who are disappointed that the tiger meat was just urine-soaked donkey really ought to try their donkey meat – it’s 100% pure tiger!
“It’s surprising just how much of the tigers’ flavour is in its urine!” said the restaurant owner.
With the popularity of the tiger meat, the restaurant has released a whole range of donkey-based dishes. The lemon chicken’s excellent, the golden duck’s divine, and the pissy badger is beyond words.
This technique is preferable to eating tiger on two counts: it helps protect the tiger from dying out, and it lets them piss on donkeys. They love that.
They had tried to sell it as good honest stir-fried donkey, but it just wasn’t working. And no-one was ordering the tiger-piss either.
To make the meat as tiger-like as possible, the donkeys were trained to roar, taught how to hunt gazelle, and painted stripey.
The meat is still valuable; it takes a lot of training for the tigers to piss on the donkeys properly.
“OK, so it’s not real tiger. But they’re pretty ferocious donkeys! Grr!”
“Well, it wasn’t really a lie. It was essence of tiger.”
“OK, so it’s donkey in tiger piss. Alright, alright, so it’s not donkey, it’s beef. And fine, it’s my piss. And, okay, so I’m really just the janitor. But it’s a real restaurant! Okay, so it’s a shoe shop. Leave me alone!”
Unfortunately the tiger meat has been so popular that now the donkeys are endangered too. In fact they’ve had to replace the donkey meat with strips of frog spat on by a donkey.
